Funniest Women on the Planet
“Do you look both ways before someone crosses your heart? Well, 80s pop sensation Donna Wilson Philips sure does! Here’s her hit song “Cross(walk) My Heart”!
Brought to you by I’ve Got Munchies and Hungry Productions LLC, featuring Sharon Jamilkowski, Jenn Dodd, Paige Fockler, Percy Lambert and Brantley Brice. Music and Lyrics by Jenn Dodd and Evan Cannon.
www.ivegotmunchies.com
A. Asymmetrical hair. The only haircut worse than the “business in front; party in back” mullet, the asymmetrical cut said “Do I know you from english class or lesbian softball team tryouts?” Was decidedly not a guy magnet.
B. Walkman headphones. Ubiquitous. Usually playing a heavy rotation of REM, Elvis Costello, Squeeze, Prince and Talking Heads albums, unless a tape jammed and was eaten by my Walkman, in which case they functioned as tiny earmuffs.
C. Crazy earrings. Loud, strange, “arty” ones that I thought expressed my “frustrated artist lost in a world of wannabe Gordon Gekkos” mentality. Mainly they just got caught on my Forenza sweaters or wapped me in the face on windy days.
D. Vintage men’s overcoat. My father was particularly troubled by the fact that his daughter intentionally dressed like a Lower East Side pickle salesman. I thought my look rocked.
E. Oversized cotton sweater from The Limited. I owned three of these shapeless ¾ sleeved, cheesesteak-fattened-ass coverers that I wore over a collection of leggings and zipper-legged pants from Reminiscence. Yeah, that was a slimming look.
F. Keffiya. The preferred neckwear of college students protesting the school’s investments in South Africa. Because if you’re looking for a fashion inspiration, you can’t do better than Yasser Arafat. My parents forbade me to wear it when visiting my grandfather, who swore he had ties to The Jewish Defense League. [Read more...]
Hello, and welcome to Back to the 80′s on Funny not Slutty. We have what I feel is the funniest week in the history of FnS, and that’s pretty funny. Look for original and classic 80s videos, 80s themed memes, blog posts and even a fab 80′s jukebox procured by our graphic designer, Lakia Ross.
Special thanks to Killy Dwyer, the Funny not Slutty Fairy, and her crew, Bill Chambers and Craig Schober for producing 3 vid promos.
The contributors who made this week happen are: [Read more...]
Jenn Dodd and Jennifer Bartels, former roommates and gigantic fans of the 80′s, created these “legends in their own mind” characters. Loni Markeet and Ritzy Feldman not only starred in several terrible 1980′s NBC Monday Night Movies, but also created their own exercise franchise complete with beauty tips. Here is one in a series of awkward, sweaty fitness videos on which they collaborated.
[Read more...]
I was three years old on August 1, 1981. That’s the day MTV launched with the first ever music video played on a channel devoted solely to music. There were VJs — the television equivalent of disc jockeys — and catch phrases like “I WANT MY MTV” and then the Video Music Awards in 1984. There was Billy Joel and Michael Jackson and Fleetwood Mac and Pat Benatar and The Pointer Sisters and The Bangles walking like Egyptians.
But isn’t that a whole lot of MUSIC, one might ask? How does that even begin to make sense for a channel called Music TV?
Oh right…never mind. [Read more...]
The 80s were about Norwegian pop bands, eye-scorching neon, jelly bracelets, sweaters with absurd graphics that my pediatricians wore, and iron-on unicorns, but for me it was about candy. There was this store I’ll call Trifles because that was its name, Trifles.
Trifles was a gift store, with mugs by Sandra Boynton and whatnot, if you were over 40 and looking for a gift for your secretary. If you were a kid, it was a tooth-rot paradise. The smell was jarred chocolate raspberry sauce, greeting card, and vile gummi worm. They’d sell alcoholic cordial candies to children, like me and my sister. The chocolate shell, the inner shell sugar, the inner inner shell, brandy, liquid, like the center of the earth. [Read more...]
I look back on the ‘80s with deep-seated nostalgia, remembering a childhood where my sister and I were all of the cartoon icons all at once. Where my sister was Jem (Jerrica too, that bitch), I was all of The Misfits. Where she was a Carebear, I was the Ninja Turtle that slayed her. Where she was a Little Pony, I was A Master of The Universe.
It’s kind of a bummer that these characters we loved so much ended when tying the side of your t-shirt was cool. With a little hard work and some really good casting, we could bring them back in the most totally radical way possible. Characters keep their integrity, and their now-grown fans are entertained: we need to re-cast reality shows with 1980’s cartoons. [Read more...]
Think the most righteous things from the 80’s are like totally gone forever? That’s bogus! Maybe the best parts of the decade that brought us Jenga and Finesse Shampoo are alive and well in the DNA of these 80’s babies.
Traci Foust
Traci Foust is the Author of the newly released book Nowhere Near Normal- a Memoir of OCD (Simon and Schuster/Gallery) acclaimed by National Public Radio, the San Diego Union Tribune and Marie Claire. Her work has appeared in several journals including The Nervous Breakdown and the Southern Review. She is currently working on her second book We’re Taking you to a Place Where you can Get Some Rest, A cautionary collection of essays on mixing Vicodin with Vodka and why dating your psychiatrist isn’t always the best way to get your own prescription pad.
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis
I was in, like, total desperate need of a miracle, for sure. I needed my breasts to be bitchin’ and now! Then, heaven sent a miracle to me in the form on John Hughes and his gnarly story of every almost-16 year old in the world. In 16 Candles, Samantha is fraught for her boobal region to expand so she eats carrots in the hopes of her budding bosom developing into big ol’ honkin’ hooters. Well, if Molly Ringwald did it, it must be legit.
I ate carrots like Ms. Pacman ate ghosts. As I’d devour a carrot in the lunchroom, the Preppies would all cheer and congratulate me. “Awesome to the Max!” they’d holler.
One weekend I went to a totally tubular party and watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the movie, Linda and Stacy are eating carrots in their lunchroom. Clearly, natural breast enhancement is universal. Then, Linda advises Stacy to just slide it in. Like, gag me. They’re practicing BJs! Those preps with their up-turned collars and their tight-rolled 504 button-flies weren’t congratulating me; they were laughing at me, duh!
I had to do something, like, totally radical to get my carrots. So, I made carrot cake cupcakes. I sat with the hosers in the school cafeteria. And I’m still a B cup. [Read more...]
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