DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you, and you can flirt in your sweatpants while eating peanut butter out of the jar! Win, right?

While you may or may not find your soul mate via the Internet, you could very well procure a date or two or thirty seven! It’s important, however, to avoid making these mistakes that I will make for you right now. Us funny ladies usually think that the men are the ones at fault (with their “heYy sexYY LaydEe Lez Do It Now” or their “I want to slather you in my shaving cream and eat organic avocados off of you” messages), but sometimes, we can be at fault, too! We all have our inner creep, let’s not be too proud, here. Since we are just as capable of poor e-flirting, these are the worst messages to send when you are attempting to score a date via the World Wide Web (does anyone call it that anymore? No. No one does. Okay).

Hey!  So, I read your profile, and I also LOVE all of the bands, books, music, movies, and foods you like. We have SO MUCH IN COMMON, it’s almost like we’re related! Except not really haha lol jk. Let’s hang out!

Just a heads up, “it’s almost like we’re related” might be the kicker here.

OMG do I know you in real life?

Ten out of ten times I know what people I know in real life look like, even when I find them on the internet, unless their profile pictures are abstract art in place of a face, in which case most moderators would have taken the pictures down already. [Read more...]

“I Can’t Believe I Had Sex With You” – Valentine Music Vid by MVPleez – Natalie Wall

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With Valentine’s Day now upon us, there is only one thing we single ladies can do: shudder at our regrettable sexual lovers. All. Of. Them.

It’s okay. We all have our past sexual anguishes. No judgment. Revel in your past drunken stupidity, by drinking even more. It’s a vicious cycle really, but it’s the only way mistakes are made.

So grab a bottle of three-dollar wine, order that free Papa John’s pizza you won from the Super Bowl coin-toss, and commiserate with the ladies of MVPleez about letting that scab kiss your boobs. Repeatedly.

And cry. You should probably cry, too. Like, a lot.

MVPleez is Monica West and Valentine Bureau. Two ladies from NYC who turn their every day lives into music videos. Because, well, why wouldn’t you?
www.MVPleez.com * follow us! https://twitter.com/#!/MVPleez

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

How To Get Over That Guy In Six Surprisingly Easy Steps – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM
So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single lady, it was not going to last for too long, despite the initial honeymoon phase. Now that I’m eating solid foods again and have begun eating “happy” feelings (because I never stopped eating my feelings), I feel the need to share some things I’ve learned in this coping process. You see, when I was sad, I turned to the only place where I knew to get advice on how to get over a guy who isn’t into you – The Internet. Needless to say, I did not get the best advice. So here I am, ladies, telling you how to really get over that guy that you didn’t date that long but still crushed your spirits for a week or something.

 

1. Make a list of all of the flaws he MIGHT have had

This always works. Since you didn’t get to see all of his flaws, since it didn’t last that long, he could have very well had a lot of things wrong with him. Imagine the guy that crushed you saying he hates kittens, babies, sunshine, people, and orgasms! He definitely never said it, but the more you think that thought…I swear, it works.

 

2. Find a tweet that you wrote the day of your first date, to show you just how powerful you were before you met him.

Here’s one of mine:

 

 

3. Find a tweet that you wrote during the course of this short dating whirlwind to show you just how not funny you were while dating someone.

For instance:

 

 

 
[Read more...]

Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date – Mallory Schlossberg

I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not have even told you about them. However, as your resident All-Things-Man Guru, I am here to help aid in your valiant search for a decent dude. None of these guys are. These guys are dudes who present red flag warning signs. Maybe you’ll go out on a first date with them, but I wouldn’t say they are keepers. Sleep with at your own peril. Wait — DON’T!

1. Bug Guy
No – this is not the guy whose apartment is crawling with bugs. (That’s Dirty Guy, but you knew about him, right?). This is the guy who casually mentions that he has bed bugs. Then you start drinking. Then he casually invites you over. He assumes you forgot about that offhand comment about his current living situation. But you did not, right Smart Funny Lady Compatriot Of Mine? (Right? Please, oh God, say you did!) I mean, I’m not an environmental scientist or anything, but I do live in the city and I’m pretty sure that if you go into a bed with bed bugs and you are a warm blooded human that you’ll get bitten. I mean, I’m just saying.

2. Objecti-Guy
“I just want you to know that I am currently sexualizing you in my head,” said a guy who should never get laid.

3. Hawaiian Shirt Guy
This is judgmental of me, but the Hawaiian shirt generally represents a series of unfortunate events to come. The Hawaiian shirt is actually a silent way of saying, “hey, I’m just a real awesome, chill, fun guy,” which no awesome, chill, fun guy ever said. To that end, [Read more...]

10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
  [Read more...]

How to Resuscitate Chivalry (It’s Dead) – Slutty but Funny

Slutty but Funny

by Natalie Wall

America. Let’s talk.

Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, my lady-parts having friends.  But when did it officially choke on the big one?

Someone’s got some explaining to do.

Seriously, who was the one lady who ruined it for all of us? Who was the one to say, “Look…I’m cute…and funny…and can hold a decent conversation about politics/theology/deep fried Twinkies…now ignore my phone calls and force me to undo your belt- buckle…and I’ll be obsessed with you forever, my little Douche McDouchster, you…because quite honestly, that’s how every lady wants to be treated…like a turd.” [Read more...]

Excuse Me Starring Angela Trimbur and Cy Carter

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