Blythe Jewell

My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]

Healthcare in America: Duct Tape, Super Glue and Mayo

cheap health care coverageMaybe you’ve noticed — good and cheap health care coverage ain’t so easy to come by these days. People will go to great lengths to find it or, more likely, work around it. My BFF is an insurance adjuster and as far as I can tell from her stories, people are getting more and more desperate every day to avoid the whole damned thing altogether. They either do nothing and try to wish the problem away, or they rely on home remedies – which are scientifically proven to do jack shit.

Here are some favorites, as they are filed away in my mind:
[Read more...]

5 -Year Olds Just Don’t Get the 80s.

What I think when I see the video for Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go: “Oh, remember that time I found 50 bucks in a mall bathroom and spent it all on George Michael posters at Spencer’s? And remember when this song played at the junior high dance and Brent Berry asked me to dance but I said no because I’d worked so hard to get my bangs just tall enough and didn’t want to mess them up? And remember those red parachute pants I tricked my grandma into buying for me? And then I wore them to the Michael Jackson Victory tour? With that shirt, the one with all the zippers and shoulder pads the size of my head? And remember tanning in the backyard? With my little pink boom box playing this? While I greased myself up with baby oil? Totally awesome. Those days were so rad.”

Here’s what my five-year old thinks when he sees the same video: “Are those the kind of special people I’m not supposed to stare at?”

A few more random observations from the astute 5-year old in the family:

1. Come on Eileen, Dexy’s Midnight Runners

“Those people all look like they’re in a jug band, or maybe they live on a prairie or something.”

2. You Might Think, The Cars

“I really like that guy that follows that lady everywhere. I bet when he takes off his sunglasses he’s a zombie. I feel like he’s gonna be watching me next time I take a bath.”

3. Karma Chameleon, Culture Club

(confused) “What the HECK??!!??!” [Read more...]

We’re Back to the 80s on Funny not Slutty

Hello, and welcome to Back to the 80′s on Funny not Slutty. We have what I feel is the funniest week in the history of FnS, and that’s pretty funny. Look for original and classic 80s videos, 80s themed memes, blog posts and even a fab 80′s jukebox procured by our graphic designer, Lakia Ross.

Special thanks to Killy Dwyer, the Funny not Slutty Fairy, and her crew, Bill Chambers and Craig Schober for producing 3 vid promos.

The contributors who made this week happen are: [Read more...]

15 Wonderful, Awful Skymall Gift Ideas – Blythe Jewell

This is basically just a list of bullshit I never knew I needed until Skymall told me I did. Now I’m obsessed, and if I don’t find at least half of these under my tree this year, I’m kicking someone’s ass.

Merry Christmas.

1. Mademoiselle Haute Couture Lamp.

 

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=69661072&pnr=85G

I was redecorating my living room this week in the haute couture theme (naturally), but the whole time I just kept thinking to myself, “You know what this place really needs? A life-sized woman lamp that’s taller, thinner and better-dressed than me.” And then – voila! There it was!

2. The” Zombie of Montclaire Moors” Statue.  Because nothing says “Welcome to our home!” quite like a life-sized gray zombie with the tortured eyes of death clawing its way out of your front walkway flowerbed.  [Read more...]

5 Songs Proving Everyone Was High and Horny in the 70s

by Blythe Jewell

high-and-horny


1. Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
, Rupert Holmes

 

The first line of this song goes:  “I was tired of my lady, we’d been together too long.” It’s pretty much downhill from there. [Read more...]

Top 7 Places in US for Summer Vacation By “Victoria Jackson”

My Top Seven Favorite Places in America for Summer Vacation
By “Victoria Jackson”

by Blythe Jewell

1. Arkansas.
The men all wear shirts with the sleeves cut off, and there are, like, ZERO Muslims here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Texas.
Rick Perry’s hair is the shit! I just want to do a handstand in it! [Read more...]

10 Popular Trends in Wedding Guest Dresses

by Blythe Jewell

Every wedding is different, every guest is special. Some of us are there to celebrate the sanctity of marriage, others are there to get drunk, get laid, eat their weight in wedding cake or some combination thereof. Let’s take a look at some of the hottest trends in wedding guest garb this season.

10. The “Your Gift Will Totally Be Something I Made With A Hot Glue Gun and Popsicle Sticks” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  The “I Really, REALLY Need to Find a Sugar Daddy To Help Me Pay for These Things” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  The “I Like Cats Just a *Little* Too Much” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  The “Playing This Off Like I’m Cultural and Stuff But Really I Just Want to Eat the Entire Wedding Cake Without Worrying About Stomach Pooch” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  The “Only Way I’m Getting Any Attention Today is by Piggybacking on the Cuteness of My Kid So I’m Going Whole Hog” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  The “Just Got Dumped So Now I’m Planning to Get Wasted and Blow a Groomsman at the Reception” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  The “Took that Whole Royal Wedding Thing Just A Tiny Bit Too Seriously” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  The “I’m Hiding Your Gift in One Of My Flaps” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  The “Last Wedding I Attended, My Husband Took Sister Wife” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 . Top Wedding Guest Dress Trend –   The “Don’t Care if I Have to Run Over my Own Grandma – I’m Catching That Fucking Bouquet” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

Top 7 Reasons Why You Should Always Leave Comments – Blythe Jewell

by Blythe Jewell

Note from Editor:
I felt that a good way to encourage commenting on FnS would be to publish a post about the importance of supporting fellow contributors. Naturally, I selected Blythe Jewell because of her mastery of the English language, fame and esteem, and …Who are we kidding? Blythe is just
a great big giant comment whore. So who better to threaten encourage us to contribute comments more often?

7. Every time you read a blog but don’t comment, a puppy dies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. If you don’t comment, your people will revolt and your government will be overthrown.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. The governor of Wisconsin hates two things: lurkers and collective bargaining rights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Studies have shown that people who don’t leave comments are 76% more likely to contract gonorrhea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Rush Limbaugh? Total lurker.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Abraham Lincoln never left comments, and look how HE ended up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. If you don’t comment, Darth Vader will choke you with his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell

by Blythe Jewell

1. Squeezing into slutty lingerie.

I don’t dress up to have sex. If naked’s not good enough, we have a problem.

Besides – lace chafes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Sensual massage.
I have really weak fingers and wrists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Scattering rose petals around the bed.
Somebody’s got to clean that shit up, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Cooking an elaborate meal.
If you had ever seen me trying to Forrest Gump my way through the kitchen, you’d understand that I’m actually doing him a favor with this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Feeding him chocolate-covered strawberries.
Any chocolate in this house belongs to me, exclusively – regardless of the occasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look. I love my guy, but I don’t need a special day to be awkward, uncomfortable and falsely selfless. That’s what dating was for.

Hey, Valentine’s Day? Bite me.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.