Memoirs of My America – Ignorance is Bliss

I am amazed by the things that my children don’t do, that I did. Especially over Christmas. I was one of six children, and we were thick as thieves. If something entailed sneakiness and trouble, we jumped in, and we never spilled the beans on each other. It was a code of secrecy that we didn’t have to pledge, we just knew. I’m sure it had to do with the Survivors on the Island theme we were convinced we were living.

Though we were always fortunate enough to have a home and food to eat, the rest of the extra things in life that make it nice, were a bit dicey.

There was never an overabundance of much. We had what we needed, nothing more. Easier said than done, for a child: adequate but nothing unnecessary. With all those commercials on TV during Christmas? [Read more...]

For only $19.95, Shit Can “Get Real” This Christmas! – Leslie Goshko

christmas funnyParents: are you tired of stressing over how to explain the existence of Santa Claus to your child? Do you fret that dashing your offspring’s dreams will leave them in years of therapy with only you to blame? Or worse, that some snotty classmate of theirs will beat you to the punch, thus subjecting you to endure melodramatic shrieks of “You’re a liar! A LIAR!”? Well fear no more! For the low low price of just $19.95, you can take yourself off the hook with the new Santa’s Little Helper “Shit Just Got Real” doll! This adorable plush elf doll comes complete with reversible holiday vest, bell-laden shoes that really jingle, and all the things you can’t bring yourself to say! Simply squeeze Little “Shit Just Got Real”’s tummy, and with a giggle, he’ll let your child know:

Diabetes doesn’t care if you’re “jolly!”

Mommy’s dating a Jew now!

and

It’s called “venison” and it’s delicious!

Order now, and for an additional $5.99 you can receive our limited edition “Shit Just Got Real” Advent calendar, featuring not one, but TWO life-like houses–one for weekends at Mommy’s, and one for Daddy’s (chocolate not included). [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat

reindeer-poop-recipe

 

Dark Chocolate Truffles aka, “Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat”

 
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Elizabeth Bastos

1) Combine on top of a double boiler (if you care about that sort of fuss, you could also just nuke it in the microwave on ‘HI” until its melted) 1/4 cup strong coffee, 7 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips, 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate. 

2) Transfer to a mixing bowl. Add enough butter to feel fait from artery clog, just the way Santa felt before his guadruple bypass, about 1 1/4 sticks, cut in small pieces. Beat until smooth and glossy reindeer hide, though I have never seen reindeer hide. Just imagine it. The gloss. The smoothness. [Read more...]