Slutty but Funny Love – Funny Musician Linda Roy


Linda Roy, I am in love with you. God dammit, you’re great. Your ability to embody the mannerisms and quirks of these famous singers is breathtaking and borderline genius. You had me pissing my pants from laughter in your original rendition of Lana Del Ray’s, “Video Games.” Did Lana give up sushi to give birth to her children? No, no she did not. That bitch.

Pairing classic and catchy tunes with hilarious lyrics about your children/fast food/your vagina, well let’s get real here, you found your niche, lady. Like I said, I officially fell in love with you, and I’m pretty sure so will all the Funny not Slutties of the world.
Oh, and can I make one request? Can you write a song about condiments (specifically Hellman’s mayo) and mix it with Kesha’s song, “Blow,” for me? I have a feeling you could rock out a pretty epic love ballad about my baby, Hellman. http://www.modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
[Read more...]

How to Sink a Stepmother in Two School Projects or Less


By Jennifer Worrell

As a second grade teacher, I remember planning ways to torture parents improve student learning with monthly projects. I assigned salt dough maps, egg biographies, dioramas, and model projects to propel parents off the deep end my children’s education to the highest possible level. I then married a man with children enrolled in my school and had to figure out how to complete my own horseshit assignments.

My first project as a new stepmother was a salt dough map of Virginia. As my stepson and I rolled out the dough, I fantasized about how kick-ass myBig T’s map would look. When I tried to cut out the Eastern Shore, the dough rose up around the blade and flipped me the bird. I muddled my way through, overlapping stuck pieces of dough until the Virginia that I created resembled some sort of triangular-shaped vagina completely wrecked by multiple childbirths.

“That looks like shit,” my husband helpfully noted.

“Do it yourself then,” I said, handing him the knife. He made one weak attempt at cutting the dough.

“Screw this,” he said. My husband took the paper template and headed for the barn and his tools. When he returned, he held a piece of wood shaped like Virginia.

“Behold,” he said. “the map.”

“But, Daddy,” Big T. whined, “it has to be made from salt dough, not wood!”

“We’ll cover the wood in salt dough—it’ll be perfect,” my husband said. Within the hour, we had created the most amazing topographical map of Virginia in the history of fourth grade. We kept Virginia, Not Vagina displayed on our stair landing for two years. My stepdaughter, Big A. turned it in when she hit fourth grade. [Read more...]

Cheeeken in a Can and Butter Cookies

BITE ME! Food and Whine on FnS

My mother was a fancy lady. She never cooked, nor cleaned, nor kept up a home. She had grown up in South America, with “servants.” That’s the word she used for the help they had around her house. They had a servant for bed making, sweeping, cooking, market shopping, and small child watching. They even had one to feed my older sister’s pet howler monkey.

When she moved to the United States, that all had to stop. No maids here, but at least there were appliances. Still, the shock of do-it-yourself life along with the unwilling attitude on her part to have to learn how to do for herself, birthed a lot of meal time horror stories.

She couldn’t cook worth a lick. [Read more...]

Keeping It Real – Like the Pioneer Woman

A Pioneer Woman Parody by Heather Davis.


On Saturday mornings, when we raise our heads at the crack of dawn (or about 3 hours afterwards), we like to have a nice family breakfast (when we’re lucky enough to have all the ingredients together – otherwise it’s each man for himself!). We start with gathering the eggs. Expiration dates? Did you know there are expiration dates on eggs? Really? You did? I had no clue. But I say, screw it! They’re pasteurized, right? Besides, if I get sick, the stay in the hospital will be a nice break … I’m just keeping it real, here!

sausage
Lucky us! We found some sausage! The expiration date is very important on sausage; however, it was on the part of the package that is no longer with the sausage. There were no fumes or green tints, so we used it.  This sausage is not organic or freshly ground.  I don’t believe in actually making my own sausage. I do believe in buying the cheapest, fattiest sausage I can find at Hellmart, which I live just down the street from.  I’m just keeping it real here! [Read more...]

Jade Catta-Preta – 16 and Pregnant

Jade Catta-Preta is adorable guesting on the Kevin Nealon Show produced by Laugh Factory.

The Fifth Season – Pauline M. Campos

If web surfing burned calories

When I was a kid there were four seasons: Winter, spring, summer, and fall. Of course, Pluto was also still a planet which goes to show you how the times have changed. Want even more proof? Read the magazine covers while waiting in line at the grocery checkout or take a look at your tweet stream. Because we only watch Nick Jr. and PBS Kids in this house, I wouldn’t know what’s playing on prime time television, but I’ll bet you the muffin top I’ve been sporting since I the day Buttercup was born that there are plenty of commercials airing right now touting weight loss plans and pills with more than obvious references to the season that came to be sometime between I and Don’t Fucking Care.

Say it with me, now, ladies: Swimsuit season. [Read more...]

Janice Peppermill on Being Single – Jenn Dodd

OK, I’m pretty sure Jenn Dodd is making fun of me because I’ve written her about posting on okcupid. That’s ok. Anything for a laugh…PS. I have a date with some okcupid dude Friday night. I’m sure it’s gonna be great…

Both tragic and hilarious, “Janice Peppermill” is a sexual beast. Known for her cones and strict diet of Zima and heartache. An optimist to the very end, Janice takes matters into her own hands by compiling a list of all the “fun new things” she’s doing since her recent divorce.

Memoirs of My America – Chewbacca’s Daughter

by Alexandra

Enter our FnS contest to win a free copy of My Memories fun and easy to use digital scrapbooking software! UPDATE – We have our winner, Francerants!

I was not a good looking kid. Not an ugly one, just one that should there be a talent scout for Models R Us hanging out at the local mall, they wouldn’t be pushing their way through a crowd to get their card to me.

My arms were just as long as my legs, and both were like sticks. And, as true today as it was back then, my feet were too big for my height. With the flat black Sponge Bob shoes my Doctor told my mother I had to wear to fix my pronated gait, I looked like a capital letter L.

I was skinny with eyes that took up half my face. The cherry thrown on top of this flamboyant creation by Mother Nature, was that I was hairy. Eyebrows that began everywhere and extended to my temples, hairy arms, hairy legs, and a hairline that begged for a Ronco at-home electrolysis kit. Had you shown me a picture of Chewbacca back then, I may have very possibly shouted, “Daddy!”  [Read more...]

Eat This! Give-me-chocolate-or-give-me-death Brownies


Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

Every month there comes a time when a woman just wants to be comforted and only chocolate will do. I do not care how totally awesome your new boyfriend is; he will not do. I do not care if your husband held your hair back through 56 weeks of morning sickness; he’s not what you will want. LOOK! Unless it’s that time when YOU need your chocolate, you just won’t get it, so go ahead and shut up and read the recipe! File it away until your Aunt Flow starts knocking on your door then make it. You’re welcome. Geez…

Ingredients

  • 1 pkg large fudge brownie mix
    (No it doesn’t matter what brand. Just grab a box – any box – as long as it is the “large” kind. It might say “family” but you will not be sharing these with your family.)
  • 1 6-oz container vanilla yogurt
    (Trust me: This is not healthy. You will like it.)
  • 1/3 c butter, softened
    (Real butter. Do not think that margarine or canola oil or any of that other pansy-fake-butter-crap will do. It won’t.)
  • 1 t vanilla
    (If any of your super-lucky friends have been to Mexico lately, have them bring you back some Mexican vanilla. And some tequila. And a leather purse – everything’s a steal down there!) [Read more...]

Because she’s a writer, too

My four-year-old and I are sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. I’m on the Mac, writing as usual. She’s coloring. At least, until she puts down the crayons and pushes away her Dora the Explorer coloring book. She has a question for me.

 Mom? Can I have a pen and a piece of paper? I want to write a story.

“Once upon a time there was an elephant who every else thought was crazy, like that mean old kangaroo who really needs a time out, but he was really nice and trying to save those little Who-people on that clover flower. His name was Horton and that mean old kangaroo who needs a time out just didn’t want to listen to Horton about the little Who-people on the clover which isn’t a good thing to do because mean old kangaroos should always listen to crazy elephants named Horton about little Who-people who live on a speck on a clover. [Read more...]