No car insurance? Oh well. No food money?  As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation?  We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE.

Let us, friends, discuss a poor girl’s take on makeup….

I’ll start right at the beginning.  I wake up and probably have some makeup on from the previous day, creased, caked, and smudgy, my eyes an especially gross event that requires vicious rubbing and picking while I figure out who has to go to the bathroom more urgently, myself or the dog.  The dog statistically has a 85 percent chance of establishing importance in this decision, and I end up immediately regretting it as my urgency goes up by 15 points after stepping out into the ever chilly morning (err noonish) air.

Once the pup has had all his needs taken care of (outside, breakfast, sufficient amount of morning recognition in the form of various pets) I step into the bathroom to do step 1 of my morning stuff.  Step 1 is wash face.  Washing face is essential since my face is covered in previously mentioned leftover makeup as well as drool no doubt.  I want to point out that the face washing situation is very simple. I do not have toner, I don’t have a special wash for certain days or situations, and I don’t have a special sponge, wipe or towel.  I have face wash, the same face wash the boyfriend uses, with little beads of something in it , and the word” Morning” on it in yellow or bright blue.  I use a very small amount, not to conserve as you would assume but because it dries my face out too much as I’m older and my skin is not as greasy and I should have put lotion on it before I went to bed anyway, BUT a poor girl cannot afford face lotion for night and day, that’s like a $9 an hour job luxury.

So my face is washed and I have rubbed my day lotion (which is the one that always wins out because I 1) give less of a shit at night   2) DO NOT WANT WRINKLES, SPF that stuff! 3) I need to look good during the day, not before bed duh.   I put it on my neck as well; I’m pretty terrified of neck wrinkles.  SO now what? I’m almost to the makeup but first I have to spend about 5 years plucking out thick black undesirables with a shitty old, dull tweezers, of which I have a couple and I try them each and realize every fricken day that ALL of them can’t pluck a single hair and I end up throwing them on the ground (because that is apparently how I let future me know things are not good anymore) only to pick them up the next day because they are the only tweezers I have and the hair has got to go.  Oh yeah, also I was not exaggerating when I wrote “next day” because I have to go through this struggle literally every day for the last fifteen years because the hair on my face is a fuck’n jerk.  Thus I begin to pluck. I pluck my chin, upper lip, unibrow (straight down to the middle), and strays on my neck. Once the process that can be best described as never done just acceptable according to time constraints combined with how much I give a fuck on that day I grab the first makeup item…..

To be continued in Part 2.

Mirra Laes is an unemployed recent college graduate who lives in the frozen tundra, aka land of ice and snow, aka Green Bay, WI.  Favorite activities include drunkenly tricking people into listening to her play Tom Petty covers and baking homemade dog treats plastered.  Commonly found doing the dishes while listening to Louie CK Pandora station and being festive on holidays.  She enjoys writing about the twilight zone that is everyday life.

The post Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes appeared first on FunnynotSlutty.

God is blazing a technological trail into the 21st Century.

And how is the all knowing Creator doing it?

He’s running a dating site.

God is the ultimate wing man.  He’s the Heavenly Host with the most, the Almighty matchmaker. Because frankly, he’s tired of watching us mortals fuck it up. He’s seen the reality dating shows and decided it’d be a sin not to throw his two cents into the collective basket.

If you want something done right, do it Yourself.

People aren’t exactly flocking to church these days and He needs to increase his fan base. What better way than through the Otherworldly Wide Web.

Besides, now you don’t need background checks.  It’s nicely packaged as “mingling”. Suggests a level of purity.

I like that. There’s enough tawdry shit on the interwebs. Never mind that He’s got zero dating experience. It’s not like He’s going to hook you up with that schlub from Accounting who’s got the crusty Hustler collection stashed in the hall closet.  Plus, you’ll always have a Sunday morning brunch companion.

Not only that, but if you’re an aspiring actor or model, He’s got a website for that too! Wanna “shine for Christ in the entertainment industry”? Of course you do and God wants to be your agent. Oh…and sorry, I know becoming a Christian is automatic, but you might have to audition for this.

As for dating, it probably feels like you’ve spent 40 days and 40 nights flooded with the uncertainty of your romantic future. But fear not single Christian. On God’s dating site it’s raining men.

Hallelujah.

Single Christian

Music by Night Ranger
Lyrics by Linda Roy

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s Pray”

You’re ownin’ it

Trust your plight to Christ

He’ll find your Mr. Right

He runs a dating site

You’re smolderin’

It’s not like you’re Sasquatch

You’ll find God’s perfect match

The fish you’ll loaf to catch

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s pray”

‘Cause you’re smolderin’

Yeah, smolderin’

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

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Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Spark – http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Log – http://thelouiselog.com

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

The post “The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3 appeared first on FunnynotSlutty.

Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which…

2. Accessorize at big box stores, but that’s it. Ah the allure of Forever 21, that slinky minx with her sparkly tops and floral dresses. She seduces you with the $11.99 price tags even though you know it will shrink/fade/disintegrate upon the first wash. Those clothes are too cheap to be economical. The accessories, however, are more likely to last, or least be easier to glue back together. Enjoy the cheap purses, earrings and sunglasses and don’t waste your time with the rest.

3. Purge. You’re not doing yourself any favors by holding onto your torn, pit stained and shrunken clothes. Donate stuff that’s still wearable and toss the rest. Sure, you will have less options but you’ll look less more presentable.

4. Force Yourself to Mix & Match. No matter how adventurous a dresser you are, you probably pair the same pieces together again and again. Challenge yourself to come up with new configurations.  It’s actually really fun. Like fashion Tetris.

5. Student Haircut. The Aveda Institiute, Paul Mitchell Academy etc. offer low rates on cuts and colors with their students. In New York, you can pay $30 for a cut and blow out. It’s risky because the stylists are inexperienced, but compared to your shaky attempts to give yourself a trim, they’re geniuses.

6. Buffalo Exchange. Bring in your unwanted clothes and trade for cash or store credit. Most major cities have one or its equivalent. However, they seem to be getting pickier (and snider) all the time. Even if they reject you, ahem, your clothes, stick around and browse—their selection is the perfect combination of trendy, vintage and costume.

7. Use Internet Ads To Your Advantage. By now you know advertisers monitor everything you do online in order to tailor fit the ads you see. Evil corporations, right? No! Well, yes, but you can put those greedy bastards to work for you. Put items into your shopping cart and abandon them there. By the next day, you will be barraged with ads for those items at sale prices, guaranteed.

Freshen yourself up. You won’t look like a million bucks. How could you? You only spent $65. But you will have a few new, and better, options. Enjoy.

Ginny Leise grew up in Jersey, earned a delightfully useless degree in Colorado and currently resides in Brooklyn. She spends her days writing, filming sketch videos with ThreeGForce and improvising at PIT. Oh, and rewatching episodes of 30 Rock.

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After visiting the Anne Frank Museum, where Anne lived in hiding for two years with her family during the Holocaust, Justin Bieber signed the guest book “Hopefully Anne Frank would have been a belieber”. Wow, Justin, how humble of you! Glad to know you ‘got something’ from your time in Frank’s secret annex and somehow made it all about yourself. What he probably didn’t count on was Anne Frank having a YouTube account and putting it to good use by (sweetly) laying the smack down on the 19 year old dooface. Comedian, Jenn Dodd, plays a young Anne Frank.

Jenn Dodd

Jenn Dodd is a New York based character actress and comedian who loves to poke fun at mankind’s collective social awkwardness. Her character work focuses primarily on the wonderfully bizarre nature of every day people.

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The funny ladies
age much better than the sluts
and get less TDs.

Dress code addendum:
extra coats of mascara
do not count as clothes.

It is nice weather
but not wifebeater weather,
Mom in spike heel boots.

Women of the burbs:
If it’s sold with underthings
wear it under things.

Consider cleavage
before showing up at school.
So, is this enough?

Peyton Price is the author of the petty and poignant Suburban Haiku Series. You can find her (always appropriately dressed) on Twitter – @suburbanhaiku, Facebook – /suburbanhaikubooks, and suburbanhaiku.com.

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There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

The post K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter appeared first on FunnynotSlutty.

Remember your first time? Using a tampon, I mean! In this video by Kate Chamuris (featuring Chamuris with Ruby Marez and Hannah Chase), there is some serious girl-talk about losing one’s…tampon virginity, which, by the way, is a totally taboo subject. Find out what the first time was like. It’s hilarious, and will definitely bring you back to that fateful day…

http://www.katechamuris.com/

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

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Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

3. Japanese-inspired clothing

Or as the Japanese call it, “clothing.” I have, of course, been to Japan many times, and have to say that it is sad how few of the Japanese people follow the clothing trends that we in fashion set out for them. Where are the dragon prints?! Where are the women with those odd little sticks in their hair?! I mean really, Japan. Make an effort. If they only knew how to dress in true Japanese style, as demonstrated with this cargo kimono, above. It will be perfect for an afternoon spent perfecting the ancient Japanese art of flower arranging, but in the jungle.
4. Oversized ruffles

Oh Jesus Mary and Dior, do I love ruffles! And Spring 2013 will allow me to indulge my love with the largest ruffles I can find! Look, you can put them anywhere: across the neck, on one arm, or in your armpit. It is magnificent. I am on the hunt for a large ruffle that goes all the way up my back like an iguana, to protect me from predators.
5. Patchwork animal prints

I adore this look! It’s like a snake mated with a cheetah. WAIT! Héléne Bouffant has an idea. I shall start a breeding farm where I will create my own patchwork animals. It will be exotic and dangerous, with just a hint of salmonella. PATCHWORK! MUTANTS! FASHION!
6. Short suit

I must start by acknowledging that the suit pictured above is by my nemesis, Michael Kors. So obviously, I cannot recommend that particular shirt suit unless you have re-worked your prison uniform and are planning to escape disguised as an editorial assistant at Elle. But the idea of the short suit is wonderful! It says, “I mean business, but I am also carefree and youthful. And check out these gams!”
7. Sheer panels

YES. I love sheerness. This particular look would be perfect for a spring wedding. It is romantic and on trend, yet still provides privacy for your nipples, collarbone, and certain strips of thigh. It also gives a faintly gauzy look to your personal area, which at my age really is its best light.
8. Leather

This, however, is my favorite look for spring. Alexander Wang has taken the trend of “leather” and added a helmet. He has also added ventilation, which is genius considering that spring weather can be unpredictable and you may want your boots to breathe. This outfit shows that you are a no nonsense kind of woman, whether at work or at play. Imagine picking up your preschooler with a firm, “I AM HERE FOR BRONWYN,” and then heading to the park for a game of laser tag. Héléne Bouffant says YES!
Enjoy your April, my overstuffed pill boxes! And don’t forget your helmet!

Héléne

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

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In the movies and on television, fat girls have it pretty bad. Frankly, fat girls are fucked. End of story. I personally have died twice, as a poor, stupid, sad, fat girl.

The first time I died, it was because my boyfriend was in the Al Qaeda. He was using me to get some kind of Al Qaeda shenanigans going. I had met him on the internet, in an “I like fat chicks” website that my fat friend and I trolled. He thought I discovered his plot and had me killed. The killer was a handsome stranger who flirted with me in a liquor store, whom I followed and, presumably gave a blowjob to in hopes of true love (because that’s what fat girls do), but was strangled and left in a boiler room in Brooklyn instead.

The second time I died, Cuba Gooding, Jr. found me at my job at an elementary school, and he charmed me into meeting him later for dinner by jump starting my car and flashing a toothy grin. He comes to pick me up at my apartment and my roommate tells him that I got freaked out, thinking I wasn’t attractive enough for him and I went off unaccompanied. So, I’m all alone in the bar, looking sad, when the dashing Neil McDonaugh (a time-traveling murderer) sidles up and begins a friendly conversation. I welcome that, because I hardly ever get attention paid to me. I go to the bathroom, Neil follows me, Cuba gets there too late and I get eviscerated. I’m serious. I had a big “Y” cut into my chest. I looked like a bullfrog, in a nice dress, who wandered into a science class.

This wasn’t real-life, of course, but two acting jobs I had. I have noticed that this happens with most movies and TV shows: fat girl ends up with not-fat guy because he is using her or she is so desperate that she doesn’t realize he is a serial killer/rapist/puppy eater. Most of these characters are flattered and flustered when a white, physically fit, non-UPS driver pays them any mind. It’s like they’re looking at a work of art that they can never afford. And who would sell it to them, anyway?

Mostly, I get stuck as the 911 operator, patrol-car cop or EMT. You know, the sit down jobs. We can’t run, you know. That’s why you never see us on “The Walking Dead”, we done got ate. Once, I was cast as a lawyer who was not described as “heavyset” in the breakdown. I was just a normal, money hungry, ambulance-chasing attorney representing a killer. It felt progressive. Then, a few years later, I’m in Baton Rouge, getting dissected by a handsome actor.

The poor, stupid, fat girl doesn’t dare date or flirt with someone who is above her station in the looks department. Case in point: an episode of Criminal Minds where Garcia, the plump, shut-in computer genius (who sits), gets a date with an incredibly hot guy. First of all, she can’t believe it! It’s insane! What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Well, a lot, actually, because he shoots her in the head. He wanted her out of the way so he wouldn’t get figured out as the bad guy. No-ho-ho-ho-ho… the hot guy did not want to sleep with, or even really get to know, the clueless chubbette. He wanted to shoot her in the head. I don’t know how else to emphasize this: the only reason she got a date with a beautiful man is because he wanted her dead.

I once saw and episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent where the fat girl got duped by her boyfriend, Frank Whaley, and was devastated. At the end, he was saying how beneath him she was because she was fat. She was desperately clinging to a relationship with Frank Whaley?!!? Google him. Even a whale, an ugly whale, covered in barnacles and kelp, could do better than Frank Whaley. George Clooney, he is not. Great actor, but not gonna appear in an “Ocean’s Whatever” movie anytime soon. Yet here was this cute-as-a-button, overweight girl protecting him, defending him… because it is so hard for us to find love. Thankfully, she didn’t die, but I’m sure a later scene would have shown her eating raw cookie dough and crying on the couch.

It’s not just the dramas that want us to suffer: I recently watched a repeat of American Dad where Steve gets a girlfriend… who is fat. His dad, Stan, hates her. He even places a gun on the dining table in front of her and encourages her to kill herself. That’s pretty much the joke. I know, I know, it’s supposed to reflect badly on Stan. Ha ha ha. Fat girls shouldn’t love. Anyone. There’s a Family Guy episode where Quagmire’s date is fat. He hates her. What an asshole. She dies. Thank God. Ha ha ha. Fat girls shouldn’t live. They should just die. Sometimes, it feels like there’s a part of the country that would like to see us all shot. From Fashion Police to Love, Actually, the fat girl is the booby prize, the joke, and always oh-so-eager to please any man who comes through the door. But the likes of Evan Handler (Californication) and Kevin Spacey (House of Cards) are apparently a catch for young, nubile girls to land in bed. Personally, I wouldn’t fuck Evan Hander with Kevin Spacey’s dick.

The media are showing what and whom men need to avoid. It’s not the girl with a scar, because look at her tits! She’s a butter face. It’s not the crazy, younger, suicidal bitch, because her thighs don’t touch. Yeah, she’s nuts, but she’s gorgeous! The older woman who has a face to rival Mickey Rooney on a bender? Her bod is banging, dude! But the fat girl, don’t do it, son. Or, if you do, if you have to, do it because all the hot girls are taken, she’s the last one left at the party and you’ve got no other choice. “Take one for the team,” scream your friends, “Do her a favor!”

A size over 10 and they’re Quasimodo.

The exception, it seems, is the beautiful Melissa McCarthy. Granted, her “Mike” on “Mike and Molly” matches her in size, but not so much in looks. If anything, the show tries to give the impression that she scored bigger than he did, no pun intended. Fat girls everywhere rejoiced as she won an Emmy; was even nominated for an Oscar for Bridesmaids. In Bridesmaids, Melissa McCarthy gets a guy; a smaller guy (McCarthy’s husband in real life)! She ends up with a cute guy and she doesn’t have to be simpering or pathetic! Hallelujah! But stay for the credits and you see her making a sex tape that involves… wait for it… a six -foot sandwich. I was truly upset at how quickly she went from being a hero to eating one.

Two steps forward, one waddling back. How does this cycle end? Do we stop accepting roles in protest? Do we insist on auditioning for “regular size” roles and hope casting agents can get past the fat? Do we boycott Joan Rivers, Seth McFarlane, and Dick Wolf? Maybe the answer is to create our own movies and television shows. There are plenty of talented and creative plus-sized writers and actresses, after all. Maybe we create a scenario where the fat girl gets the guy; not just any guy, but Channing Tatum or Bradley Cooper, based on her confidence, intelligence and beauty. Yes, beauty.

Or maybe we should just start with the basics: roll out our handsome and fit boyfriends and husbands proudly, proving to the world that we are happy, normal, human beings who are just as wanted and needed as the hot girl who happens to be an axe murderer.

Adrianne Frost is a professional actress and writer who lives in New York, NY.  She has appeared on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Late Night With Conan O’Brien, all of the Law and Order’s and was a panelist on VH-1’s Best Week Ever for three years.  She was carved up by Neil McDonough in “Ticking Clock”.  Most recently, she was recurring on Showtime’s Nurse Jackie as an EMT.  Her latest project is “The Early Works Series”, which takes a humorous look at famous artists’ earliest childhood works.  http://earlyworksseries.tumblr.com/

Her humor book, I Hate Other People’s Kids, was published by Simon and Schuster in 2006.  Adrianne’s writing has appeared in the anthologies The 2004 Signet Book of American Humor (Signet) and Rejected: Tales of The Failed, Dumped and Cancelled (Villard). She has written for www.askejean.com’s “Dope Astrology” and www.newsmakeup.com.

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