God Bless American Hamburgers, Finger Food Edition

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

We excitedly opened our invitation to a friend’s annual July 4th cookout. At the bottom, in fine print, was her new jacked-up plan: We won’t be grilling out; bring finger food to share. What? It’s the fourth of July. No grilled food? When the hell…did the French take over?

I called her and told her that here behind the Iron Curtain, we had burgers for the Fourth of July. It was the American symbol of liberty and overindulgence. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rush Limbaugh wrote it into the Patriot Act. She giggled and said they were going for a more sophisticated menu. I slammed the phone down on her ear. We contemplated not going to such a high-brow, frou-frou event; but that would mean I’d have to cook an entire meal. Instead, I decided to make some finger burgers to share. One way or another, we were going to have burgers for Independence Day. God Bless America and American hamburgers!

1 ½ lbs ground beef, that’s the stuff burgers are made of. I’m sure the hostess would have preferred organic, free-range beef, but I just bought what was on sale at Hellmart – it’s the American way.

8 oz Velveeta, I’m not even sure it’s any kind of cheese, much less actual food, but damn! It’s good stuff!

2 T ketchup or catsup or BBQ sauce if you wanna go all fancy-schmancy

1 T mustard, just the yellow stuff

½ T garlic powder, you could mince a clove, but let’s not get carried away here.

salt, pepper, however much you want – it’s your burger and you are FREE to flavor it as your wish. Thank you, George Washington for our freedom to pursue flavor.

½ onion, minced finely, or not finely – it’s a free country! [Read more...]