How To Tell If You’re An Asshole: American Idol Version

badcowboyperspectiveHollywood Week is my favorite part of Idol, because the sleep-deprived, mostly deluded big fish from teeny tiny ponds across the nation all get dumped into one tank.  There is a lot of fish-on-fish violence, smack talk, ugly criers, mega divas of both genders.  That’s all a given.  But this year we also had ambulances, fainting and the classy, show-must-go-on-even-if-I-vomit moxie that lead one young woman to sing with a giant CLEAR (why clear, lord, why?) garbage bag in her lap.  Which she uses to cack on camera.

That reminds me: Best Contestant Name: Deondre Brackensick [Read more...]

I’m Watching American Idol, So You Don’t Have To

I’m K A B L O O E Y and I’m watching Americal Idol so you don’t have to.

Funny not Slutty

Jane Carrey: the spawn of celebri-dad Jim Carrey was self-deprecating and sang kind of nicely.  

Slutty not Funny

I hadn’t written her name down, so I Googled “San Diego American Idol butt cheek girl” and lo: Amanda Diley.  You know Mr. and Mrs. Diley are so proud.  (Edited so as not to show half her ass, unlike the Idol editors.)

After the first week of auditions, here are some more lowlights from American Idol:

Erika “Crazy Eyes” Nowak:  If you are already one beer short of a six-pack and have close-set non-blinking blue eyes, you might want to lay off outlining them in black kohl.  Unless you’re trying to look like Tanya Harding.  

The Up Close and Personal Sob Story Quartet: [Read more...]