New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

vajayawn

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:

 

Climacteric

Wymmin

Whynnnin

‘Ncryin

NoLubridownthere

Vajayawn

Es-tro-gone

Progestergroany

Chinhair

Crone

Sisterwife

Grandma Moses

Throwthetoasteroutthewindow

Defenestration [Read more...]

Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

gopher 2
God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

Might we suggest “Chloe + Zoë?” – Natalie Wall

Meet Chloe (creator, writer, actor and sometimes director) + Zoe ( Actor, and sometimes writer). These two ladies are going to be your besties for the next 3-to-7 minutes. Why, you ask? Because they are awkwardly awesome.

Is it just me or is this era of the 20-something ladies, trying to get their shit together, but not really actively getting their shit together (the characters they portray, that is)? I sure as hell hope so.

Chloe and Zoe, let me just say, you two are pioneers, making a path for all other awkwardly hilarious 20-something-ers to embrace the funny. Expect to acquire many a lady fans, and hearing the phrase, “Oh these chick’s get just me,” on multiple occasions in the future. [Read more...]

The Loss of 30 Rock ~ Ginny Leise

Last night I began a conversation with a co-worker with one the most reliable moves in my chatting repertoire.

“So…Do you watch 30 Rock?”

“Actually, I just started watching it recently,” she replied.

And just like that, I underwent an uncontrollable physiologically reaction and began to cry because that’s appropriate workplace behavior.

Not big, messy tears. Rather the tears that just fill your eyes and yet still completely betray the fact that you’re on the verge of a fullblown meltdown, heaving, snotting, you know, the works.

“You. Are. So. Lucky,” I said, blinking furiously. “You get to experience each episode for the first time.”

I have a long history of inexplicably crying at inopportune moments—a certain college admissions interview comes to mind. This crying jag, I fear, spouted from somewhere deeper. 30 Rock means a lot to me. Over the years, its made me laugh so hard and totally boggled my mind with its brilliance. As this last season comes to a close, I’m grieving  like Liz Lemon after she realizes Sandwich Day is over and not coming again for another year. But this time Sandwich Day will never come again. Ever. [Read more...]

How To Get Over That Guy In Six Surprisingly Easy Steps – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM
So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single lady, it was not going to last for too long, despite the initial honeymoon phase. Now that I’m eating solid foods again and have begun eating “happy” feelings (because I never stopped eating my feelings), I feel the need to share some things I’ve learned in this coping process. You see, when I was sad, I turned to the only place where I knew to get advice on how to get over a guy who isn’t into you – The Internet. Needless to say, I did not get the best advice. So here I am, ladies, telling you how to really get over that guy that you didn’t date that long but still crushed your spirits for a week or something.

 

1. Make a list of all of the flaws he MIGHT have had

This always works. Since you didn’t get to see all of his flaws, since it didn’t last that long, he could have very well had a lot of things wrong with him. Imagine the guy that crushed you saying he hates kittens, babies, sunshine, people, and orgasms! He definitely never said it, but the more you think that thought…I swear, it works.

 

2. Find a tweet that you wrote the day of your first date, to show you just how powerful you were before you met him.

Here’s one of mine:

 

 

3. Find a tweet that you wrote during the course of this short dating whirlwind to show you just how not funny you were while dating someone.

For instance:

 

 

 
[Read more...]

Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison

Deep Fried Bubble Gum

If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway?

Self-improvement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who really wants to be healthier, smarter, and have fewer bad habits? Not me, that’s for sure. I have too many other more important things to do like sit on my butt watching Lifetime movies, look at unattractive pictures of celebrities in gossip magazines, and think of something new to deep fry. Okay the last thing isn’t true. I’ve never deep fried anything in my life. All that hot oil scares me.

If I did actually deep fry something, I would be keeping my resolution to conquer my fears. Maybe there are deep fried marshmallows in my future. Is that a thing or did I make it up? If I did, don’t steal my idea.

Once I get over this deep frying fear I could market my deep fried marshmallows and make bundles. That would take care of my resolution to make more money. Wow … that’s like killing two birds with one stone. I’m brilliant. Wait a minute … does that mean I just achieved my goal to be a little smarter this year? Oh my goodness, I think I did. [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan


Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball. [Read more...]

Six Reasons You Are Single On New Years’ Eve – Mallory Schlossberg

You’re probably wondering why you are alone on New Years’ Eve, and why when that ball drops you’ll be ogling all of the couples sucking face all over the bar (or you’ll be at home polishing off the bag of pita chips, which may be more of a winning situation). Take it from me – your token single lady in New York City. This isn’t all bad news! It’s just the facts of life. You might have made some major mistakes in 2012.  I know I did.  I’ve come to face how I’ve become preternaturally single, and I’m here to help all of you, so that come December 31, 2013, you might not be alone (although if I am, hell, I’m cool with it).

 

1. You tweet what you’re eating

Do you tweet things like, “My favorite feeling to eat is ‘quixotic?” or how you find peanut butter and hummus to be the best foods in the world? Do you announce your impending food baby pregnancy? Here’s the problem: men don’t want to know what you’re eating. Men see the words “food baby,” and think “she’s pregnant!” and run away. Also, the guy you want to date isn’t paying close attention to your twitter, unless it says, “porn HERE!” (Then do the smart thing: direct it to an image of you eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s… Food PORN?)

 

2. You publicly announce how you’ve stopped taking birth control

Maybe when you thought Romney’s presidency was going to eradicate all free or affordable birth control so you stashed all of your pills in your medicine cabinet. Then at a bar you said to a hot guy, “hahahaha, sooooo, I’m not taking my birth control anymore!” Here’s a fact: all guys think all women are on the pill ALL OF THE TIME. They think women fall into two categories: pill taking and not pregnant, or not pill taking and pregnant. The second you said that, all of the male heads in the room turned and saw you carrying his Junior.

 

3. You save money by wearing last night’s make up today

I have discovered this money saving technique! You can make your foundation and eyeliner last TWICE as long! It’s also a great way to look like you are doing a permanent walk of shame, AKA “damaged goods.” I mean, I think of it as a walk of pride, but not everyone views it that way.

 

4. Wait? What day is it?

If you think it’s still Christmas or Thanksgiving, or some other day in the universe, that might have something to do with it. Just a thought. I mean, I don’t operate on a normal schedule (Monday IS the new Friday, people), so my “alternative scheduling” aka “fledgling freelancer” life may turn some people off. Call me a calendar hipster; I call it creating new limits on a man-made structure…thereby, making me a calendar hipster.

 

5.  Your bladder is super small

Do you constantly have to get up in the middle of dates to pee? I do. It definitely ruins the mood of date, but hey, you know what nobody ever said? “Nothing says sexy time like a UTI!”

 

6. You are surrounded douche bags who don’t recognize that all of these traits make you hilarious, beautiful, sexy, and different. Celebrate your flaws and your singlehood!
And make out with multiple people and don’t feel terribly about it. And eat all the chips and guac you desire with zero guilt!  Pop the champagne!

 

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Timothy Ferriss’s The 4-Hour Mommy Week Book

Tim Ferriss 4 hour mommy week

List Price: $28.00 Eligible for Super Duper Save Me Shipping

About the Author:

Timothy Ferriss, called “The Superman of Silicon Valley” is author of  “The 4-Hour Body“, the #1 New York Times best seller “The 4-Hour Workweek.” as well as the newly released “The 4-Hour Chef.” Now Timothy has broken down lifestyle barriers for his mommy readers with his newest book release – “The 4-Hour Mommy Week.”

Description:

Kids, kids, kids.  All day, every day, right? Being a mom doesn’t have to be a 24/7 soul-crushing grind. Do you really need to spend hours on end cradling babies or tiger-momming your tweens?  That sort of outmoded helicopter parenting only leads to a downward spiral of juvenile detention, herpes and an obsession with Maroon Five. It doesn’t have to be that way.

And that’s why Timothey Ferriss wrote “The 4-Hour Mommy Week.”

Excerpt:

What’s the secret to being the best mom you can be? Surprisingly, it’s by spending less time with your children.  How do you do that without being brought up on charges?  It’s incredibly easy! Everyone’s a great parent to a kid they never see! [Read more...]