I Enjoy Being a Girl (With the Exception of the Annoying Bits)

 Chicktionary-Book

by Anna Lefler

Author of The CHICKtionary:
From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know 

Ah, womanhood.  Just when you think you’ve got your game on, society – or your body – steps in and changes the rules. 

It’s the perfect weekend for a romantic beach getaway?  Not according to your uterus. 

Your boyfriend is totally over his ex?  Really?  Let’s have a look in that coffee cup cabinet.

New gauchos for casual Friday?  Um, we’re not doing that anymore.

Is there no end to the uniquely female annoyances we must face on a daily basis?  Apparently not.  On the upside, at least we have someone to talk to about these indignities:  each other.  And, because the bulk of the female experience is common to all women, we don’t have to waste time explaining ourselves.

However, if we did try to explain the challenges of womanhood to, say, a non-native speaker, the definitions might go something like this: [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – How To Live In a State of Mortification

funny avocado

For some, *ahem, me*, growing up raised by people from a different country is a hairbreadth away from being an indescribable experience. It can also provide many moments of red faced horrific distress. [Read more...]

Saturday Morning Cartoons on FnS 11.12.11

 

Best Canadian Love Song Ever – Megan Lent

I’m something of a sensitive singer-songwriter. I’m a “voice of a generation” kind of person. I started singing on a tour of the House of Representatives last summer, and I’m not going to say that my voice caused John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi to set aside their partisan differences and make sweet, passionate love on Harry Reid’s desk, but I’m also not going to say that it didn’t happen, either. Here I let out my truest emotions and declare the one thing that I really, truly want — a Canadian. To fuck. – Megan Lent

 

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Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 3

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Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part II

Click here for Kablooey’s Part I

 

Oxymoronic Costumes I Found Online:

 

funny mental

Because serious mental illness is hawt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Sexy Straight Jacket
2. Sexy Skunk
3. Sexy Sea Turtle
4. Sexy Watermelon
5. Sexy Statue of Liberty

 

K A B L O O E Y’s Halloween Pet Peeves:

 

1.    Designers of every costume listed above.  Just because you cut the Willie Wonka costume off at the crotch doesn’t mean you’ve created “Sexy Willie Wonka.”   [Read more...]

Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part I

An Illustration of How Costume Companies Devise Their Ideas:

 

Costume-Companies-Kablooey-web 

 

People Who Love Halloween:  [Read more...]

Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Halloween


Well, you dirty trollops, it’s that time of year again. The time of year you feel entitled to hang your lady goods out on display and parade around asking for The VD like Nuns ask for The Communion.

No, no, not Tuesday afternoon, you insolent Jezebel.

I’m talking about Satan’s Day, dear. Something you’re probably too damn familiar with: Halloween. Pass Nana the tequila; she’s going to need something stronger than rosé to set your generation straight. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – Penny for a Peanut Butter Twist

There we stood: the hobo, the circus clown with the red SOS pad sidehair, Casper the friendly ghost, and Fred Flintstone.

My Colombian family had not been in this country long enough to understand all the essential childhood nuances of Halloween’s Trick or Treat in the 1960′s, especially for a girl:

The Trick or Treat Night Dream List:

My costume will be home made and glittery and have some netting, somewhere

My trick or treat candy bag will be home made and glittery and match my costume


The Please Dear God Basics List: [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 2

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

 

Dear Suniverse,

Why is Mariah Carey?

Confused


Dear Confused,

Why, indeed?

I confess, I know very little about Mariah Carey.  I know that she’s married to Nick Cannon, but the only reason I know who Nick Cannon is is because he was once on The Chappelle Show.  Is he a muppet?  Is she? [Read more...]