God is blazing a technological trail into the 21st Century.
And how is the all knowing Creator doing it?
He’s running a dating site.
God is the ultimate wing man. He’s the Heavenly Host with the most, the Almighty matchmaker. Because frankly, he’s tired of watching us mortals fuck it up. He’s seen the reality dating shows and decided it’d be a sin not to throw his two cents into the collective basket.
If you want something done right, do it Yourself.
People aren’t exactly flocking to church these days and He needs to increase his fan base. What better way than through the Otherworldly Wide Web.
Besides, now you don’t need background checks. It’s nicely packaged as “mingling”. Suggests a level of purity.
I like that. There’s enough tawdry shit on the interwebs. Never mind that He’s got zero dating experience. It’s not like He’s going to hook you up with that schlub from Accounting who’s got the crusty Hustler collection stashed in the hall closet. Plus, you’ll always have a Sunday morning brunch companion.
Not only that, but if you’re an aspiring actor or model, He’s got a website for that too! Wanna “shine for Christ in the entertainment industry”? Of course you do and God wants to be your agent. Oh…and sorry, I know becoming a Christian is automatic, but you might have to audition for this.
As for dating, it probably feels like you’ve spent 40 days and 40 nights flooded with the uncertainty of your romantic future. But fear not single Christian. On God’s dating site it’s raining men.
Hallelujah.
Single Christian
Music by Night Ranger
Lyrics by Linda Roy
Single Christian, oh the time has come
God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say
“Let’s Pray”
You’re ownin’ it
Trust your plight to Christ
He’ll find your Mr. Right
He runs a dating site
You’re smolderin’
It’s not like you’re Sasquatch
You’ll find God’s perfect match
The fish you’ll loaf to catch
Single Christian, oh the time has come
God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say
“Let’s pray”
‘Cause you’re smolderin’
Yeah, smolderin’
Linda Roy
Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.
After visiting the Anne Frank Museum, where Anne lived in hiding for two years with her family during the Holocaust, Justin Bieber signed the guest book “Hopefully Anne Frank would have been a belieber”. Wow, Justin, how humble of you! Glad to know you ‘got something’ from your time in Frank’s secret annex and somehow made it all about yourself. What he probably didn’t count on was Anne Frank having a YouTube account and putting it to good use by (sweetly) laying the smack down on the 19 year old dooface. Comedian, Jenn Dodd, plays a young Anne Frank.
Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit 
Slutty but Funny
The internets have done it again, gentleladies! And by the internets I mean, Sheetal Sheth, Michelle Krusiec and Lynn Chen along with writer Christine Kwon have combined forces to create what quite possibly might be the next new web-series addiction. Join the NICE GIRL CREW as they embark on the dreaded hell of a book club…amongst friends. Where we learn very quickly that discussing literature with your childhood bffffffff’s ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. But it’s damn effin’ hilarious to watch!
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