K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

art
There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day – Bieber is no Reader

dope of the daybeebs

Justin Bieber just passed his high school equivalency exam, and apparently, he’s really stoked to be done.

“At school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. I’m really not into that stuff. I like to be out there.”

Usually, he hires a Harvard grad to read him his assignments and a Yalie to do his writing.

“It’s awesome!  They don’t cost that much, and when they wear out I just buy new ones.  And sometimes I make them have chicken fights in the pool when we’re just kickin’ it after a show.”

All right, I made up that second quote, but the first one’s real.  And this from a kid looked up to by millions of impressionable, hormone-fueled tweens.  He also said that his jet-setting lifestyle has enabled him to travel the world and that’s given him a different perspective. [Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day – Unknown

dope of the dayIt’s hard to tell who The Dope of the Day is here. Is it the copy editor, the ad agency or the company which signed off on the stupid ad? Or is it the student who read the thing and thought “These are the perfect people to guide me to the future of my dreams”? Or is it me, for obsessing about an internet sidebar ad instead of… I don’t know… working?

Then again, should you want to “Pursue a Career in SOCIAL WORKER,” you’ve clearly found your path.

social-dope

[Read more...]

Dope of the Day – K A B L O O E Y

dope of the dayToday’s Dope of the Day cemented his victory by uttering the phrase “You must be confusing pain with pressure.”

 Do you think that gem was crafted by:

 A) my dealer

B) my dominatrix

C) my psychiatrist

D) none of the above

 If you answered “D,” give yourself a sloppy kiss. [Read more...]