You are here: Home / Archives for Featured

New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

February 19, 2013 By 2 Comments

vajayawn

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:

 

Climacteric

Wymmin

Whynnnin

‘Ncryin

NoLubridownthere

Vajayawn

Es-tro-gone

Progestergroany

Chinhair

Crone

Sisterwife

Grandma Moses

Throwthetoasteroutthewindow

Defenestration [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Featured, Featured Stories, FnS Originals, Recent Articles, Vagina Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

February 17, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Featured, Featured Stories, Recent Articles Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Might we suggest “Chloe + Zoë?” – Natalie Wall

February 5, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Meet Chloe (creator, writer, actor and sometimes director) + Zoe ( Actor, and sometimes writer). These two ladies are going to be your besties for the next 3-to-7 minutes. Why, you ask? Because they are awkwardly awesome.

Is it just me or is this era of the 20-something ladies, trying to get their shit together, but not really actively getting their shit together (the characters they portray, that is)? I sure as hell hope so.

Chloe and Zoe, let me just say, you two are pioneers, making a path for all other awkwardly hilarious 20-something-ers to embrace the funny. Expect to acquire many a lady fans, and hearing the phrase, “Oh these chick’s get just me,” on multiple occasions in the future. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Featured, Other Funnies, Recent Articles, Sketches Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Loss of 30 Rock ~ Ginny Leise

January 31, 2013 By 2 Comments

Last night I began a conversation with a co-worker with one the most reliable moves in my chatting repertoire.

“So…Do you watch 30 Rock?”

“Actually, I just started watching it recently,” she replied.

And just like that, I underwent an uncontrollable physiologically reaction and began to cry because that’s appropriate workplace behavior.

Not big, messy tears. Rather the tears that just fill your eyes and yet still completely betray the fact that you’re on the verge of a fullblown meltdown, heaving, snotting, you know, the works.

“You. Are. So. Lucky,” I said, blinking furiously. “You get to experience each episode for the first time.”

I have a long history of inexplicably crying at inopportune moments—a certain college admissions interview comes to mind. This crying jag, I fear, spouted from somewhere deeper. 30 Rock means a lot to me. Over the years, its made me laugh so hard and totally boggled my mind with its brilliance. As this last season comes to a close, I’m grieving  like Liz Lemon after she realizes Sandwich Day is over and not coming again for another year. But this time Sandwich Day will never come again. Ever. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Featured, FnS Originals, Other Funnies, Recent Articles, Work Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date – Mallory Schlossberg

January 30, 2013 By 1 Comment

I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not have even told you about them. However, as your resident All-Things-Man Guru, I am here to help aid in your valiant search for a decent dude. None of these guys are. These guys are dudes who present red flag warning signs. Maybe you’ll go out on a first date with them, but I wouldn’t say they are keepers. Sleep with at your own peril. Wait — DON’T!

1. Bug Guy
No – this is not the guy whose apartment is crawling with bugs. (That’s Dirty Guy, but you knew about him, right?). This is the guy who casually mentions that he has bed bugs. Then you start drinking. Then he casually invites you over. He assumes you forgot about that offhand comment about his current living situation. But you did not, right Smart Funny Lady Compatriot Of Mine? (Right? Please, oh God, say you did!) I mean, I’m not an environmental scientist or anything, but I do live in the city and I’m pretty sure that if you go into a bed with bed bugs and you are a warm blooded human that you’ll get bitten. I mean, I’m just saying.

2. Objecti-Guy
“I just want you to know that I am currently sexualizing you in my head,” said a guy who should never get laid.

3. Hawaiian Shirt Guy
This is judgmental of me, but the Hawaiian shirt generally represents a series of unfortunate events to come. The Hawaiian shirt is actually a silent way of saying, “hey, I’m just a real awesome, chill, fun guy,” which no awesome, chill, fun guy ever said. To that end, [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Dating/Marriage, Featured, Featured Stories, FnS Originals Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison

January 27, 2013 By 2 Comments

Deep Fried Bubble Gum

If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway?

Self-improvement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who really wants to be healthier, smarter, and have fewer bad habits? Not me, that’s for sure. I have too many other more important things to do like sit on my butt watching Lifetime movies, look at unattractive pictures of celebrities in gossip magazines, and think of something new to deep fry. Okay the last thing isn’t true. I’ve never deep fried anything in my life. All that hot oil scares me.

If I did actually deep fry something, I would be keeping my resolution to conquer my fears. Maybe there are deep fried marshmallows in my future. Is that a thing or did I make it up? If I did, don’t steal my idea.

Once I get over this deep frying fear I could market my deep fried marshmallows and make bundles. That would take care of my resolution to make more money. Wow … that’s like killing two birds with one stone. I’m brilliant. Wait a minute … does that mean I just achieved my goal to be a little smarter this year? Oh my goodness, I think I did. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Featured, Featured Stories, FnS Originals, Holiday Humor, Recent Articles Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Walking “Red”: Taylor Swift Is Leading the Musical Zombie Apocalypse

January 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Know what I think? I think Taylor Swift is leading us straight to a musical zombie apocalypse.

Clue Number One: her new album–Red.

Red, as in Taylor’s going to suck the life blood right out of the radio with her insipid yet ear wormy songs. She’s not gonna stop until we’re glazed over and stumbling all the way to the ATM machine, leg dragging.

Clue Number Two: Keith Richards already looked like death.  Once Taylor showed up, he became corpse ready. I could rest my case based on his cryptkeeper mug alone. It’s enough to make me lock myself up with a Stones album and a bottle of Southern Comfort.  Liz Phair just called and suggested a good and proper ball busting.

Taylor, want to know why we’ve gotta be so mean? It’s because you’re more cherry popover than virginal pop cross over and if the zombies don’t get us the diabetes will.

The final brain numbing comes in with Clue Number Three: A Southern accent? Aren’t you from Pennsylvania, Miss Swift?  What, Pennsylvania Dutch too Dwight Schrute sexy for you?

She’s downright blood thirsty!  Anyone see the look on her face at the Golden Globes when Adele picked up Best Original Song  for the 007 theme “Skyfall”?  Dang! Girlfriend could’ve killed Dr. No instantly.  Now that’s putting the c%#t back in Country!

Pop princess patently pissed. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Featured, Featured Videos, Music Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

4 Fashion Predictions for 2014 by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

January 20, 2013 By 1 Comment

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!

I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!

You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.

But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”

Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant –  plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.

And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:

Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.

funny men in mustache style

Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES! [Read more...]
Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Dating/Marriage, Featured, Featured Stories, FnS Originals Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Eat This – Momma’s Effin’ Cocktailed-Up Sangria

December 31, 2012 By 2 Comments

Momma loves a good Sangria … it’s fizzy and fuzzy and fruity and lots of other “F” words. But, according to my friend who claims to be a gourmet chef, sangria is hard to make. (Just because your macaroni doesn’t come from a blue box doesn’t mean you’re gourmet, but that’s just my blue-box’ed opinion.) She says you need a bunch of different kinds of expensive liquor and pure cane sugar flown into the mainland by homing Toucans, and it needs to sit in your fridge melding for days on end.

I cry Bullshit. If you can’t drink a drink as soon as it’s mixed, it just ain’t worth it. So, here ya go:

  • 3 (three) bottles of any kind of cheap red wine. The cheaper the better, I always say!
  • 1 (one) liter bottle of 7-up. Why 7-up? It’s the cheapest!
  • 1 can of crushed pineapple. Do not drain it.
  • 1 can fruit cocktail. Again, don’t drain this goodness.
  • 3 – 4 oranges, thinly sliced

In a big ol’ jar—think big…maybe even a sun-tea jar, y’all!—pour in two (2) of the bottles of cheap red wine, the bottle of 7-up, the can of pineapple, the can of fruit cocktail and the slices of oranges. Stir it up real good with a ladle.

And you know what? It’s good to drink now. Right now. Just pop some ice in a plastic cup that you brought home from the BBQ joint, scoop some sangria right in there, swirl it around some and drink up. This will store in the fridge for a few days, if you don’t drink it up first.

And if that snooty, gourmet friend of yours ever shows up, just give her a glass from that third bottle of cheap-ass red wine. You will not want to share this Cocktailed-Up Sangria.

 

Heather Davis

Click Here to see Heather’s Page
Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma

 

Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Featured, Featured Stories Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan

December 29, 2012 By 8 Comments


Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball. [Read more...]
Filed Under: Articles, Columnists, Featured, Featured Stories, FnS Originals, Holiday Humor, Recent Articles Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts
Newer Posts»