The Anti-Mommy: Child Climbs on Things Like a Monkey

funny messy girl

Amy Vansant is The Anti-Mommy. Writer, blogger (http://www.kidfreeliving.com/), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. Amy is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.

 
It is bad enough when a child is sitting still and quiet, staring beady little eyes full of recrimination through your soul because you refused to play a 16th game of CandyLand. The idea that they are actually freely moving about the house is like some sort of horror movie where every time you turn your head you catch a glimpse of some unholy terror scrambling under a bed out of view. Then you must creep around the house, dread filling the pit of your belly, knowing eventually it will it crawl back out.The other day, my brother had his bundle of joy climb to the top of a closet, find a bottle of green food coloring, and spill the entire contents to the carpet. Never mind that there were maybe three things in the house that would make a horrible and permanent mess, and somehow my darling niece managed to seek this one out at the top of a cabinet. That sort of super power in a child I don’t want to even think about.

funny carpet stain

Luckily, my brother had myself to turn to for advice.

“Brother,” I said, “use restraint.”

He assured me he had calmed down and had naturally not done anything harmful to his daughter.

“No, no, no!” I clarified.  “Not on yourself — I mean use restraint on the child. Just weight.”

At this point there came a long pause. Finally, my brother asked, “What am I waiting for?”

(Really, sometimes talking to him takes all of MY restraint.) I began to explain that the key to my brother’s monkey-child problem was weight.

He didn’t need to chain the child to a radiator like an animal!  That would be very poor advice, as very few people these days actually have radiators in their homes. What he needed to do was go to a nearby sports store and get himself some of those five pound ankle weights and secure them snugly to his daughter’s ankles. The additional weight would not only make climbing counters impossible, but greatly reduce her speed as she bounced about the house.  Naturally, as she grew larger, he would have to continue to up the weight.

The extra bonus to this technique, is that over time your child will develop unusually powerful legs. When you finally remove the weights at age 18, there is a good chance she may be so extraordinarily strong that  she can become some sort of professional sports star making millions of dollars, thereby ensuring you’ll be well taken care of in your old age.

You’ll thank me later,

The Anti-Mommy

Parenting Tips from The Anti-Mommy: Screaming Child in Restaurant

The Anti-Mommy

The Anti-Mommy

Amy Vansant is The Anti-Mommy. Writer, blogger (http://www.kidfreeliving.com/), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. Amy is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.

Problem: Child screaming and generally being loud in a restaurant.

Disclaimer- if you are having this problem in a Chuck E. Cheese or an establishment that advertises that they are “kid-friendly,” then please – let them scream away because I can guarantee you Anti-Mommy is nowhere in the vicinity. However, if you’ve selfishly smuggled your hybrid bundle of joy/fire siren into an typically adult establishment, here are some tips I think you’ll find useful.

The first thing that will come to mind is the last episode of M*A*S*H (no Hawkeye, that wasn’t a crying chicken she smothered to prevent enemy detection, you crazy bastard). But thanks to today’s stringent child-smothering laws, that probably won’t be your go-to move.

Next, scoop up the child and walk them out of the restaurant. Walk them directly to the car. Drive them directly home. Stay there. You are both grounded. You’re the one who decided to have a kid, now you never get to eat a peaceful meal in a restaurant again. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.

But wait! Would you like to be able to have the occasional beef Welly in peace?

Get yourself a dog shock collar.

No, no – of course I am not suggesting you use a dog shock collar on your child in the restaurant, silly! You use it at home. Just practice at your private residence, even on a relatively low wattage level, until darling little he or she understands that talking or screaming with the collar on is inadvisable at best. Then the next time you’re in a restaurant and the little angel starts to demand cake at the 1000 decibel level, you can just smile, lean in, stroke their velvet like hair and whisper sweetly in their ear: “Do you want the collar?”

That kid will shut up like a witness at a gang shooting, and you will look like a child rearing genius!

Just remember to let a sufficient time lapse between training and your first restaurant experience so the two little prong marks will have faded from the child’s neck. If your kid tries to spill the beans to horrified restaurant staff, it is a lot harder to laugh over his “wild imagination” when he’s got electrode prong marks on his neck.

You’ll thank me later,

Anti-Mommy