Acceptable Romantic Foods – Monique Madrid

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but a way to a woman’s hips is also through her stomach.

In the beginning, my husband was a romantic. Flowers, love notes, spontaneous dates and candy were a regular occurrence. I still remember the first time he gave me candy. I know that’s a little weird, but this was a 10lb bag of gummy bears. Not the shitty, generic brand either. Haribro Gummy Bears, the Ferraris (or at least given their Germanic roots) the Volkswagen of gummies. I was thrilled and ate the whole bag in a day.

Ten years later, he still brings me little surprises, just not of the flower variety. In fact, the last time I got flowers was when I snuck a bouquet onto the conveyor belt in the checkout line at Jewel. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t bring me little gifts though just not necessarily the kinds I want. While ’50 Shades of Grey’ groupies pine for chocolates to go with their handcuffs and whips, I pine for looser fitting pants. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he tends to bring me treats like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that just so happen to be his favorite candy. They also happen to be worth too many points, so I always give him half. Geez, isn’t that convenient romantic.

Still, just because I’m health conscious doesn’t mean I’m impossible to please. Here is my list of acceptable romantic treats. [Read more...]

Overly Religious Southern Baptists…BITE ME – Slutty but Funny

Southern Baptists,

Let’s chat.

Now I’m not going to sit here and berate you on your hypocritical religious beliefs.  I saw that Mitt Romney was your commencement speaker, Liberty University. (…I watch the news…and yes,  The Daily Show can be considered “news.”) Last I heard y’all called Mormons a “religious cult.”

And I’m not even going to talk about your uncanny ability to alienate any person who doesn’t conform to your “ideals.”

But if you are going to make me listen to a twenty minute introduction about the groomsmen in your fucking Southern Baptist “dry” wedding BEFORE food has even been served, you better believe I’m going to openly pour vodka into the sparkling apple cider you’re trying so hard to pass off as champagne.

Side note: If the usher has to constantly announce that the groomsmen, “is a good Christian man, and he’s fun to hang out with!” He’s not fun to hang out with. [Read more...]

Cookbooks? I Wouldn’t Dream Of Cooking From Them

someecards.com - I have a passion for not cooking

I don’t like cooking; I really like to think about cooking.

If I were a different person, say, a person who made coconut layer cakes I might make a coconut layer cake, but I am a defroster. A packet-opener. A dumper into pots of canned things. I warm things up, I mix things, I toss a mean salad. That’s what my husband says.

When I read cookbooks, it’s the same way that I read Architectural Digest; with no intention ever of fluffing throw pillows, or installing art from Oceania, or purchasing a pecan-wood sleigh bed. I read merely to live for a moment in another world. A world where there are heirloom acorn-fed pigs, and alpacas, and roast squab, and beets like jewels, and lardoons, and lardo, and the people who live in this world care about foams, and sous-vide, and the stable oven temperatures, and whatnot, like making a watermelon into a watermelon-flavored dust.

It all sounds so interesting. But would I do it? Hell no. It’s ridiculous the idea of an ice cream machine in my home, and the word “gelato.” This is why we have Italy, people, and professionals. So we can go there. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty

 

Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
A
lone With Cats

 
 

Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
Suniverse [Read more...]

Cheeeken in a Can and Butter Cookies

BITE ME! Food and Whine on FnS

My mother was a fancy lady. She never cooked, nor cleaned, nor kept up a home. She had grown up in South America, with “servants.” That’s the word she used for the help they had around her house. They had a servant for bed making, sweeping, cooking, market shopping, and small child watching. They even had one to feed my older sister’s pet howler monkey.

When she moved to the United States, that all had to stop. No maids here, but at least there were appliances. Still, the shock of do-it-yourself life along with the unwilling attitude on her part to have to learn how to do for herself, birthed a lot of meal time horror stories.

She couldn’t cook worth a lick. [Read more...]

Top 10 Reasons I Hate Cooking – Noa Gavin

Top 10 Reasons I Hate Cooking

 

10. Pickles wrapped in soft pretzels dipped in potato salad is all I ever want to eat, and that’s apparently not okay.

 

9. Guy Fieri is associated with cooking, and he’s just…he’s just the worst. Shirt Flames are for punks. [Read more...]

Keeping It Real – Like the Pioneer Woman

A Pioneer Woman Parody by Heather Davis.


On Saturday mornings, when we raise our heads at the crack of dawn (or about 3 hours afterwards), we like to have a nice family breakfast (when we’re lucky enough to have all the ingredients together – otherwise it’s each man for himself!). We start with gathering the eggs. Expiration dates? Did you know there are expiration dates on eggs? Really? You did? I had no clue. But I say, screw it! They’re pasteurized, right? Besides, if I get sick, the stay in the hospital will be a nice break … I’m just keeping it real, here!

sausage
Lucky us! We found some sausage! The expiration date is very important on sausage; however, it was on the part of the package that is no longer with the sausage. There were no fumes or green tints, so we used it.  This sausage is not organic or freshly ground.  I don’t believe in actually making my own sausage. I do believe in buying the cheapest, fattiest sausage I can find at Hellmart, which I live just down the street from.  I’m just keeping it real here! [Read more...]

For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious. [Read more...]