A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney

by K A B L O O E Y

(The following partial transcript of Andy Rooney’s final 60 Minutes appearance was leaked to Funnynotslutty.com. The segment will be broadcast on October 2nd, 2011.)

 

Tick… tick… tick… tick….

BYRON PITTS: So Andy, you were quoted some years back as saying you’d only leave the show if you “dropped dead.” What made you change your mind?

ANDY ROONEY: Well, I’ll tell you, Ed…

BR: It’s Byron.

AR: What?

BR: I’m Byron Pitts.

AR: You’re not Ed Bradley?

(Pitts shifts uncomfortably in his chair.)

BR: No. Ed Bradley died, actually, in 2006. I’ve been here for years. I won an Emmy.

AR: I thought you shaved your beard and took off that cockamamie earring.

(Rooney rips off his mic and storms off, yelling as he goes.)

AR : Get me Morley Safer. Where the hell is Safer? You stick him on an ice floe and push, like you did to Mike Wallace?

(The show cuts abruptly to commercials. When it returns, Morley Safer has replaced Byron Pitts.)

MORLEY SAFER: Andy Rooney began his career as a war correspondent in 1943. He later joined the 60 Minutes family, where he started “A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney” thirty-three short years ago. He’s brought the same irascible wit to topics such as rap music, paper clips, and the disappearance of phone booths as he did to covering the German army’s march down the Champs-Elysées. On that sad note, here is Andy Rooney. And his eyebrows. [Read more...]

Kathy Griffin Meets Michele Bachmann

…the title says it all.

An Overdue Thank-You Note to the Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country

by Laura Burns

March 12, 2009

Dear Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country,

Thank you for saving me $34.84 per month, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, by recently passing legislation that reduced the amount of tax money withheld from my paycheck. Because of the magnitude of your generosity, and because I know you’ve got other things to take care of, I have decided to do your intel a favor by publicly detailing the manner in which I plan on spending this money over the next 30 days.

Item #1

When I go out to the bar this weekend to celebrate a holiday associated with drinking, I will buy myself a beer. Then, if a charming fellow offers to buy me a drink, I can slyly raise my bottle, indicating that I’m all set, instead of freaking out and only requesting water because I don’t trust the intentions of men. I think, if you were to offer me a drink, I would also only ask for a tap water because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based on a fluke, drunken presidential-office hookup that would make you respect me less as a person. And I certainly wouldn’t want any of the above to happen on account of my not having any money to buy my own beer, which would undoubtedly cause me to accept your offer of a Red Bull vodka, which would inevitably lead to the consummation of our deep, romantic feelings towards each other.

$34.84 − $5.00 = $29.84, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #2

The next thing I would like to invest in is a good breakfast at this excellent diner downtown that I went to one time. They have a delicious and various selection of eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, crepes, and the like. Because the morning after is going to be so rough for me, once I realize that you and I will never work out because we’re going in two completely different directions. I mean, you’ve got to manage our substantially sized nation’s economy, and I still have an outstanding payment at a health club located in a wealthy suburb that used predatory tactics to rope me into a full-year contract, which I promptly cancelled, but still I fear they are out to get me. Plus, I’m addicted to caffeinated beverages, reasonably priced designer clothes, and digital keychain pets. [Read more...]

Cue Black Girls – Zollar and Threatte

cue black girls

 

Walk right when you done wrong from Cue Black Girls on Vimeo.

We know you done did it. We saw you in them handcuffs, so don’t even try to throw a jacket over your fool head as a disguise- child PLEASE! Who do you think you are fooling? Nobody. (but you might if you try these techniques)

Cue Black Girls (Keisha Zollar and Renee Threatte) – well you can blame Anne Hathaway for that one. And let me just establish it’s “Cue” not “Cute”…this isn’t porn, my mom watches the show. Anyway back to Anne Hathaway- I heart her. I have watched every single good (“Brokeback Mountain”, “Rachel Getting Married”) and crappy (ahem- “Bride Wars”) movie that she has been in. So when “Love and Other Drugs” came out I bought my ticket and plunked down to watch “Princess Diaries” have lots of sex with the “Donnie Darko”. Terrible. Just….terrible. Cliches all over the place from her dying, to the token minority sidekick coffee shop worker, and lame brother of the male lead with all the usual fat hatred jokes plugged into the necessary spots. But the cherry on top were the tender moments- where they added a track with some black lady wailing in the background like she had just caught the spirit at church. Oh lawd. [Read more...]

Michele Bachmann Prays it Away – Gabrielle Birchak

Michele Bachmann (Gabrielle Birchak) explains why she prayed the “Democrat” away.

When I was younger, I took a break from acting and performing to study Physics in college. The more I read about the scientific revolution of the 1700s, the more I became intrigued with the American Enlightenment of the 1800s. Reading the works of the great thinkers of that time, giving highest props to Thomas Jefferson, truly edified me to understand the foundation to the Declaration of Independence. Of course, as an actress and comedian, I could not stop that voice in the back of my head that kept asking, “What’s funny about this?” The more I read the works of America’s founding fathers, the more I began to see the three-ring-circus that currently controls America’s political landscape. The government’s hypocrisies, the flippancy, and the lack of dedication – it is all so obvious. That is why I cannot help but joke about politics!

Follow Gab’s VBlabs - http://www.gabriellebirchak.com/

Hippie Chick for President – Mara Herron

Vote Hippie Chick 2012 and party with the party, party.

Sponsored by Mara Herron (performance), Anya Garrett (video), Brad Steuernagel (support), Josh Walker (theme).

Mara Herron has been featured in the Kings of Leon music video, “Four Kicks,” starred in a Trojan condom web commercial, heard on Sirius Radio, and performed in the Boston Comedy Festival.

Top 7 Places in US for Summer Vacation By “Victoria Jackson”

My Top Seven Favorite Places in America for Summer Vacation
By “Victoria Jackson”

by Blythe Jewell

1. Arkansas.
The men all wear shirts with the sleeves cut off, and there are, like, ZERO Muslims here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Texas.
Rick Perry’s hair is the shit! I just want to do a handstand in it! [Read more...]

Vote Victoria Jackson for President – Chantal Carrere

Victoria Jackson shares all the reasons why you should vote her into presidency.

chantal girls

Chantal Carrere was named one of “The Funniest Lesbian comedians in America” by Curve magazine. She captured 6th place in the “TopTen Funniest Lesbians” along side notable performers such as Ellen DeGeneres. She was declared 11th in the “One Hundred Women We Love” issue of Go Magazine. Chantal relocated from her native California to Boston where she can be seen performing in clubs and colleges through the US. She also tours nationally with both “Five Funny Females” and “Lesbians of Laughter” shows.

American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson”

American H.O.A.R : Spreading the Awareness – by “Victoria Jackson”
by Traci Foust and Iraqi Vet, Tyler Jones

Hi everyone! As you all know, this “Independence” Day kicks off the tour of my first presidential campaign: Hand standing up for the Obligation of American Restoration (HOAR) My mission is the same as it has been since the first time I voted way back in 2000, to keep my country from the disabling grips of communism and homosexuality. So far my campaign trail has lead me to many wonderful folks who are just as worried as I am about socialism and gay things like everyone having access to health care, fire stations and marriage.  Last week I stopped in Tempe Arizona, and aside from triple digit temperatures, all the New Age Jesus haters in Sedona and illegal Mexicans setting fire to practically the entire state, my trip has been great so far.  I even had the chance to sit down with retired military personnel Tyler Jones. Tyler is a young outspoken man who is just as angry about the wrong turn our country has taken as I am. I could totally tell by his numerous tattoos and piercings, this man is a jaded veteran, furious and crude in the aftermath of the treatment he and his comrades received from liberal haters and the misguiding of the “Commander in Chief”.  Plus, our initials rhyme which I believe may be a sign from the Lord that it’s ok to talk to him.

VJ: Mr. Jones it’s so nice of you to speak with me today and answer my questions. Considering how confusing life must be for someone who fought so hard to free our nation of terrorism only to come back to the states and find the real terror has just begun right here at home.

TJ: Uh huh. Thanks Vickie. Not exactly sure what you mean by the real terror at home, though.

VJ: Well, let’s begin with the gay agenda smokescreen the Obama Administration provides by means of supporting  “don’t ask don’t tell”. When I first heard this phrase I was all, Oh, so this is something good because my youth minister said this a lot at summer Bible camp, but when I found out what this whole agenda was really about I was like, Gross! It’s basically just an excuse for “women” to indulge in boy things like flying helicopters and wearing combat boots. An obvious ploy for the encouragement of lesbianism. It’s such a disgrace to real women everywhere.

TJ: A Disgrace? You mean like those frilly bows you insist on wearing? The ones that make you look like more of a moron than even Sarah Palin? [Read more...]

Victoria Jackson Memes – Sharon Jamilkowski

“The bigger the bow, the more you know!” See Victoria Jackson propaganda by Sharon Jamilkowski.

Victoria Jackson-Bow

[Read more...]