EAT THIS! Too-Damn-Early-Breakfast Casserole

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I don’t do mornings well… or at all. So imagine my utter fit-throwing when I decided to go to bed at about 1 in the AM after a wild-night of Facebooking only to discover that I had to fix breakfast for 60 people in the morning for church. There was No. Freakin’. Way. After I whined and wished upon a star that we could just skip Sunday all together, I quickly ran to Hellmart and grab my supplies, dumped it all in the crockpot and went to sleep hoping for the best. As it turns out, it was pretty good!

Ingredients

  • 1 20-oz bag of frozen shredded hashbrowns (if you’re felling all Pioneer-Woman-ish you can absolutely shred your own potatoes or dice them whatever – knock yourself out! As for me and my house, we will buy frozen.)
  • 18 large eggs
  • 2 c milk
  • 3 c shredded cheese, any kind you wish. I used 2 c of cheddar and 1 c of mozzarella (Again, shred your own if you’re self-righteous and whatnot and have unlimited time on your hands; I am not above buying the pre-shredded stuff)
  • 1 pkg of pre-cooked bacon, chopped (Seeing a theme here? Do not work if you don’t have to!) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Lasagna a la Leftovers

leftovers-lasagna

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

This year I thought the Quartering Act of the American Revolution had been reinstated for Christmas, and I made enough for me and mine and approximately half of the 101st Airborne Squadron.  When the day came to an end, I threw every left over in it’s own plastic container in the freezer.  This week, I discovered I don’t have any plastic containers, so I pulled out all the leftovers.  At the sight of the leftovers, my family – very supportively – said, “Ahhhh, hellz to the no, Momma!”  (Direct quote from Tween Daughter) I had to think quick…So I made lasagna.

Ingredients:

2 c leftover stuffing or dressing (however you say it at your house)

1 c chicken stock

2 c leftover turkey or chicken or ham (whatever you eat at your house)

2 c leftover gravy

1 can’s worth of whatever leftover veggies you have (or, if you just tossed the inconsequential veggies down the drain on the big day like someone you know and love use a can of your favorite vegetables – favorite?  Who has a favorite… just a can, drained, of whatever kind of veggies are in your pantry )

1 c of your favorite shredded cheese (cheese makes everything better, can I get an “Amen?”) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Granny Collins Casserole

funny recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My hubby’s family tells tales of a family legend, Granny Collins and her renowned casserole. Soon after joining the family, I got a taste and it instantly became one of my all-time favorites. But Granny Collins was not a health nut.  And in our new year’s effort to be a more healthy family, I have transformed this recipe into a healthy version of its formerly fat-filled self.  And… it’s only 2 points for the whole thing!*

*I haven’t a clue as to how many points it is.  I could never figure out the whole points system and was asked to leave the points-assigning weight-loss group after a month of stepping on the scale, screaming, “What the Eff!!” and then asking to be points tutored yet again.

Ingredients

2 lbs of ground beef  ground turkey

1 brick of cream cheese  fat-free cream cheese

1 8 oz tub of sour cream  fat-free sour cream [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Holiday Crystal Meth Plate

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Natalie Wall

If there is anything that brings the children scampering around the holiday garbage can fire, it’s Holiday Crystal Meth and Crack Rocks. One of my personal favorites holiday treats, based purely on its sugar addiction factor and quick preparation time.

Holiday Crystal Meth

Ingredients:

1. One local Wal-Mart/CVS/Bottom Dollar

2. One pair of scissors

3. One hammer

4. Plastic candy dish-preferably holiday related

5. 4 Bags of rock candy

Instructions:

First you will need to locate your local Wal-Mart or other fine discount retailers. Once that task is completed, step out of your car/bike/public transportation of choice and locate the candy aisle or as I like to call it, “The Impending Type-2 Diabetes” aisle. Grab at least 4 bags of rock candy. I usually buy at least 8, but that’s based solely on my low blood sugar and lack of self-respect.

Next, locate the self-checkout lines. No one needs to see this moment. [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Ball Cookies

funny balls recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My momma didn’t like saying balls, so she called them Pearl Cookies, but where’s the fun in offering someone “pearl cookies”? Wouldn’t it be so much better to say, “Would you like some balls?” or “Have you tried these balls?” or “Pop one of these balls in your mouth.”  And this recipe is very versatile:  If you want white balls, you can roll ‘em in powdered sugar.  If you want hairy balls, you can roll them in coconut.  If you want lumpy balls, you can roll them in chopped nuts.  If you want blue balls, you can make the whole recipe naked and then just throw them in the freezer without eating any!   [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Oprah’s Favorite Cookies (not that Oprah)

oprahs-favorite-cookies

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

By Suniverse ~ That’s right, bitches – I bake, too.

Makes about 4 dozen [I got 46 and am desperately trying to let go of the fact that the last dozen was not complete] [It’s not going well]

Ingredients

2 ¼ cups flour
1tsp kosher salt
1tsp baking soda [Go ahead, use the one that’s deodorizing your fridge, I won’t tell anyone]
¾ cup packed light brown sugar
¾ cup sugar
2 sticks butter, softened [or nuke it for about 10 or so seconds if you forgot, like some people did]
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
3 cups chocolate chips, various flavors [I used semi-sweet, dark and white*]
A little extra kosher salt, if you’re feeling saucy

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line 2 or 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper.  Sure, you could just use ungreased cookie sheets, but what are you, an animal? Also, this way you won’t have to wash the cookie sheets after you’ve used them – you just toss the parchment paper. You’re welcome. [Read more...]

Eat This! Loaded Balls

 

christmas-balls-funny

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

Be sure to tell your guests to keep a napkin handy because these balls are juicy and will squirt in their mouths and dribble down their chins if they aren’t careful. Some might swallow; some might try it, but spit it out; and many guests won’t even eat them after you tell them this and that would leave more for you!

3 slices bread, cubed (or if you have a child who decided to make bread soup by dumping a whole loaf of bread in a bowl of water the day you decided to cook these, you could just use 1 cup of bread crumbs)

1 c milk

1 egg

½ t garlic salt

1 t salt

½ c chopped celery (or celery seed for the picky husband who refuses to eat celery, but doesn’t notice one single bit when you use celery seed)

½ c chopped onion

1 lb hamburger

1 lb hot sausage (bulk)

(Or you can do 2 lbs hamburger or 2 lbs turkey if you’re all “Biggest Loser” and whatnot) [Read more...]

Eat This! German Christmas Stollen

funny christmas recipe

German Christmas Stollen- a family recipe as flavorless as it accusing
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Traci Foust and Max Petersen

Looking for the perfect Secret Santa gift? Need a holiday dessert to let your guests know your cooking sparkles as bright as the star that lead the wise men to baby Jesus? Here’s an authentic and extremely complicated German recipe to show all your loved ones you’re totally fine with settling for their friendship. It’s German Christmas Stollen. Literally translated the word means, mineshaft, a fitting Germanic symbol of how low your enthusiasm will sink once you figure out Trader Joe’s has a whole rack of these dry, tasteless cakes for half of what you’ll spend to make one. This recipe comes with American instructions and was given to me by my Berlinese boyfriend ,who every year around tannenbaum time, kicks me out of my own kitchen with a warning that I not assist his baking in any way lest I, “Fuck the whole thing up with my decorative sprinkles and Americaness.”

Also, the word stollen when said quickly sounds like Stalin which somehow makes everything feel more Christmasy.   
Total prep and cook time: 2-3 excruciating hours

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon active dry yeast. If you’re using American yeast, skip the “active” part and look for a packet that’s drinking a Pepsi while sitting in front of The Kardashians.
  • 2/3 cup warm milk (110 degrees F/45 degrees C) You may microwave the milk or warm things up with romantic German phrases such as, “If I don’t like your hairstyle I will let you know” or “We can hold hands once the ferry has started and things have calmed down a bit.” [Read more...]