That Doesn’t Make Sense ~ Whitney Avalon

thatdoesn'tmakesense_screenshot

Well-meaning parents try to teach their daughter about different religions…

Whitney Avalon is a television and stage actor, probably most recognizable for appearances on The Big Bang Theory, Days of our Lives, Ikea Heights, and a boatload of commercials including a ‘controversial’ Cheerios spot this year.

http://whitneyavalon.com/

Anal for Christmas ~ Kill The Band

 

happy ending

Well, it’s KILL THE  BAND’s first single from the new EP Happy Ending. The whole album is available for digital download everywhere you can buy music (iTunes, Amazon, Rdio, Spotify).

This punk cabaret rock album emphasizes humor and explores several music genres. “Punk-rock has a three way with rap and comedy while musical theater jerks off in the corner…” The hard copy is available at www.KILLYTHEKID.com

 

Halloween Hoodrat HO Feat. Leah McKendrick

slutty halloween costume

It’s Halloween and the sluts walk the earth… P.S. We actually love sluts.

http://leahmckendrick.com

Ode to Spice Girls – Daniella R. Bondar

Spice World

If I told you that I didn’t embarrassingly rock out to the Spice Girls on two separate occasions in the last four days, I’d be lying. Okay, so it was really three times. Three times in four days. In public. In dive bars. In a karaoke bar. That’s not counting all the times I was alone in my apartment and ran into a Risky Business situation.  What I am really trying to say here, in case you haven’t caught on, is the Spice Girls are the best thing to happen to this universe.  Anyone who says they disagree is lying. Here’s why…

1.  First in regards to the straight males out there who may be denying my very blanketed statement:  For a really long time gals were running around in Spice Girl – esque outfits,  so you are welcome boys.

2. We could mark out maturity growing by which Spice Girl we decided to identify with. ALl of my friends wanted to be Baby Spice. It led to lots of hair pulling and singing over each other. The pulling of pigtails always went a little too far. I had furry scrunchies, so of course I thought I should be the one.

3. The Spice Girls are still providing much unadulterated happiness for drunk girls. Ever been in a bar when a Spice Girls song comes on? Yeah, that. And yeah, I am definitely one of those girls.

4. Everytime I meet a guy I sing him “ If you wanna be my lover…” just so he knows what is up.

5. Spice Girls have taught me, and my generation of pleather donning attitude toting wannabes lots of important life lessons. Like to stop in the name of love and girls can be empowered while looking like super sluts. [Read more...]

‘We Can’t Stop’ by Linda Roy

Sometimes Parenting Is a Strategic Hot Mess 

New parents take note: all the horror stories you’ve heard are true. Those little bundles of joyous DNA will bring you joy mixed with terror. A piece of advice; enjoy your freedom now, because despite your best efforts to lay down the Parenting Law, they will run your life. Sometimes in the best way, others…not so much.

You will be limited in the culinary sense on a regular basis. You will not sleep past six. Your days of open affection under your own roof will be over unless you want to hear a chorus of “ewws!”. Your little darlings will keep you up all night. They will scream when you try to leave the park – for the fifth time – and they will “split” you. In therapist terms, that means as soon as you say no, Mom, they go straight to Dad and get their third bowl of Doritos. They know wassup.

And watch that potty mouth of yours. It may be your mouth, but you can’t say what you want to unless you want to hear it repeated back to you at Thanksgiving Dinner while Aunt Edna has a heart attack.

You think you’ve got it all figured out? You don’t. You just gotta roll with the punches, homies. ‘Cause sometimes parenting is nothing but a strategic hot mess.

 

Lyrics by Linda Roy
Music by Miley Cyrus

 

It’s no party, we can’t do what we want

It’s no party, we can’t say what we want

It’s no party, we can’t eat what we want

We can’t kiss when we want

We can’t sleep when we want

 

Ay!

 

Sippy cups and smelly bodies everywhere

Toys in the air like they don’t care

‘Cause they aim to have so much fun now

Least somebody else might have some now [Read more...]

Commando ~ Song by Linda Roy

Commando 

by: Linda Roy
Music by: ABBA
Lyrics by: Linda Roy

From the Urban Dictionary:
Commando: Not wearing any underpants. “I’m goin’ commando today!” 

This is a delicate subject. It’s a little bit TMI, but I trust FnS readers… Some of you parents out there must have gone through it with your kids at some point. You must have! Okay, here’s the thing. My young son “M” has rug burn issues. I mean my gawd, how many pairs of Star Wars Underoos do we have to go through before he finally puts all this…behind him?  I’m at my wits rear end, people. He goes through so many pairs that I can’t keep up with the laundry. It gets to where I’m out buying extra packs of skivvies to fill his daily undergarment quota.

Yesterday the drawer was empty.

Without making the brief pilgrimage to Target, I was screwed. I was left with no choice but to tell him he’d need to go commando.

M: What’s commando? Is that like GI Joe? [Read more...]

5 Ways To Celebrate Your Mess This Summer on the Fringe ~ Mallory Schlossberg

Sponsored by Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)

So, we’re we’ll into the thick of summer (and that sounds disgusting), and well into half of 2013. If 2013 has not been going according to plan – didn’t lose those ten pounds? Haven’t found a husband/significant other/pet to alleviate your loneliness? Haven’t kicked your wine for dinner habit? Instead of beating yourself up, why not CELEBRATE it?

1. Go to your favorite bar in your sweatpants. OWN IT.

2. Eat an entire bag of pita chips because IT IS DELICIOUS.

3. Skip the workout for a shopping work out.

4. Delete your OK Cupid profile even though you haven’t met anybody. YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

5.  Make an entire dinner out of the microwave. Carcinogenic? Maybe. Delicious? Potentially? Easy? YES.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/molly-marjorie-rosenblatt-needs-a-man-goes-to-fringenyc

There’s an ENTIRE MUSICAL this summer in NYC dedicated to celebrating your mess and not having it together. It’s at the NY International Fringe Festival. For more info, be sure to follow Molly on twitter (@MMRNeedsAMan), like her on Facebook, and check out www.mmrneedsaman.com.

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

God Is the Ultimate Wingman – Linda Roy

Single Christian
God is blazing a technological trail into the 21st Century.

And how is the all knowing Creator doing it?

He’s running a dating site.

God is the ultimate wing man.  He’s the Heavenly Host with the most, the Almighty matchmaker. Because frankly, he’s tired of watching us mortals fuck it up. He’s seen the reality dating shows and decided it’d be a sin not to throw his two cents into the collective basket.

If you want something done right, do it Yourself.

People aren’t exactly flocking to church these days and He needs to increase his fan base. What better way than through the Otherworldly Wide Web.

Besides, now you don’t need background checks.  It’s nicely packaged as “mingling”. Suggests a level of purity.

I like that. There’s enough tawdry shit on the interwebs. Never mind that He’s got zero dating experience. It’s not like He’s going to hook you up with that schlub from Accounting who’s got the crusty Hustler collection stashed in the hall closet.  Plus, you’ll always have a Sunday morning brunch companion.

Not only that, but if you’re an aspiring actor or model, He’s got a website for that too! Wanna “shine for Christ in the entertainment industry”? Of course you do and God wants to be your agent. Oh…and sorry, I know becoming a Christian is automatic, but you might have to audition for this.

As for dating, it probably feels like you’ve spent 40 days and 40 nights flooded with the uncertainty of your romantic future. But fear not single Christian. On God’s dating site it’s raining men.

Hallelujah.

 

 

Single Christian

Music by Night Ranger
Lyrics by Linda Roy

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s Pray”

 

You’re ownin’ it

Trust your plight to Christ

He’ll find your Mr. Right

He runs a dating site

 

You’re smolderin’

It’s not like you’re Sasquatch

You’ll find God’s perfect match

The fish you’ll loaf to catch

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s pray”

 

‘Cause you’re smolderin’

Yeah, smolderin’

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

Linda Roy Records ~ Wry Generation…The…Who?

photo
My teenage son and I were watching the concert for Hurricane Sandy Relief while The Who were onstage.  He knows their music.  His father and I are musicians and we make sure our kids are schooled in the classics, lest they end up with the misguided notion that John Mayer’s got it goin’ on or something.

So when the question came, I was caught totally off guard.  “Who is that?

“What do you mean ‘who is that’, it’s The Who!”

“Who?”

“Them! The Who!”

“Who, them?”

And so it went; own rendition of “Who’s On First”. [Read more...]

“I Can’t Believe I Had Sex With You” – Valentine Music Vid by MVPleez – Natalie Wall

Screen shot 2013-02-14 at 10.23.05 AM
With Valentine’s Day now upon us, there is only one thing we single ladies can do: shudder at our regrettable sexual lovers. All. Of. Them.

It’s okay. We all have our past sexual anguishes. No judgment. Revel in your past drunken stupidity, by drinking even more. It’s a vicious cycle really, but it’s the only way mistakes are made.

So grab a bottle of three-dollar wine, order that free Papa John’s pizza you won from the Super Bowl coin-toss, and commiserate with the ladies of MVPleez about letting that scab kiss your boobs. Repeatedly.

And cry. You should probably cry, too. Like, a lot.

MVPleez is Monica West and Valentine Bureau. Two ladies from NYC who turn their every day lives into music videos. Because, well, why wouldn’t you?
www.MVPleez.com * follow us! https://twitter.com/#!/MVPleez

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).