Halloween Treats So Easy Even A Zombie Could Make Them

zombie fingers

Like the undead, most mothers stumble around the kitchen. Who has the life energy to stay up all night baking for the vampires’ (I mean kids’) school Halloween bake sales? Try these recipes. They are no-brainers.

The Pecan Boo!
To melted white chocolate, add a single pecan, orange food coloring…and leave it at that.

Trick or Treat or Whatever
Take a pretzel stick, tape black chenille pipe cleaner cat ears onto one end of it, if you really want to, which you really don’t, so just bring in the pretzel sticks.

Mini Pumpkin Pies
Purchase anything with the word “mini” and “pumpkin” and/or “pie” and/or “on sale” in the name, and then microwave on high, in short bursts. Insert lollypop sticks, or sticks you find lying around in the yard, and allow to cool completely.

Marshmallow Ghosts [Read more...]

Perfect Unimaginably Lazy Cuisine – Noa Gavin

It’s long been thought that either people can or can’t cook. Either you have a natural flair for the culinary arts and know exactly what spices to use, or you burn everything in sight.

There’s no in-between in this logic, and I defy that by existing today and not having wasted away into starvation long ago.

In fact, that grey cooking area is vast and full of questionable food, because some people are just too lazy to cook things properly. It’s not that you don’t know how to cook well or eat every meal out—it’s that you don’t care enough to make a huge meal every day for…yourself.

I am that woman. Share in my apathy, won’t you?

 

Poached-Ass Eggs

  • Get out an egg
  • Put that bitch in a bowl, shell and all
  • Nuke it for 2 minutes.
  • DONE. [Read more...]

Easy Three Herb Pesto – K A B L O O E Y

easy-pesto-recipe
Foolproof Three Herb Pesto
(for the thrify and/or recipe impaired)

Note: If you’re like that 50 Shades of Grey babe and just like to be ordered around, skip all the parenthetical notes.  You have enough issues; you don’t need to be exposed to the inner workings of my brain.
basil

  • 1 bunch basil
  • 1 bag spinach (Because it’s much cheaper than basil and I promise will work fine in this recipe.  Hey, Anastasia: you can trust me.)
  • 1 bunch cilantro (If you hate cilantro, use 2 bunches of basil, or use arugula. You can’t mess this recipe up, unless you throw in some poison ivy.)
  • 4 cloves garlic (or fewer, if you’re garlic-averse.  I actually used five HUGE cloves.  And now I’m close talking and breathing on you.)
  • ½ cup grated parmesan or romano cheese (not the green can of powdered vomit; I don’t care if you grew up with it, use fresh.  And you can use a whole cup.  I was trying to cut calories a bit.)
  • ½ cup olive oil (Up to a cup is fine, actually, depending on the texture you like.)
  • ½ cup of walnuts (Pine nuts are supposed to be used, but have you seen what they charge for those bastards? Walnuts give the pesto the same creamy texture for a lot less money.  I used a “big handful;” a half cup’s my guess.  We’re very precise here in the Kablooey kitchen.  No wonder the Food Network keeps overlooking me for a show.) [Read more...]

Anime makes me sooo hungry – Saturday Morning Cartoons

I am a huge fan of the Studio Ghibli/Hayao Miyazaki movies.

And, if you will indulge me a hipster moment, I was way into them before Disney started shoving the badly voice-acted US versions down our throats. I loved them back when I had to walk to Oxford Comics and mail order them from Japan on VHS.

But there is something about those movies (especially the more recent Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle) that always makes me hungry. Seriously hungry. Runover-the-nun-in-the-crosswalk-and-dropkick-anyone-else-who-gets-in-my-way hungry.

So, take a look at some clips from some of my favorite movies and see if it doesn’t have you demanding Dim Sum (or breakfast) immediately…. [Read more...]

Acceptable Romantic Foods – Monique Madrid

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but a way to a woman’s hips is also through her stomach.

In the beginning, my husband was a romantic. Flowers, love notes, spontaneous dates and candy were a regular occurrence. I still remember the first time he gave me candy. I know that’s a little weird, but this was a 10lb bag of gummy bears. Not the shitty, generic brand either. Haribro Gummy Bears, the Ferraris (or at least given their Germanic roots) the Volkswagen of gummies. I was thrilled and ate the whole bag in a day.

Ten years later, he still brings me little surprises, just not of the flower variety. In fact, the last time I got flowers was when I snuck a bouquet onto the conveyor belt in the checkout line at Jewel. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t bring me little gifts though just not necessarily the kinds I want. While ’50 Shades of Grey’ groupies pine for chocolates to go with their handcuffs and whips, I pine for looser fitting pants. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he tends to bring me treats like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that just so happen to be his favorite candy. They also happen to be worth too many points, so I always give him half. Geez, isn’t that convenient romantic.

Still, just because I’m health conscious doesn’t mean I’m impossible to please. Here is my list of acceptable romantic treats. [Read more...]

Overly Religious Southern Baptists…BITE ME – Slutty but Funny

Southern Baptists,

Let’s chat.

Now I’m not going to sit here and berate you on your hypocritical religious beliefs.  I saw that Mitt Romney was your commencement speaker, Liberty University. (…I watch the news…and yes,  The Daily Show can be considered “news.”) Last I heard y’all called Mormons a “religious cult.”

And I’m not even going to talk about your uncanny ability to alienate any person who doesn’t conform to your “ideals.”

But if you are going to make me listen to a twenty minute introduction about the groomsmen in your fucking Southern Baptist “dry” wedding BEFORE food has even been served, you better believe I’m going to openly pour vodka into the sparkling apple cider you’re trying so hard to pass off as champagne.

Side note: If the usher has to constantly announce that the groomsmen, “is a good Christian man, and he’s fun to hang out with!” He’s not fun to hang out with. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty

 

Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
A
lone With Cats

 
 

Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
Suniverse [Read more...]

For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious. [Read more...]