Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison

Deep Fried Bubble Gum

If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway?

Self-improvement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who really wants to be healthier, smarter, and have fewer bad habits? Not me, that’s for sure. I have too many other more important things to do like sit on my butt watching Lifetime movies, look at unattractive pictures of celebrities in gossip magazines, and think of something new to deep fry. Okay the last thing isn’t true. I’ve never deep fried anything in my life. All that hot oil scares me.

If I did actually deep fry something, I would be keeping my resolution to conquer my fears. Maybe there are deep fried marshmallows in my future. Is that a thing or did I make it up? If I did, don’t steal my idea.

Once I get over this deep frying fear I could market my deep fried marshmallows and make bundles. That would take care of my resolution to make more money. Wow … that’s like killing two birds with one stone. I’m brilliant. Wait a minute … does that mean I just achieved my goal to be a little smarter this year? Oh my goodness, I think I did. [Read more...]

EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – When is Dressing Stuffing?

Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebratory time, of when the Pilgrims were helped by the Native Americans and there was a horn o’plenty of food. It was a good harvest, and along with eating there were three days of games and social cooperation. Peace among the people, eating together and sharing alike. No one cared that you called it corn and another called it maize. The feast was delicious and it filled your belly; and it was a time that would go down in history.

Giving of what you have to others should bring out some warm fuzzy feelings of love for one another. And Thanksgiving can do that, except when someone reaches across the table and asks another to “pass the dressing, please.” And that person a few chairs down sends a bottle of Wish-bone Green Goddess back their way.

“Excuse me, I asked for the dressing.”

“Right. And so there you go–dressing.”

“No, the dressing. The side dish there, the savory croutons drowned in butter. Please.”

“That would be stuffing. You want stuffing.”

“No, it’s dressing. My mother called it dressing. Pass the dressing, please.”

“Dressing is salad dressing. That’s what I gave you. If it’s stuffing you want, I can give you stuffing.”

“I don’t call it stuffing. Stuffing is made inside the bird. This was made on the side. I’d like that bowl of dressing that was made outside of the turkey. Please.” [Read more...]

Halloween Treats So Easy Even A Zombie Could Make Them

zombie fingers

Like the undead, most mothers stumble around the kitchen. Who has the life energy to stay up all night baking for the vampires’ (I mean kids’) school Halloween bake sales? Try these recipes. They are no-brainers.

The Pecan Boo!
To melted white chocolate, add a single pecan, orange food coloring…and leave it at that.

Trick or Treat or Whatever
Take a pretzel stick, tape black chenille pipe cleaner cat ears onto one end of it, if you really want to, which you really don’t, so just bring in the pretzel sticks.

Mini Pumpkin Pies
Purchase anything with the word “mini” and “pumpkin” and/or “pie” and/or “on sale” in the name, and then microwave on high, in short bursts. Insert lollypop sticks, or sticks you find lying around in the yard, and allow to cool completely.

Marshmallow Ghosts [Read more...]

Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

The hidden causes of TMJ, aka Mrs. Mullet’s Baked Chicken Breast Recipe

It was 7 o’clock. Dinner had been over for half an hour. The dishes had been cleared, leftovers had been put away. The table had been wiped down. There was talk of pajamas, tooth brushing, and bedtime stories.

I looked over at my five-year-old and noticed he was chewing something.

“Did you get a treat without permission?” I asked. “Gum, perhaps?”

“No, Mom,” he said. “I’m still trying to eat the chicken from dinner.” He took the wad out of his mouth to show me. “It’s taking forever.”

“Still?” [Read more...]

Food Suicide

Can you really kill yourself with food? An investigation.

Often times on shows like The Biggest Loser, people are told that they are “killing themselves with food.” I always scoff when I hear that. I mean, honestly, if you really want to kill yourself are you going to use a gun or bacon? Me, personally, I’d go with the latter, since I am depressed but don’t really want to kill myself so my attempt to cut my wrists with bacon would just be an obvious cry for help.

But, being the intrepid reporter that I am not, I decided to take a closer look at the idea of death-by-food. Can I actually kill myself with food? Let’s find out. I chose the three most lethal kinds of food out there, if Redbook and Glamour are to be believed. And they are, though I’d caution against implementing all of their recommendations. Unless you want to be licking a perineum every time you have sex, I’d take their advice carefully. TRUST ME. [Read more...]

My Drunk Kitchen – Natalie Wall

Want to be philosophical, schwasted, and corny as hell while violating a (dead) chicken with a beer can? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m pretty sure tampering with a dead animal carcass is illegal in most states. So why not live vicariously through Hannah via “My Drunk Kitchen” and watch her drunkenly stumble (with her thoughts and actual body) through her one-lady cooking webisodes?

Will you actually learn how to cook? Absolutely. Will the food be good? Absolutely not. But cooking is more about the experience than the actual outcome of the food (which is why God created Taco Bell), and Hannah is ready and willing to demonstrate that the best type of experience is always a drunk experience.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

My Top 6 Cooking Disasters and Why None of Them are My Fault

In the kitchen, I’m useless, and always have been. Every attempt I’ve ever made at cooking has been a nightmare. There have been many disasters along the way, but here are the top 5 standouts.

 

Pepperoni and Cardboard Pizza

What happened:

Did you know that you’re not actually supposed to bake a frozen pizza with that round piece of cardboard still under it? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

Who I blame:

This is a clear case of negligence on the part of DiGiornio and I fervently believe that, had my husband not come home and asked “What IS that burning smell?”, our resulting lawsuit (had we survived the fire) would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Salty Mac and Cheese. 

What happened:

Freshman year of high school, I decided to take a break from being an asshole 14-year old and made dinner for my mom. I have no idea what prompted this idea but I suspect I’d done something stupid and wanted to head off my mom’s wrath by doing something sweet to stifle her rage when she finally got wind of whatever it was.

Uncharacteristically, I decided not to get too ambitious and stuck with the basics for my menu. Grilled cheese sandwiches, with a side of macaroni and cheese. How could I possibly fuck that up?

After a lot of hard labor, I proudly presented my mom with my culinary masterpiece. I watched eagerly as she took her first bites. The grilled cheese went off without a hitch. The mac and cheese, not so much.

Who I Blame:  [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – The Power of The Bean


I always knew what I had.

Coffee, Ahhh, from that first palate burning sip. The perfect drink. Black gold. Brings you up, yet calms you down.

Like a good Colombian family, our day began with a silver pot percolating. In fact, I received my own first percolator at age three; my Spanish grandmother would fill it with the real bean, and my brother and I would sit and slurp up the steaming sweet smoothness. We would masterfully stir in the cream until it was the perfect caramel brown. We just knew how much cream to add, it’s part of the Andean DNA we came with.

Since age three, I have known of the power of caffeine. I have forever understood the coffee jokes, I got them – I’d even poke fun at my own left twitching eye. [Read more...]

Top 10 End-Of-The-World Foods – Heather Davis

Cream of Chicken Soup

If what the Mayans say is true and zombies end the world in 2012 by electing Snookie as president, we must be prepared. We must be prepared to board ourselves up in our homes because let’s face it: we’re not all going to get to Montana in time and besides that, the state is only so big.

I think we learned our lesson in 1999 when we all stocked up on water in preparation of the computers taking over the world in Y2K. Ummm…Water? It’ll take a whole lot more than water to get us through this crisis.  Make sure you have plenty of these items on hand.

 

10. Twinkies: Not only will these delectable snack cakes serve your family for generations to come, but if you unwrap one and let it sit on the counter for 24-hours, it can be used as a weapon. An edible weapon – life is good.

 

9. Taco-Flavored Doritos: These spicy, crunchy triangles of wonder are hard enough to find when everything is right with the world. If you see these, snag them up. Plus, if a zombie breaks into your house and steals them you’ll hear it crunch the chips or crinkle the bag.

 

8. Segram’s Wine Coolers: Popping the top off of a wine cooler will remind you of a much simpler time. A time when you were poor but still wanted to get drunk. A time when you had no lofty expectations or taste. [Read more...]