When Celebs Suck – Lindsay Lohan

funny lindsay lohan pic

It’s official, kids. Lock up your booze and your valuables. Stay off the streets andthe sidewalks.

Lindsay Lohan’s probation is officially over. Well, at least her formal probation.

Now all she has to do is not break any laws for 2 ½ years. 2 ½ whole years. This may not seem like such a big deal to ordinary folks like you and me. Unless you count spending too much time online as a crime – in which case, we’re all getting locked up.

But as we’ve found out time and again, Lindsay is no ordinary girl. She’s managed to turn lawlessness into an art form. Asking her to stay out of trouble is like asking her to find a word that rhymes with “orange”.

(There isn’t one. I know you tried.)

But then again, who could blame the girl for being a big ol’ hot mess? Look at her parents. Fame-hungry losers who’ve been using their daughter as their foot in the door for years – oblivious to the fact that they’re a laughingstock. They make Britney Spears look like Donna Reed.

Please tell me you know who Donna Reed is. Google her.

This just isn’t fair. We’ve been burned so badly by our celebs lately. Every time you turn around someone’s either getting divorced, having a breakdown or dying. I’ve barely recovered from the knowledge that there are partially-nude photos of Octomom out there (I haven’t dared look, since I can’t actually wash my eyeballs – let me know if you’ve seen them). I’m not emotionally ready for a free Lindsay.

You know who IS ready for a free Lindsay? Her plastic surgeon. I’m sure they’re clearing their calendar and looking at travel brochures in hopes that she decides to go on a binge in celebration, since she’s apparently found a new vice to become addicted to.

Besides, she needs to look fresh-faced for all the work she’ll be doing. I’m sure she has a ton of quality projects in the pipeline.

But let’s look at the bright side: At least she can’t get arrested for too much plastic surgery. Right?

 

Jen is a blogger and freelance writer who has been finding new and innovative ways to overcomplicate things since the late 1970’s. Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B, chronicles both her love of cooking and her uncanny ability to burn/cut/otherwise harm herself while doing so. It’s a bad combination. She also loves walking but tends to trip and fall easily. You can find her tweeting daily about the freaks she rides the train with and how much coffee she’s consumed at @MrsJenBardall.

 

When Celebs Suck – Snooki…this is it.

Snooki_in_Chicago.jpg: Jeff Lewis (chicagophotoshop.com) derivative work: Tabercil This is it, folks. The end times are nigh. Get your survival gear together and kiss the internet and Easy Mac goodbye.

Snooki is pregnant.

I’m certain I’ll find something about this in the book of Revelations if I just look hard enough.

Sure, the pregnancy is only being spoken of in (extremely loud) whispers so far. Reportedly, everyone’s favorite meatball has promised Us Weekly exclusive rights to break the story. Oh Us Weekly, you bastion of hard-hitting journalism. I’m sure the execs at MTV are simultaneously crapping themselves and marveling at the even larger-than-usual dollar signs flashing before their eyes. Sure, the girl is known for her partying skillz (so epic they warrant a “z” at the end), but she’s also known for being kind of a slowpoke in the brains department. [Read more...]

When Celebs Suck – I love you Beyonce, but seriously…

Let me preface this by saying that my love for Beyonce Knowles is undying. I’m convinced that she’s some sort of angel/alien hybrid sent to earth to teach us how to dance in stilettos. My husband has been warned more than once that if Beyonce were to come a-knockin’, I’d forget his name in less time than it took Bobbi Brown to try to cash in on Whitney’s death.

That being said…

It’s one thing to be all “I love Beyonce because she’s Oprah rich AND is still someone I can see myself sharing a bottle of wine with”…but now? I’m not so sure. It seems my beloved Sasha Fierce is starting to lose that common touch which she’s always been so proud of.

First order of evidence: The fact that the birth of her daughter resulted in lockdown conditions in the neonatal unit of Lennox Hill Hospital. In other words, if you weren’t part of the Beyonce/Jay Z entourage, it sucked to be you even more than it does every other day of the year. Imagine being told you can’t visit your baby because of some people who are better than you. Do you see yourself beating a security guard to death, or is it just me? I’m violent sometimes. [Read more...]

When Celebs Suck – Moore is Less

Demi Moore BikiniWho doesn’t sometimes wish they were a rich, famous person? Wouldn’t it be neat to have more money than sense?  To be spared brushing shoulders with the plebes and commoners in their velour tracksuits, fighting over the last bag of Oreos at Walmart.  To hire someone to raise your children for you while you jet off to George’s villa for a little R&R.  Oh, the possibilities.

I admit, I’ve harbored such grand daydreams, especially during my commute on public transportation (shudder).  But being a normal, everyday person gives me one advantage famous women don’t possess: Wrinkles won’t mean a death sentence for my career.  I don’t need to have an obsession with physical perfection.  I can just be my great big sloppy self until I die, and my husband won’t care because he’s a slob too.  Whew.

Not so, however, for celebs like Demi Moore, or (as she shall henceforth be known) The Alpha Cougar.  She’s spent years replacing various body parts with plastic and silicone to the point where she doesn’t even look like the same person anymore.  She even sank so low as to marry Ashton Kutcher. 

What? Am I the only person who cringes at the thought?

Once Ashton left for younger pastures, Demi had to find another way to prove to the world just how youthful she still is and screw him anyway, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And what says “young, hip and not somebody you cheat on” better than doing whip-its like a spoiled teenager trying to escape the boredom of suburbia? Not to mention partying with your (horrified) daughter and her friends, and chasing around after Zac Efron[Read more...]