5 -Year Olds Just Don’t Get the 80s.

What I think when I see the video for Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go: “Oh, remember that time I found 50 bucks in a mall bathroom and spent it all on George Michael posters at Spencer’s? And remember when this song played at the junior high dance and Brent Berry asked me to dance but I said no because I’d worked so hard to get my bangs just tall enough and didn’t want to mess them up? And remember those red parachute pants I tricked my grandma into buying for me? And then I wore them to the Michael Jackson Victory tour? With that shirt, the one with all the zippers and shoulder pads the size of my head? And remember tanning in the backyard? With my little pink boom box playing this? While I greased myself up with baby oil? Totally awesome. Those days were so rad.”

Here’s what my five-year old thinks when he sees the same video: “Are those the kind of special people I’m not supposed to stare at?”

A few more random observations from the astute 5-year old in the family:

1. Come on Eileen, Dexy’s Midnight Runners

“Those people all look like they’re in a jug band, or maybe they live on a prairie or something.”

2. You Might Think, The Cars

“I really like that guy that follows that lady everywhere. I bet when he takes off his sunglasses he’s a zombie. I feel like he’s gonna be watching me next time I take a bath.”

3. Karma Chameleon, Culture Club

(confused) “What the HECK??!!??!” [Read more...]

Saturday Morning Bliss – 80s Cartoons

by Lakia Ross

I was, perhaps, one of the first generations of kids that had the TV as a part-time babysitter. There was no time more special — for me or my family — than Saturday mornings, where I could eat pancakes and watch 4-5 hours of cartoons, and the fam could actually get things done: like sleeping, grocery shopping, and or “just enjoy peace and quiet for one got-durn minute”….

Here are the 10 cartoons from the 80s that helped create the nerd I am today (in semi-chronological order):

Bugs Bunny

Technically a product of the 40s and 50s, Looney Tunes was still going strong in the Saturday AM throughout the 80s. It was hard to choose my favorite episode: (Water, Water Every Hare, The Rabbit of Seville, Long-Haired Hare, Rabbit Fire) but, in the end, I went with What’s Opera, Doc?….Sexy Viking Bugs on that glorious, undulating fat horse…pure Chuck Jones animation GOLD!

When I win the lotto, I am making the Bugs Bunny Network. All classic Warner Bros, all the time. Cartoon Network can suck it…

 

BlackStar

Scifi turned fantasy? I am soooo THERE!!! “Hi I’m John Blackstar… Did I mention I’m John Blackstar? Anyway, I am John Blackstar…” Seriously they mention that like nine times in the intro. I think space travel has fried his frontal lobe.

 

The Smurfs

LA LA LA LAH LA LA, LAAAH LA LA LUH LAH! What parents didn’t go stark-raving insane from hearing that smurfy theme song over and over and over. I even had a Smurfette birthday cake for my 6th or 7th bday. Did anyone else have this game on the Colecovision? Now those were some controllers…. [Read more...]

Jump! – Abby Heugel

I’ll set the scene.

The four-foot long windowsill in the spare bedroom of my childhood house.

Me, in all my six-year-old crimped hair glory, dressed in a “Get In Shape Girl” leotard complete with leg warmers, bangle bracelets and my own personal touch—two foam balls shoved into my shirt to emulate cleavage, a practice I may or may not still employ today.

“I know you like what you see.”

An enormously bulky boom box was situated in the corner. After visualizing my upcoming performance, I would adjust my jelly sandals and run to it, hitting “play” before quickly sprinting back to the stage mark on the windowsill before the music started.

“And if you want more, if you want more, more, more, more.” [Read more...]

Ten Totally Rad Weekend Plans for the 80s

10. Lift some Pop Rocks from the local 7-11 store when you buy your can of NEW Coke then drink the NEW Coke with a mouth full of Pop Rocks to see if you really do explode.

9. Take your boom box and Cassingle of “Footloose” out to the country and dance just like Ren McCormick until the Cassingle breaks.

8. Using your now-broken Cassingle tape of “Footloose” string the tapearound the nearest car just like Danny Zucko in “Greased Lightening”.

7. Dial 867-5309 over and over and over and ask for Jenny.

6. Buy brand new neon-colored sweat shirts three sizes too big and cut the arms, necks and waist of each and every one of them. Layer the sweatshirts over biker shorts and a miniskirt and wear them to the arcade. Attempt to beat Ms. Pacman’s high score, which was achieved by someone with the initials “A S S”. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – 1980s Edition

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.

 

I see that leggings are back in style – 

Everyone

 
Dear Everyone, [Read more...]

80s High – Kimberly McBride

“I love interpreting the eighties via video because the eighties was video and it was a very nuevo riche time.  Easily compared to the roaring twenties; the twenties had Gatsby, the eightes had Gekko.
John Hughes really loved using the whole, “other side of the tracks,” concept to show this desire, this need for money, this Reagan freak show of teens…all they ever talked about in his movies was what side of the tracks a person came from, it was hilarious to me.  And James Spader really drove the concept home, in my opinion…” [Read more...]

The Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee

I wish I could tell you that throughout my life, I have made only wise, non impulsive, emotionally free decisions.

Ha!

There have been decisions made where I had no other choice, where life decided them for me, or where I did the best I could do at that time.

And there have been the decisions where, having made them, we can call ourselves graduates in the school of hard knocks: Lessons Learned The Hard Way 101.

Nothing brings these technicolor flashes of memory of some of the things I’ve done to the forefront of my mind, quicker than a blast from the past song on the radio.

While driving from one place to the next one day, with my three children in the car, the radio on good and loud in celebration of summer, Funky Cold Medina snuck on and slapped me between the ears like a wet fish.

I had to stifle my laughter as that awesome three beat intro began. I did not want my three baby boys in the car to ask, “Mom? What’s so funny?”

Because then I’d have to tell them the story of when I decided to try and get the The Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee, to like me. [Read more...]

80’s Family Sitcoms: A Hierarchy


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Everything I Know about the 1980s

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the best person to describe the historical significance of an event is someone who was not alive at the time and has very little knowledge of details or cultural context. Just like ABBA gave Napoleon’s most infamous battle an unimaginable level of grace and reverence in the song “Waterloo,” or how hipsters who wear feathered headdresses truly capture the essence of the victims of the Trail of Tears, or how I referenced the shit out of Jane Austen in the opening line of this article, people who were born years after a historical era or event are really the only ones with the proper perspective on that historical era or event. Which is why I, being born in 1992, am the obvious expert on the 1980s.

Firstly, the eighties were very famous for being the only period of history in which time travel was not only acceptable party conversation, but (probably) an actual thing. Now, whenever I try to talk about time travel at the many parties I go to because I’m very desirable and not uncomfortable at all in social situations and don’t ever seek out the apartment’s cat to sit with in the corner and tell concerned partygoers is my boyfriend trapped in an animal’s body, I usually get asked to leave. This wasn’t the case in the 1980s. There are two separate reports of excellent, adventurous teenage boys going to the future, and then to the past, and then, surprisingly, back to the future. Two! The closest thing my generation has to actual time travel was balloon boy, and that was a total bust. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Oh Cameron Crowe

All right ladies (and gentlemen), we need to stop blaming Disney for our ridiculous expectations about love. We need to blame the 80’s, specifically John Cusack.

Actually no, Cusack is just an actor, he had no power over what he was told to say. He was just lucky enough to have a sultry voice/gaze/drug addiction that could make any lady panties bunch up all in a twist.

We need to blame the asshole writers who wrote all those perfect fucking things for that perfect fucking man to say to say in those god damn perfect fucking romance movies, leaving all of us to expect every fucking guy in our lives meet such expectations and when they don’t. Shit. Hits. The. Fan. [Read more...]