Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts

kids craftsby K A B L O O E Y

The Mooch and I stare down at a table full of glitter-bombed dreck.  Brenda, my daughter’s Brownie troop leader, points to a green lump with glued-on googly eyes and orange tinsel hair.

“This is Moochie’s St. Patrick’s Day project. She didn’t finish it, then said it didn’t matter because mom always throws them out anyway.”

Crap.  I shoot a horrified glance at my informant daughter, mutter “Oh, Fredo, you broke my heart” and start furious verbal backpedaling.

“Oh, no; she’s confused.  We throw away some of the school papers, the worksheets and whatnot, but not her Brownie projects.” 

In truth, she’s lucky if they make the car. Every week there is another holiday themed, dollar bin at Michael’s craft project to transport home.  Invariably, they are covered in wet Elmer’s glue, so you have to hold them gingerly, as if they are made of Dresden china. It’s like transporting baby chicks with brittle bone disease.

Once the foam monstrosities are in the house, they stay on the dining room table, shedding pipe cleaners, until my daughter forgets about them.  Then I collect a pile and dispose of them under cover of night, like a serial killer burying the bodies. [Read more...]

A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney

by K A B L O O E Y

(The following partial transcript of Andy Rooney’s final 60 Minutes appearance was leaked to Funnynotslutty.com. The segment will be broadcast on October 2nd, 2011.)

 

Tick… tick… tick… tick….

BYRON PITTS: So Andy, you were quoted some years back as saying you’d only leave the show if you “dropped dead.” What made you change your mind?

ANDY ROONEY: Well, I’ll tell you, Ed…

BR: It’s Byron.

AR: What?

BR: I’m Byron Pitts.

AR: You’re not Ed Bradley?

(Pitts shifts uncomfortably in his chair.)

BR: No. Ed Bradley died, actually, in 2006. I’ve been here for years. I won an Emmy.

AR: I thought you shaved your beard and took off that cockamamie earring.

(Rooney rips off his mic and storms off, yelling as he goes.)

AR : Get me Morley Safer. Where the hell is Safer? You stick him on an ice floe and push, like you did to Mike Wallace?

(The show cuts abruptly to commercials. When it returns, Morley Safer has replaced Byron Pitts.)

MORLEY SAFER: Andy Rooney began his career as a war correspondent in 1943. He later joined the 60 Minutes family, where he started “A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney” thirty-three short years ago. He’s brought the same irascible wit to topics such as rap music, paper clips, and the disappearance of phone booths as he did to covering the German army’s march down the Champs-Elysées. On that sad note, here is Andy Rooney. And his eyebrows. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Pitbull was Wrong

by Natalie Wall

I keep hearing that retarded song buy Taio Cruz /Pitbull/your mom on auto-tune or whoever gives a flying fuck, but seeing as that description may leave a few in the dark, let me give you a taste of the specific lyric that irks the fucking fuck out of me:

“My life is like a movie and yours is just Tivo”

…haha…wait…what?

Now, I don’t know if this is cause I’m from the Gilmore Girls venacular/caucasian genre/I’m telling you I’m white, demographic, but Tivo is the closest thing to sex without having to take your clothes off….or turn off the lights.

Tivo fucking rocks….do you get that Pitbull….do you get that?

And what type of movies are you speaking of, because I don’t know if you have frequented you local cinema lately, but the majority of movies out there are shit…

…we’re you disappointed in Megamind too, Pitbull? Oh, goodness me too. You’d think such a great combination with Ferrell, Fey, Pitt and of course you’re sexy eye candy Jonah Hill in 3D would be a match made in heaven…but it wasn’t.

…it really wasn’t.

Now unless you were talking about Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, cause that movie had EVERYTHING…it had a talking cat, it had romance, horror, a pussy with a British accent, and oh man that twist! Nicole Kidman as the “others” who could have seen that coming??…no one, that’s who…fucking brilliant. [Read more...]

American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson”

American H.O.A.R : Spreading the Awareness – by “Victoria Jackson”
by Traci Foust and Iraqi Vet, Tyler Jones

Hi everyone! As you all know, this “Independence” Day kicks off the tour of my first presidential campaign: Hand standing up for the Obligation of American Restoration (HOAR) My mission is the same as it has been since the first time I voted way back in 2000, to keep my country from the disabling grips of communism and homosexuality. So far my campaign trail has lead me to many wonderful folks who are just as worried as I am about socialism and gay things like everyone having access to health care, fire stations and marriage.  Last week I stopped in Tempe Arizona, and aside from triple digit temperatures, all the New Age Jesus haters in Sedona and illegal Mexicans setting fire to practically the entire state, my trip has been great so far.  I even had the chance to sit down with retired military personnel Tyler Jones. Tyler is a young outspoken man who is just as angry about the wrong turn our country has taken as I am. I could totally tell by his numerous tattoos and piercings, this man is a jaded veteran, furious and crude in the aftermath of the treatment he and his comrades received from liberal haters and the misguiding of the “Commander in Chief”.  Plus, our initials rhyme which I believe may be a sign from the Lord that it’s ok to talk to him.

VJ: Mr. Jones it’s so nice of you to speak with me today and answer my questions. Considering how confusing life must be for someone who fought so hard to free our nation of terrorism only to come back to the states and find the real terror has just begun right here at home.

TJ: Uh huh. Thanks Vickie. Not exactly sure what you mean by the real terror at home, though.

VJ: Well, let’s begin with the gay agenda smokescreen the Obama Administration provides by means of supporting  “don’t ask don’t tell”. When I first heard this phrase I was all, Oh, so this is something good because my youth minister said this a lot at summer Bible camp, but when I found out what this whole agenda was really about I was like, Gross! It’s basically just an excuse for “women” to indulge in boy things like flying helicopters and wearing combat boots. An obvious ploy for the encouragement of lesbianism. It’s such a disgrace to real women everywhere.

TJ: A Disgrace? You mean like those frilly bows you insist on wearing? The ones that make you look like more of a moron than even Sarah Palin? [Read more...]