I Am A Woman ~ Hayley Kosan

iamawoman_screenshot

We asked a group of women to help us record this important message by women, for women, about what it means to be a woman today.

 

Hayley Kosan is a writer, actor, and director currently living in Brooklyn, NY. You can learn more from her blog and  follow her on Twitter.

Halloween Hoodrat HO Feat. Leah McKendrick

slutty halloween costume

It’s Halloween and the sluts walk the earth… P.S. We actually love sluts.

http://leahmckendrick.com

The Tampon Virgin – Kate Chamuris

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Remember your first time? Using a tampon, I mean! In this video by Kate Chamuris (featuring Chamuris with Ruby Marez and Hannah Chase), there is some serious girl-talk about losing one’s…tampon virginity, which, by the way, is a totally taboo subject. Find out what the first time was like. It’s hilarious, and will definitely bring you back to that fateful day…

http://www.katechamuris.com/

 

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

vajayawn

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:

 

Climacteric

Wymmin

Whynnnin

‘Ncryin

NoLubridownthere

Vajayawn

Es-tro-gone

Progestergroany

Chinhair

Crone

Sisterwife

Grandma Moses

Throwthetoasteroutthewindow

Defenestration [Read more...]

The Reverse Gift Guide: 7 Gifts Guys Will Get You…And What They Mean


Around this time of year, I fantasize about this question: if I had a boyfriend, what would I get him for Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Secular Seasonality For The Hipster Atheist I’d Probably Date? Because, you know, I’m a giving person! I like to be generous and buy people things. To that end, I certainly like receiving things, and I’m sure all of you funny women enjoy holiday materialism as well. So I also spend time fantasizing about what my imaginary boyfriend would get me, and to that end, I’ve come up with the Reverse Gift Guide. You know how EVERY magazine tells you “what to get for your boyfriend?” I’m here to tell you how to decode what your boyfriend got you. If you’re single, you can use this to understand all of the relationships that surround you and nauseate you at this time of year. Granted, these are my interpretations…but you should trust me on these.

 

1. A hand drawn card

AH! I love hand drawn cards! Especially ones in pencil that look like they took forever to draw. Home made gifts show that he took extra time out of his day for you. Some women may judge this and say, “ah, he must be broke because there’s no gift inside,” but the truth is that money isn’t really the thing in question here – it’s what did he draw? Did he draw a generic picture of two people ice skating? Because that means he’s a seven year old girl. Is it a poorly drawn portrait of you in which you resemble a deformed animal? That’s not exemplar of his drawing skills, it’s representative of how you look to him. Analyze that picture, ladies. This is how I discovered that I actually looked like an eight year old Jewish anime character with an enormous head and no boobs. Why are my eyes X’s?

You should also know that men who draw cards believe that they are artists, and they want you to know that without telling you. A hand drawn card is a quiet plea for you to say, “wow, why are you a banker? You should have gone to art school! Let’s go tot the MOMA, babe. Quit your job! I’ll support you.” Don’t say that.

 

2. A Starbucks gift card

This is a traditional gift to give in my family. Practical, convenient, and who doesn’t love an overpriced espresso beverage with exorbitant sugary syrups? The answer: NO ONE. Everyone can use a Starbucks card. That said, if your boyfriend gets you a Starbucks card, he wants to be on par with your family and be thought of as a sibling or a cousin, which is gross, or an indication that he’s just not that into you.  Or he’s into you, but $25 worth of lattes into you.

 

3. One of those creepy stuffed animals with a voice recording

He not only wants to be in your dreams, he wants to be in your nightmares. You KNOW these bears, right? The ones dressed like Football players or skiers? Cute, right? Then you squeeze it and it says in a deep, masculine voice, ” hey baby. I’d light all eight candles for you,” or “I think you’ve been particularly naughty this year…” maybe out of context this is hot, but when I’m falling asleep, I don’t want a bear telling me he’s hot for me.  Do you? These bear gifts are just the predecessors to Raped By Bear nightmares. This shows a lack of sensitivity. The only thing worse than a stuffed bear with a recorded voice would be a stuffed dolphin with a recorded voice, because dolphins have actually been scientifically proven to rape humans.
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4 Funny Female-Centric Web Series to Watch

One of the awesomest things about publishing FnS is that the funny often comes to me. We have recently had several web series sent in by show producers and publicists. Here are 4 of my favorites, I think you will like them, too.

words with girls series

Words With Girls

Brittani Nichols, the creator of Words With Girls submitted a comedy web series featuring herself and Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen fame.  This mostly scripted but part-improv comedy webseries focuses on 20-somethings in Los Angeles. When they’re not busy navigating “the scene” or jumpstarting their careers, these women do what the young, gifted and bored do best: shoot the shit.

Blogologues

Webisoder at Lively Productions, Elaine White,  submitted Blogologues. The series concept is performing material found on the internet. They just happened to have re-inacted one of my all-time favorite humor posts on the planet, It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf**kers from McSweeney’s. I hope they will pick a FnS post soon. I think Open Letter to The Creative Group would be fabulous (subtle hint). [Read more...]

3 Rooftop Comedy Chicks to Stalk – Natalie Wall

Carmen Lynch—

Just awarded first place at the She Devil Comedy Festival (which we happened to help sponsor), Carmen Lynch is on fiyah! And honestly, I’m at a loss for words to describe how fucking hilarious she is. So that’s all I can say. She’s fucking hilarious. And if you’ve never heard any of her stand-up, then change that. Immediately. Like, seriously. Right now. Google her. Click a link. Click the links below. You can thank me later.

Lynch has appeared on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend,” and the Aspen Comedy Festival.
Want even more Lynch in your life? I know, me too. Don’t stop now, go check out her personal website, http://www.carmenlynch.com/ and don’t forget to check out her profile over at Rooftop Comedy.– http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/comics/CarmenLynch

Mary Mack—

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Héléne Bouffant on Halloween Fashion

It is I, Héléne Bouffant, back with more fashion advice for the unwashed masses (that’s you). In today’s column, I shall attempt to get into the spirit of the season and talk about Halloween costumes. Personally, I don’t care for Halloween. Why on earth would you want to pretend to be anything other than the fashion-froward goddess that you are?  That is why every year, I go as myself. One Halloween, some horrible little child dressed as “the Spiderman” walked up to me and said, “What ARE you?!” To which I replied, “I am HÉLÉNE BOUFFANT! And you look TERRIBLE!” His parents were furious, but I bet he won’t dress that way again! And so another fashion disaster has been crushed in its infancy by Héléne Bouffant.

I did some searching around the internet for Halloween costumes for women, and I must say, I was absolutely OVERWHELMED by the number of career options for women that were represented in costume! Those who think the fight for ladies’ rights is dead had better take a second look! Why, for Halloween women can be anything! Here are just a few of the ensembles I found in the “Women’s Career Costumes” section of various websites.

 

Police officer

Sexy Police Officer Costume
I’ve never heard of this town, “Busted.” Must be outside of the Hamptons.

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Slutty but Funny Love – Funny Musician Linda Roy


Linda Roy, I am in love with you. God dammit, you’re great. Your ability to embody the mannerisms and quirks of these famous singers is breathtaking and borderline genius. You had me pissing my pants from laughter in your original rendition of Lana Del Ray’s, “Video Games.” Did Lana give up sushi to give birth to her children? No, no she did not. That bitch.

Pairing classic and catchy tunes with hilarious lyrics about your children/fast food/your vagina, well let’s get real here, you found your niche, lady. Like I said, I officially fell in love with you, and I’m pretty sure so will all the Funny not Slutties of the world.
Oh, and can I make one request? Can you write a song about condiments (specifically Hellman’s mayo) and mix it with Kesha’s song, “Blow,” for me? I have a feeling you could rock out a pretty epic love ballad about my baby, Hellman. http://www.modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
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Reformed Whores are the Smothers Brothers, if…

reformed-whores

Reformed Whores are the Smothers Brothers, if the Smothers Brothers lived post Bush presidency / Rush Limbaugh / Westboro Baptist era, and had vajay-jays.

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