Six Random People I’ve Found on Facebook and Why I Love Them

by Blythe Jewell

1. Debbie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Debbie. I love Debbie because she looks both scared and happy at the same time.  I’m pretty sure this is the result of a bad Botox experience, but the fact that she chose this as her profile picture makes me wonder.

The tan lines are just a bonus.

If this is the way Debbie normally looks, I’m guessing she does a lot of clenching. Probably a big fan of stress balls.  And kegels.

2.  Jan and Jimmy.

I love Jan and Jimmy because they’re just regular folks who like to put a few beers back and party.  Somebody probably got lucky after this picture was taken but I’m not sure if it was Jimmy or the random dude in the background who seems to have a booger.

At the very least, some boobs were flashed on this night.  I’m SURE of it.

3. The Comic-Con Crowd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will probably shock you to know that this photo was taken at a technology conference.  I can’t remember the names of all the people who were tagged here but they probably prefer to go by their video game aliases, anyway.  I CAN tell you that two of the people here are married to each other.  I like to imagine that the wedding ceremony was some combination of Harry Potter and Stargate SG-1.  The bride would have been in a blood red corset and black lipstick.  The groom would have worn tights and carried a sword. Guests would be in awe of the personalized Star Trek tea light holders.

4.  The Kissy-Face Girls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the Kissy Face Girls.  I have no idea what their real names are, but does it matter?  They’re totally interchangeable and any one of them will offer up random blow jobs after two or three Sex on the Beaches.  That’s really all you need to know.

I love them because I can walk into any nightclub in any city of the world and find them there.

5. The Devil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the Devil. And his wife.  On Christmas.

 

6. John

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is John.  John is my favorite because of the bike shorts and his perfectly encased package and enormous calf muscles.  He’s clearly proud of himself for being wherever he is and has no idea why everyone who sees this photo assumes he’s gay.

He’s just SO HAPPY, this guy.  He makes ME happy.  John is why I love Facebook.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

20 Cartoon Characters and What I’m Pretty Sure They Smell Like

by FnS columnist Blythe Jewell

1. Popeye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation: Sailor
Smells like:  Spinach and sweat


2. Papa Smurf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Patriarch
Smells like:  Pipe smoke, porn shops


3.  Gargamel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation: Shitty wizard
Smells like:  Cheap wine, kitty litter


4.  Rainbow Brite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Equestrian/child
Smells like:  Horse manure, Skittles


5.  Alvin and the Chipmunks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Musicians
Smells like:  A crack den, hookers

[Read more...]

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Top 10 Dos and Don’ts Learned from My Last High School Reunion

by Blythe Jewell

So, last week I received the Save-the-Date for my 20th high school reunion and most people might start panicking now, but not me.  Because every stupid, jackass thing someone can possibly do at a high school reunion, I already did ten years ago.  I’ve basically spent the past ten years engaged in a series of random Oh-shit-I-really-did-that cringes and winces and I’m choosing to see the 20-year as my opportunity to redeem myself, rather than a chance to make myself look like even more of an asshole.  Of course, those are what I like to call “Famous Last Words” – but we’re going to think positive here.  At least I’m going in armed with my List of Dos and Don’ts – wisdom gained through my own pain and humiliation.  And now you can, too.  You’re welcome.

1. DO stay in touch with at least two people from high school.   The first one is the person you will force to go with you to the reunion so you’re not sans high school clique.  The second is your back-up, in case the first refuses or gets sick or dies or something.

 

2. DON’T wear the tube dress.  Unless you’re cool with holding your boobs in all night.

 

[Read more...]

Top 5 Reasons Why I Despise Camping With a Fiery, Hellish Passion

 Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Blythe Jewell

camping

5.  The Husband Loves It WAY Too Much.

About a week before the trip, he starts to get giddy.  He checks the weather forecast three times a day.  He makes lists of things to pack.  He NEEDS stuff.  His tent is old.  He doesn’t have any good camping tools.  If I really want to be comfortable, we’ll need a new air mattress, and new sleeping bags.  Of course I really DO want to be comfortable, so four thousand dollars later we’re all ready for the trip that was supposed to be a cheap alternative to that French Riviera cruise I wanted to take.

He wants me to be as excited as he is.  I’m not.  This annoys him.  That annoys ME. 

We haven’t even left the house yet, and already camping sucks.

4.  It’s Nothing But a Bunch of Work.

You wake up early.  You pack a bunch of crap in your car.  It doesn’t fit.  You UNpack it, then pack it again.  You barely make it fit.  You realize that you forgot some stuff.  You curse.  You start over.  Now you’re cranky.

You drive for hours, get there, unpack all the crap, realize even MORE stuff you’ve forgotten, curse.  Crankier.

You set up campsite #1, realize the spot you chose is too hot, so you move to campsite #2.  You realize campsite #2 is too cold.  You curse.  You move to campsite #3.  Cranky times ten.

After not sleeping – at all – because you forgot the sleeping bags and the *new* air mattress deflated halfway through the night, you get up the next morning and pack everything BACK up in your car.  You realize you somehow managed to forget some stuff.  You curse.  You drive off, abandoning the air mattress at the nearest dumpster, muttering to yourself, with lots of cursing, that it was just a piece of crap anyway.

Fun!

3.  No Wi-Fi.

Seriously!  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something.

2.  The Coffee Sucks. 

Seriously!  Nobody EVER remembers the Splenda.  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something. [Read more...]

Top 10 Reasons Skinny Women Should Shut Up About Their Weight

 

vain skinny woman

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.


The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron. [Read more...]

9 Reasons “Haute Couture” Sounds Like Someone Coughing Up a Loogey

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers, by Blythe Jewell

Dictionary.com’s definition of haute couture:

1. high fashion; the most fashionable and influential dressmaking and designing.
2. the fashions so created.
3. the leading dressmaking establishments in the world of fashion, considered collectively.

MY definition of haute couture:

1. huh?
2. what the– ?
3. really??!?

 Here’s why:

1. The Spiky Fan Thingy Outfit

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

 I totally wore this to work last week.  Felt really good about myself until the plant lady tried to water me.

2.  The Mexican Mariachi-Waitress Look

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

Excuse me, miss?  Miss?  I’m sorry, but our table is out of tortilla chips.  Would you mind tilting your head over this way?

 We also need more queso, when you have a chance. [Read more...]