EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 12

Dear Suniverse,

Although I’m quite the “as a matter of fact, yes this dildo IS awesome” online, I am quite the opposite in real life — or at least, with people I do not know.

Whether I pack my special toys in my main suitcase or in my carry-on, there’s serious intrusion of privacy shit that can play out either way.

Why not just leave my toys at home, you ask? Well, fuck. I’m a firm believer of the old proverb: “Don’t leave home without it.” (Don’t fool yourself, that shit did NOT start with American Express.)

Sunni, especially in this world we’re living in, there is a very strong likelihood that your private-ness could be put on display for everyone to see. Do you have some pointers as to A. How to hide said special objects in a stealth-like manner? and B. How would you handle such a situation when you’re travelling?

Sincerely,

Lady E, Adventures in Estrogen

 

Lady E,

I am right there with you – not in that I travel with my Happy Maker to every destination, but in that I have twice now gone to conferences in the past few months where Lady Pleasurers were given as swag [and a big thank you, to you, too, Sweetie!]. The husband is thrilled with this turn of events, as am I, but since I’ve flown both places, I’ve also been subject to the invasive search [no, not body cavity invasive; standard TSA invasive].

In both these instances, I’ve just put my carry-on bag on the XRay scanner and walked right through [well, I’ve more minced right through, because I’ve been barefoot and PUBLIC FLOORS ARE DISGUSTING], head held high, daring anyone to say anything about the interestingly shaped objects in my bag. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – When is Dressing Stuffing?

Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebratory time, of when the Pilgrims were helped by the Native Americans and there was a horn o’plenty of food. It was a good harvest, and along with eating there were three days of games and social cooperation. Peace among the people, eating together and sharing alike. No one cared that you called it corn and another called it maize. The feast was delicious and it filled your belly; and it was a time that would go down in history.

Giving of what you have to others should bring out some warm fuzzy feelings of love for one another. And Thanksgiving can do that, except when someone reaches across the table and asks another to “pass the dressing, please.” And that person a few chairs down sends a bottle of Wish-bone Green Goddess back their way.

“Excuse me, I asked for the dressing.”

“Right. And so there you go–dressing.”

“No, the dressing. The side dish there, the savory croutons drowned in butter. Please.”

“That would be stuffing. You want stuffing.”

“No, it’s dressing. My mother called it dressing. Pass the dressing, please.”

“Dressing is salad dressing. That’s what I gave you. If it’s stuffing you want, I can give you stuffing.”

“I don’t call it stuffing. Stuffing is made inside the bird. This was made on the side. I’d like that bowl of dressing that was made outside of the turkey. Please.” [Read more...]

Gobble Gobble – A Tale of Turkey Trepidation by Elizabeth Bastos

turkey trepidationMy holiday eating has swung like a pendulum through fashions. In college, I was a vegetarian. I gave the righteous stink-eye to my family as they were tucking in to the Thanksgiving bird. That’s an animal, I said. They were like, And? So? More dark meat for us.

Later, I became interested in farm to table like everyone else, and I ordered a bird through some Amish farmer cooperative in Pennsylvania. Later, I learned from an aunt in York that the Amish don’t necessarily treat their animals better than anyone else. So forget the Amish. The thing to do was to get a Kosher turkey, so the next year I did that. It was awfully salty. The pan juices reminded me of the months I spent in Israel.

I entertained the idea of hand-raising a turkey, but in high school when I went through a dorky aquarium-fish phase, I killed guppies. Accidentally. I just forgot to clean the aquarium for a year, my mind being on other things: Chris Nagy, the cutest brown-eyed blond thing in Western Pennsylvania that I knew. [Read more...]

4 Funny Female-Centric Web Series to Watch

One of the awesomest things about publishing FnS is that the funny often comes to me. We have recently had several web series sent in by show producers and publicists. Here are 4 of my favorites, I think you will like them, too.

words with girls series

Words With Girls

Brittani Nichols, the creator of Words With Girls submitted a comedy web series featuring herself and Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen fame.  This mostly scripted but part-improv comedy webseries focuses on 20-somethings in Los Angeles. When they’re not busy navigating “the scene” or jumpstarting their careers, these women do what the young, gifted and bored do best: shoot the shit.

Blogologues

Webisoder at Lively Productions, Elaine White,  submitted Blogologues. The series concept is performing material found on the internet. They just happened to have re-inacted one of my all-time favorite humor posts on the planet, It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf**kers from McSweeney’s. I hope they will pick a FnS post soon. I think Open Letter to The Creative Group would be fabulous (subtle hint). [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant: Fashion for Obscure November Holidays

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy November, my peasant friends.

November is a month that most people associate with family, and Thanksgiving. But not me: Héléne Bouffant. The month of November is a month of mourning for me.

You see, as a child, while most little girls begged for kittens and ponies, I pleaded for my parents to gift me with a turkey. Oh, how my schoolmates laughed. But ever since first setting eyes on those noble creatures at my Mamaw and Papaw’s farm, I was enchanted.

 

Majestic. Like Helen Gurley Brown wearing a feather wrap.

[Read more...]

Halloween Treats So Easy Even A Zombie Could Make Them

zombie fingers

Like the undead, most mothers stumble around the kitchen. Who has the life energy to stay up all night baking for the vampires’ (I mean kids’) school Halloween bake sales? Try these recipes. They are no-brainers.

The Pecan Boo!
To melted white chocolate, add a single pecan, orange food coloring…and leave it at that.

Trick or Treat or Whatever
Take a pretzel stick, tape black chenille pipe cleaner cat ears onto one end of it, if you really want to, which you really don’t, so just bring in the pretzel sticks.

Mini Pumpkin Pies
Purchase anything with the word “mini” and “pumpkin” and/or “pie” and/or “on sale” in the name, and then microwave on high, in short bursts. Insert lollypop sticks, or sticks you find lying around in the yard, and allow to cool completely.

Marshmallow Ghosts [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant on Halloween Fashion

It is I, Héléne Bouffant, back with more fashion advice for the unwashed masses (that’s you). In today’s column, I shall attempt to get into the spirit of the season and talk about Halloween costumes. Personally, I don’t care for Halloween. Why on earth would you want to pretend to be anything other than the fashion-froward goddess that you are?  That is why every year, I go as myself. One Halloween, some horrible little child dressed as “the Spiderman” walked up to me and said, “What ARE you?!” To which I replied, “I am HÉLÉNE BOUFFANT! And you look TERRIBLE!” His parents were furious, but I bet he won’t dress that way again! And so another fashion disaster has been crushed in its infancy by Héléne Bouffant.

I did some searching around the internet for Halloween costumes for women, and I must say, I was absolutely OVERWHELMED by the number of career options for women that were represented in costume! Those who think the fight for ladies’ rights is dead had better take a second look! Why, for Halloween women can be anything! Here are just a few of the ensembles I found in the “Women’s Career Costumes” section of various websites.

 

Police officer

Sexy Police Officer Costume
I’ve never heard of this town, “Busted.” Must be outside of the Hamptons.

[Read more...]

God Bless American Hamburgers, Finger Food Edition

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

We excitedly opened our invitation to a friend’s annual July 4th cookout. At the bottom, in fine print, was her new jacked-up plan: We won’t be grilling out; bring finger food to share. What? It’s the fourth of July. No grilled food? When the hell…did the French take over?

I called her and told her that here behind the Iron Curtain, we had burgers for the Fourth of July. It was the American symbol of liberty and overindulgence. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rush Limbaugh wrote it into the Patriot Act. She giggled and said they were going for a more sophisticated menu. I slammed the phone down on her ear. We contemplated not going to such a high-brow, frou-frou event; but that would mean I’d have to cook an entire meal. Instead, I decided to make some finger burgers to share. One way or another, we were going to have burgers for Independence Day. God Bless America and American hamburgers!

1 ½ lbs ground beef, that’s the stuff burgers are made of. I’m sure the hostess would have preferred organic, free-range beef, but I just bought what was on sale at Hellmart – it’s the American way.

8 oz Velveeta, I’m not even sure it’s any kind of cheese, much less actual food, but damn! It’s good stuff!

2 T ketchup or catsup or BBQ sauce if you wanna go all fancy-schmancy

1 T mustard, just the yellow stuff

½ T garlic powder, you could mince a clove, but let’s not get carried away here.

salt, pepper, however much you want – it’s your burger and you are FREE to flavor it as your wish. Thank you, George Washington for our freedom to pursue flavor.

½ onion, minced finely, or not finely – it’s a free country! [Read more...]

Funny not Slutty Fairy Does Friday the 13th

Back to the 80s on FnS