Memoirs of My America – Penny for a Peanut Butter Twist

There we stood: the hobo, the circus clown with the red SOS pad sidehair, Casper the friendly ghost, and Fred Flintstone.

My Colombian family had not been in this country long enough to understand all the essential childhood nuances of Halloween’s Trick or Treat in the 1960′s, especially for a girl:

The Trick or Treat Night Dream List:

My costume will be home made and glittery and have some netting, somewhere

My trick or treat candy bag will be home made and glittery and match my costume


The Please Dear God Basics List: [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 2

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

 

Dear Suniverse,

Why is Mariah Carey?

Confused


Dear Confused,

Why, indeed?

I confess, I know very little about Mariah Carey.  I know that she’s married to Nick Cannon, but the only reason I know who Nick Cannon is is because he was once on The Chappelle Show.  Is he a muppet?  Is she? [Read more...]

#occupyanthropologie – Laura Burns

funny-politics

I’m wearing a colorful patchwork apron with an applique fastened to the left strap, my ankles eased against an elephant-shaped foot rest. I am seated on a purple velvet armchair, reading a copy of Bigfoot: I Not Dead. I am twirling one strand of my hair with a quirky doorknob. I am occupying Anthropologie.

This wasn’t planned. It came about organically, this morning when I set foot in the Nordstrom Mall. I was browsing the windows of Betsey Johnson and Free People when I smelled something enchanting across the hall. It was a cross between new car smell and a better life. It lingered in the air as I made my way through the glass doors. An array of deconstructed rare (I assume) books hung above. That’s when I felt the first twinge of expensive-kitsch-borne oppression. [Read more...]

FnS Interview – Aubrey Anderson-Emmons of Modern Family

Aubrey-and-Amy-Anderson

Meet 4 year old, Aubrey Anderson-Emmons, the new Lily on Modern Family. You have heard of Modern Family, right? The hottest family sit-com in existence?  Well, it just so happens that Aubrey’s mom, Amy Anderson, is a Funny not Slutty. Amy was kind enough to ask Aubrey my interview questions, and promises these are real answers. Don’t miss the two videos after the jump, and you can keep up with Aubrey and Amy at http://www.funnyyellowmom.blogspot.com/.

 Aubrey-Anderson-Emmons
Your show Modern Family just won 5 Emmys. What is an Emmy? –  I don’t know what’s an Emmy!! (Amy: It’s an award.) I want to win an Emmy! Do I get to have an Emmy?!

Is it hard not to laugh when you shoot funny scenes? How do you keep from laughing? –  Yeah. It’s hard. I sit down, but they say not to sit down. Why do they say that?

Your character Lily has two dads, what do you think that would be like in real life?  - No, I want to have THREE daddies!

What do you think are the funniest things in the world? –  Taylor! (her friend from school)

If you could be the star of any film or TV show you wanted, what would you be in? – MODERN FAMILY!!!

Your Mom is a comedian and actress, do you think she is funny? – No!

 
[Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – Lunchroom Angst

by Alexandra

funny-lunch-story

I am a suburban mother of three school age children, who, like most mothers across America; finds herself packing lunches Monday through Friday. For most mothers out there, I’ll bet pleasant memories of trading lunches with grade school friends brings a smile to their lips as they seal baggies with healthy, routine lunch fare for their American children.

You all probably see yourselves, back in fourth grade, sitting at the long lunchroom table across from your friends. Chattering away while pulling out the contents of what your very American parent has packed for you. So sweet, I’m happy for you; really. I’m happy that reminiscing about swapping lunches makes you smile and doesn’t conjure up a knot in your stomach.

It all has to do with what your childhood lunches were like. My lunches, my first-generation born here lunches, can only be described with the word “PANIC” placed in front of it. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Dear Sarah Jessica Parker

by Natalie Wall

 

Sarah Jessica Parker…shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you making all women feel inadequate about themselves based solely on the fact that you…are you. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]

Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts

kids craftsby K A B L O O E Y

The Mooch and I stare down at a table full of glitter-bombed dreck.  Brenda, my daughter’s Brownie troop leader, points to a green lump with glued-on googly eyes and orange tinsel hair.

“This is Moochie’s St. Patrick’s Day project. She didn’t finish it, then said it didn’t matter because mom always throws them out anyway.”

Crap.  I shoot a horrified glance at my informant daughter, mutter “Oh, Fredo, you broke my heart” and start furious verbal backpedaling.

“Oh, no; she’s confused.  We throw away some of the school papers, the worksheets and whatnot, but not her Brownie projects.” 

In truth, she’s lucky if they make the car. Every week there is another holiday themed, dollar bin at Michael’s craft project to transport home.  Invariably, they are covered in wet Elmer’s glue, so you have to hold them gingerly, as if they are made of Dresden china. It’s like transporting baby chicks with brittle bone disease.

Once the foam monstrosities are in the house, they stay on the dining room table, shedding pipe cleaners, until my daughter forgets about them.  Then I collect a pile and dispose of them under cover of night, like a serial killer burying the bodies. [Read more...]

A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney

by K A B L O O E Y

(The following partial transcript of Andy Rooney’s final 60 Minutes appearance was leaked to Funnynotslutty.com. The segment will be broadcast on October 2nd, 2011.)

 

Tick… tick… tick… tick….

BYRON PITTS: So Andy, you were quoted some years back as saying you’d only leave the show if you “dropped dead.” What made you change your mind?

ANDY ROONEY: Well, I’ll tell you, Ed…

BR: It’s Byron.

AR: What?

BR: I’m Byron Pitts.

AR: You’re not Ed Bradley?

(Pitts shifts uncomfortably in his chair.)

BR: No. Ed Bradley died, actually, in 2006. I’ve been here for years. I won an Emmy.

AR: I thought you shaved your beard and took off that cockamamie earring.

(Rooney rips off his mic and storms off, yelling as he goes.)

AR : Get me Morley Safer. Where the hell is Safer? You stick him on an ice floe and push, like you did to Mike Wallace?

(The show cuts abruptly to commercials. When it returns, Morley Safer has replaced Byron Pitts.)

MORLEY SAFER: Andy Rooney began his career as a war correspondent in 1943. He later joined the 60 Minutes family, where he started “A Seeming Eternity With Andy Rooney” thirty-three short years ago. He’s brought the same irascible wit to topics such as rap music, paper clips, and the disappearance of phone booths as he did to covering the German army’s march down the Champs-Elysées. On that sad note, here is Andy Rooney. And his eyebrows. [Read more...]