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Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes

May 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

makeup-on-the-cheap

No car insurance? Oh well. No food money?  As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation?  We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE.

Let us, friends, discuss a poor girl’s take on makeup….

I’ll start right at the beginning.  I wake up and probably have some makeup on from the previous day, creased, caked, and smudgy, my eyes an especially gross event that requires vicious rubbing and picking while I figure out who has to go to the bathroom more urgently, myself or the dog.  The dog statistically has a 85 percent chance of establishing importance in this decision, and I end up immediately regretting it as my urgency goes up by 15 points after stepping out into the ever chilly morning (err noonish) air.

Once the pup has had all his needs taken care of (outside, breakfast, sufficient amount of morning recognition in the form of various pets) I step into the bathroom to do step 1 of my morning stuff.  Step 1 is wash face.  Washing face is essential since my face is covered in previously mentioned leftover makeup as well as drool no doubt.  I want to point out that the face washing situation is very simple. I do not have toner, I don’t have a special wash for certain days or situations, and I don’t have a special sponge, wipe or towel.  I have face wash, the same face wash the boyfriend uses, with little beads of something in it , and the word” Morning” on it in yellow or bright blue.  I use a very small amount, not to conserve as you would assume but because it dries my face out too much as I’m older and my skin is not as greasy and I should have put lotion on it before I went to bed anyway, BUT a poor girl cannot afford face lotion for night and day, that’s like a $9 an hour job luxury. [Read more...]

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“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

May 16, 2013 By 6 Comments

louiselog
Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

AnnFlournoy
Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Spark – http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Log – http://thelouiselog.com

 

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

 

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Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

April 25, 2013 By Leave a Comment

image001

Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

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Suburban Haiku ~ Peyton Price

April 14, 2013 By 1 Comment

cami photoThe funny ladies
age much better than the sluts
and get less TDs.

Dress code addendum:
extra coats of mascara
do not count as clothes.

It is nice weather
but not wifebeater weather,
Mom in spike heel boots.

Women of the burbs:
If it’s sold with underthings
wear it under things.

Consider cleavage
before showing up at school.
So, is this enough?

[Read more...]

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K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

April 14, 2013 By 2 Comments

art
There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

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Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

April 9, 2013 By 2 Comments

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

April2fts

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

[Read more...]

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You Poor, Stupid, Sad, Fat Girl by Adrianne Frost

April 3, 2013 By 2 Comments

Choking1

 

In the movies and on television, fat girls have it pretty bad. Frankly, fat girls are fucked. End of story. I personally have died twice, as a poor, stupid, sad, fat girl.

The first time I died, it was because my boyfriend was in the Al Qaeda. He was using me to get some kind of Al Qaeda shenanigans going. I had met him on the internet, in an “I like fat chicks” website that my fat friend and I trolled. He thought I discovered his plot and had me killed. The killer was a handsome stranger who flirted with me in a liquor store, whom I followed and, presumably gave a blowjob to in hopes of true love (because that’s what fat girls do), but was strangled and left in a boiler room in Brooklyn instead.

The second time I died, Cuba Gooding, Jr. found me at my job at an elementary school, and he charmed me into meeting him later for dinner by jump starting my car and flashing a toothy grin. He comes to pick me up at my apartment and my roommate tells him that I got freaked out, thinking I wasn’t attractive enough for him and I went off unaccompanied. So, I’m all alone in the bar, looking sad, when the dashing Neil McDonaugh (a time-traveling murderer) sidles up and begins a friendly conversation. I welcome that, because I hardly ever get attention paid to me. I go to the bathroom, Neil follows me, Cuba gets there too late and I get eviscerated. I’m serious. I had a big “Y” cut into my chest. I looked like a bullfrog, in a nice dress, who wandered into a science class.

Dead1

This wasn’t real-life, of course, but two acting jobs I had. I have noticed that this happens with most movies and TV shows: fat girl ends up with not-fat guy because he is using her or she is so desperate that she doesn’t realize he is a serial killer/rapist/puppy eater. Most of these characters are flattered and flustered when a white, physically fit, non-UPS driver pays them any mind. It’s like they’re looking at a work of art that they can never afford. And who would sell it to them, anyway?

Mostly, I get stuck as the 911 operator, patrol-car cop or EMT. You know, the sit down jobs. We can’t run, you know. That’s why you never see us on “The Walking Dead”, we done got ate. Once, I was cast as a lawyer who was not described as “heavyset” in the breakdown. I was just a normal, money hungry, ambulance-chasing attorney representing a killer. It felt progressive. Then, a few years later, I’m in Baton Rouge, getting dissected by a handsome actor. [Read more...]

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How I’m Filling That 30 Rock Void ~ Ginny Leise

March 9, 2013 By 2 Comments

 

2 broke girls VS 30 Rock

Now that 30 Rock is over, I’m hunting for a replacement show to fill the void.  TV, as a whole, is in great shape right now. There are so many great shows out there it’s a struggle to keep up with them all. Mad Men, Game of Thrones, House of Cards, Walking Dead, Downtown Abbey, Breaking Bad… the list goes on and on. But the hole 30 Rock left in my heart is specifically shaped. A 30-minute sitcom hole that no character driven hour long drama could properly plug.

Parks & Recreation- You lend stability to my life like an awesome big sister. You are consistently funny and I don’t live in fear you’ll be randomly canceled mid-season. And yet, as much as I adore your writing, the feeling is more platonic than passionate.

Community- Thank god you’re back! It’s like being reunited with a college lover after a whole summer and fall semester abroad. But I must guard my heart because as many comedy orgasms as you’re giving me now, you could get canceled at any moment and never call me again.

The Mindy Project- I like you Mindy, as you the public figure and as you the heightened sitcom character. But I don’t really like anybody or anything else on this show. Which bums me out because I want to supportive not snarky. Best not say anything else.

New Girl- I like you. Although sometimes I wonder, “Why are they all yelling?” But boisterous is definitely the worst thing for a show to be. [Read more...]

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Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

February 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes!

It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to sleep, and now I shall judge its performance.

I shall start by sharing my personal contribution to last night’s awards. It should not surprise you that I – Héléne Bouffant – have provided styling at the Oscars for eons! Of course, my influence is most prominent behind the scenes rather than on the red carpet. But do not underestimate my power, my little chickadees! In fact, I control the red carpet itself! And by that, I mean that I am the official stylist to the men who roll out the actual carpet.

 rollcarpet

The jaunty newsboy cap was my idea.

 

Yes, my work was featured on CNN this year. They try to keep me in the shadows, but Héléne Bouffant will not be silenced on Oscar night!

But now, let me offer my thoughts on those designers whose work was seen on those in the spotlight…the burning, white-hot spotlight that calls to me with the intensity of a thousand STDs. I shall return to greatness one day, and I will bring a firestorm of plaid and sequins with me. But for now, let’s see what these other assholes turned out.

Oscars Anne

 No one puts Anne’s nipples in a corner

I have four words for this dress. MAG-NIF-I-CENT. Yes! A pale pink Prada sheath accented by hard, prominent nipples. Bravo, Miss Hathaway, for showing the world in no uncertain terms how very excited you were to be a part of this special, slightly chilly night. Now, some are trying to give the credit for this look of alertness to the darting on your gown. I reject this assessment, and applaud your nipples for their Annie Oakley-like defiance of cultural norms. The rest of your look may say, “subdued” and “appropriate,” but your nipples are saying, “Who do I have to stab around here to get a beer?”

Bravo, Madame.
[Read more...]

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Might we suggest “Chloe + Zoë?” – Natalie Wall

February 5, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Meet Chloe (creator, writer, actor and sometimes director) + Zoe ( Actor, and sometimes writer). These two ladies are going to be your besties for the next 3-to-7 minutes. Why, you ask? Because they are awkwardly awesome.

Is it just me or is this era of the 20-something ladies, trying to get their shit together, but not really actively getting their shit together (the characters they portray, that is)? I sure as hell hope so.

Chloe and Zoe, let me just say, you two are pioneers, making a path for all other awkwardly hilarious 20-something-ers to embrace the funny. Expect to acquire many a lady fans, and hearing the phrase, “Oh these chick’s get just me,” on multiple occasions in the future. [Read more...]

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