My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]