Lena Dunham, I love you – Slutty but Funny

Lena Dunham, I love you.

(For those of you who don’t know who Lena Dunham is, she is a genius that at the mere age of 26 has written, produced, acted AND directed the critically acclaimed HBO series “Girls.” And if you really didn’t know who Lena was, I’m going to stop typing now, and find you, and force feed you lard. It’s the only solution to your shortcomings.)

Any who, back to you, Lena. My sweet little dove you. You make me feel content (and slightly proud?) of my current eating and personal hygiene habits.

Let those hata’s hate. They are just jealous of your ridiculous talent and ability to shove four cupcakes in your mouth at once.

Believe me, I’ve lost many a friends because of that stunning feat. It’s sad really but the inability to overeat is and will always be a sore subject for many.

But hey, we are all human. We all have our short comings. I can’t do my 11 times table without two fingers and an iPhone calculator. I have a feeling you and I have that in common.

But let’s get back to your awesomeness. You’re awesome. Well actually, you are cool and all, but now that I think about it, I think I’m in love with your character Hannah, and not you….soooooo this is going to get a little awkward. [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day – Bieber is no Reader

dope of the daybeebs

Justin Bieber just passed his high school equivalency exam, and apparently, he’s really stoked to be done.

“At school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. I’m really not into that stuff. I like to be out there.”

Usually, he hires a Harvard grad to read him his assignments and a Yalie to do his writing.

“It’s awesome!  They don’t cost that much, and when they wear out I just buy new ones.  And sometimes I make them have chicken fights in the pool when we’re just kickin’ it after a show.”

All right, I made up that second quote, but the first one’s real.  And this from a kid looked up to by millions of impressionable, hormone-fueled tweens.  He also said that his jet-setting lifestyle has enabled him to travel the world and that’s given him a different perspective. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 3

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Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 2

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

 

Dear Suniverse,

Why is Mariah Carey?

Confused


Dear Confused,

Why, indeed?

I confess, I know very little about Mariah Carey.  I know that she’s married to Nick Cannon, but the only reason I know who Nick Cannon is is because he was once on The Chappelle Show.  Is he a muppet?  Is she? [Read more...]