Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

The hidden causes of TMJ, aka Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

It was 7 o’clock. Dinner had been over for half an hour. The dishes had been cleared, leftovers had been put away. The table had been wiped down. There was talk of pajamas, tooth brushing, and bedtime stories.

I looked over at my five-year-old and noticed he was chewing something.

“Did you get a treat without permission?” I asked. “Gum, perhaps?”

“No, Mom,” he said. “I’m still trying to eat the chicken from dinner.” He took the wad out of his mouth to show me. “It’s taking forever.”

“Still?” [Read more...]

Food Suicide

Can you really kill yourself with food? An investigation.

Often times on shows like The Biggest Loser, people are told that they are “killing themselves with food.” I always scoff when I hear that. I mean, honestly, if you really want to kill yourself are you going to use a gun or bacon? Me, personally, I’d go with the latter, since I am depressed but don’t really want to kill myself so my attempt to cut my wrists with bacon would just be an obvious cry for help.

But, being the intrepid reporter that I am not, I decided to take a closer look at the idea of death-by-food. Can I actually kill myself with food? Let’s find out. I chose the three most lethal kinds of food out there, if Redbook and Glamour are to be believed. And they are, though I’d caution against implementing all of their recommendations. Unless you want to be licking a perineum every time you have sex, I’d take their advice carefully. TRUST ME. [Read more...]

My Drunk Kitchen – Natalie Wall

Want to be philosophical, schwasted, and corny as hell while violating a (dead) chicken with a beer can? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m pretty sure tampering with a dead animal carcass is illegal in most states. So why not live vicariously through Hannah via “My Drunk Kitchen” and watch her drunkenly stumble (with her thoughts and actual body) through her one-lady cooking webisodes?

Will you actually learn how to cook? Absolutely. Will the food be good? Absolutely not. But cooking is more about the experience than the actual outcome of the food (which is why God created Taco Bell), and Hannah is ready and willing to demonstrate that the best type of experience is always a drunk experience.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – The Power of The Bean


I always knew what I had.

Coffee, Ahhh, from that first palate burning sip. The perfect drink. Black gold. Brings you up, yet calms you down.

Like a good Colombian family, our day began with a silver pot percolating. In fact, I received my own first percolator at age three; my Spanish grandmother would fill it with the real bean, and my brother and I would sit and slurp up the steaming sweet smoothness. We would masterfully stir in the cream until it was the perfect caramel brown. We just knew how much cream to add, it’s part of the Andean DNA we came with.

Since age three, I have known of the power of caffeine. I have forever understood the coffee jokes, I got them – I’d even poke fun at my own left twitching eye. [Read more...]

Top 10 End-Of-The-World Foods – Heather Davis

Cream of Chicken Soup

If what the Mayans say is true and zombies end the world in 2012 by electing Snookie as president, we must be prepared. We must be prepared to board ourselves up in our homes because let’s face it: we’re not all going to get to Montana in time and besides that, the state is only so big.

I think we learned our lesson in 1999 when we all stocked up on water in preparation of the computers taking over the world in Y2K. Ummm…Water? It’ll take a whole lot more than water to get us through this crisis.  Make sure you have plenty of these items on hand.

 

10. Twinkies: Not only will these delectable snack cakes serve your family for generations to come, but if you unwrap one and let it sit on the counter for 24-hours, it can be used as a weapon. An edible weapon – life is good.

 

9. Taco-Flavored Doritos: These spicy, crunchy triangles of wonder are hard enough to find when everything is right with the world. If you see these, snag them up. Plus, if a zombie breaks into your house and steals them you’ll hear it crunch the chips or crinkle the bag.

 

8. Segram’s Wine Coolers: Popping the top off of a wine cooler will remind you of a much simpler time. A time when you were poor but still wanted to get drunk. A time when you had no lofty expectations or taste. [Read more...]

Perfect Unimaginably Lazy Cuisine – Noa Gavin

It’s long been thought that either people can or can’t cook. Either you have a natural flair for the culinary arts and know exactly what spices to use, or you burn everything in sight.

There’s no in-between in this logic, and I defy that by existing today and not having wasted away into starvation long ago.

In fact, that grey cooking area is vast and full of questionable food, because some people are just too lazy to cook things properly. It’s not that you don’t know how to cook well or eat every meal out—it’s that you don’t care enough to make a huge meal every day for…yourself.

I am that woman. Share in my apathy, won’t you?

 

Poached-Ass Eggs

  • Get out an egg
  • Put that bitch in a bowl, shell and all
  • Nuke it for 2 minutes.
  • DONE. [Read more...]

EAT THIS! – La Loaf de l’amour

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.by Frogmama

Has it been awhile since you and your partner have been amorous? Do you need to put that zing back into your bedroom but don’t know what to cook to set the wheels in motion?

Relax. “La Loaf de l’amour” is here.

Before you jump into this dish, I need to lay down some ground rules. This dish isn’t for novices so if you’re someone who fucks up instant oatmeal don’t even think about attempting it. The recipe has been in my family for eons so please, whatever you do, don’t go telling everyone about it. I don’t want to turn on the TV and find Rachel Ray claiming it’s hers.

Got it?

Preparation:

Be sure you make this dish on a night when you have plenty of distractions and limitations. I recommend two crying kids, two fat cats begging to be fed, a slight buzz, severe lack of sleep, cabin fever and some out-of-whack stubbornness fed by your partner’s comment of “You can’t make dinner under these circumstances.” [Read more...]

Easy Three Herb Pesto – K A B L O O E Y

easy-pesto-recipe
Foolproof Three Herb Pesto
(for the thrify and/or recipe impaired)

Note: If you’re like that 50 Shades of Grey babe and just like to be ordered around, skip all the parenthetical notes.  You have enough issues; you don’t need to be exposed to the inner workings of my brain.
basil

  • 1 bunch basil
  • 1 bag spinach (Because it’s much cheaper than basil and I promise will work fine in this recipe.  Hey, Anastasia: you can trust me.)
  • 1 bunch cilantro (If you hate cilantro, use 2 bunches of basil, or use arugula. You can’t mess this recipe up, unless you throw in some poison ivy.)
  • 4 cloves garlic (or fewer, if you’re garlic-averse.  I actually used five HUGE cloves.  And now I’m close talking and breathing on you.)
  • ½ cup grated parmesan or romano cheese (not the green can of powdered vomit; I don’t care if you grew up with it, use fresh.  And you can use a whole cup.  I was trying to cut calories a bit.)
  • ½ cup olive oil (Up to a cup is fine, actually, depending on the texture you like.)
  • ½ cup of walnuts (Pine nuts are supposed to be used, but have you seen what they charge for those bastards? Walnuts give the pesto the same creamy texture for a lot less money.  I used a “big handful;” a half cup’s my guess.  We’re very precise here in the Kablooey kitchen.  No wonder the Food Network keeps overlooking me for a show.) [Read more...]

Anime makes me sooo hungry – Saturday Morning Cartoons

I am a huge fan of the Studio Ghibli/Hayao Miyazaki movies.

And, if you will indulge me a hipster moment, I was way into them before Disney started shoving the badly voice-acted US versions down our throats. I loved them back when I had to walk to Oxford Comics and mail order them from Japan on VHS.

But there is something about those movies (especially the more recent Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle) that always makes me hungry. Seriously hungry. Runover-the-nun-in-the-crosswalk-and-dropkick-anyone-else-who-gets-in-my-way hungry.

So, take a look at some clips from some of my favorite movies and see if it doesn’t have you demanding Dim Sum (or breakfast) immediately…. [Read more...]