Cheeeken in a Can and Butter Cookies

BITE ME! Food and Whine on FnS

My mother was a fancy lady. She never cooked, nor cleaned, nor kept up a home. She had grown up in South America, with “servants.” That’s the word she used for the help they had around her house. They had a servant for bed making, sweeping, cooking, market shopping, and small child watching. They even had one to feed my older sister’s pet howler monkey.

When she moved to the United States, that all had to stop. No maids here, but at least there were appliances. Still, the shock of do-it-yourself life along with the unwilling attitude on her part to have to learn how to do for herself, birthed a lot of meal time horror stories.

She couldn’t cook worth a lick. [Read more...]

Keeping It Real – Like the Pioneer Woman

A Pioneer Woman Parody by Heather Davis.


On Saturday mornings, when we raise our heads at the crack of dawn (or about 3 hours afterwards), we like to have a nice family breakfast (when we’re lucky enough to have all the ingredients together – otherwise it’s each man for himself!). We start with gathering the eggs. Expiration dates? Did you know there are expiration dates on eggs? Really? You did? I had no clue. But I say, screw it! They’re pasteurized, right? Besides, if I get sick, the stay in the hospital will be a nice break … I’m just keeping it real, here!

sausage
Lucky us! We found some sausage! The expiration date is very important on sausage; however, it was on the part of the package that is no longer with the sausage. There were no fumes or green tints, so we used it.  This sausage is not organic or freshly ground.  I don’t believe in actually making my own sausage. I do believe in buying the cheapest, fattiest sausage I can find at Hellmart, which I live just down the street from.  I’m just keeping it real here! [Read more...]

For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious. [Read more...]

FnS Hot Shit Cinco De Mayo Salsa

cincodemayosalsa
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I would really like to be one of those chicks who gardens all spring and summer long and shares her bounty with neighbors and starving children. But, I’m not. I grow dandelion trees. Trees. And you can’t eat dandelion trees. Or at least I’m not going to eat that. Despite my lack of a green thumb, earth-hugging, farmer’s-market rope sandal lifestyle, I do make a really great salsa.

I get all the freshly-grown stuff I need at Hellmart, which gets it from some third-world farming nation paying the farmers three-cents per case of peppers. That’s savings that’s passed on to me. [Read more...]

Eat This! Carrot Cake or Bust

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I was in, like, total desperate need of a miracle, for sure. I needed my breasts to be bitchin’ and now! Then, heaven sent a miracle to me in the form on John Hughes and his gnarly story of every almost-16 year old in the world. In 16 Candles, Samantha is fraught for her boobal region to expand so she eats carrots in the hopes of her budding bosom developing into big ol’ honkin’ hooters. Well, if Molly Ringwald did it, it must be legit.

I ate carrots like Ms. Pacman ate ghosts. As I’d devour a carrot in the lunchroom, the Preppies would all cheer and congratulate me. “Awesome to the Max!” they’d holler.

One weekend I went to a totally tubular party and watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the movie, Linda and Stacy are eating carrots in their lunchroom. Clearly, natural breast enhancement is universal. Then, Linda advises Stacy to just slide it in. Like, gag me. They’re practicing BJs! Those preps with their up-turned collars and their tight-rolled 504 button-flies weren’t congratulating me; they were laughing at me, duh!

I had to do something, like, totally radical to get my carrots. So, I made carrot cake cupcakes. I sat with the hosers in the school cafeteria. And I’m still a B cup. [Read more...]

Eat This! Give-me-chocolate-or-give-me-death Brownies


Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

Every month there comes a time when a woman just wants to be comforted and only chocolate will do. I do not care how totally awesome your new boyfriend is; he will not do. I do not care if your husband held your hair back through 56 weeks of morning sickness; he’s not what you will want. LOOK! Unless it’s that time when YOU need your chocolate, you just won’t get it, so go ahead and shut up and read the recipe! File it away until your Aunt Flow starts knocking on your door then make it. You’re welcome. Geez…

Ingredients

  • 1 pkg large fudge brownie mix
    (No it doesn’t matter what brand. Just grab a box – any box – as long as it is the “large” kind. It might say “family” but you will not be sharing these with your family.)
  • 1 6-oz container vanilla yogurt
    (Trust me: This is not healthy. You will like it.)
  • 1/3 c butter, softened
    (Real butter. Do not think that margarine or canola oil or any of that other pansy-fake-butter-crap will do. It won’t.)
  • 1 t vanilla
    (If any of your super-lucky friends have been to Mexico lately, have them bring you back some Mexican vanilla. And some tequila. And a leather purse – everything’s a steal down there!) [Read more...]

Cooking with KABLOOEY: Why I Owe JennyMac an Apology

JennyMac, of Let’s Have a Cocktail, posts original recipes that sound so good I frequently bookmark them.  In my mind, this shows a lot of homemaker-y effort, and saves me from actually having to shop, cook and clean.   But every once in a while I decide to mangle a recipe (seriously - check out these babies,) and this soup sounded too easy and good to pass up.  My comments, in red, are the culinary equivalent of a cockpit recording from a doomed flight. [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Too-Damn-Early-Breakfast Casserole

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I don’t do mornings well… or at all. So imagine my utter fit-throwing when I decided to go to bed at about 1 in the AM after a wild-night of Facebooking only to discover that I had to fix breakfast for 60 people in the morning for church. There was No. Freakin’. Way. After I whined and wished upon a star that we could just skip Sunday all together, I quickly ran to Hellmart and grab my supplies, dumped it all in the crockpot and went to sleep hoping for the best. As it turns out, it was pretty good!

Ingredients

  • 1 20-oz bag of frozen shredded hashbrowns (if you’re felling all Pioneer-Woman-ish you can absolutely shred your own potatoes or dice them whatever – knock yourself out! As for me and my house, we will buy frozen.)
  • 18 large eggs
  • 2 c milk
  • 3 c shredded cheese, any kind you wish. I used 2 c of cheddar and 1 c of mozzarella (Again, shred your own if you’re self-righteous and whatnot and have unlimited time on your hands; I am not above buying the pre-shredded stuff)
  • 1 pkg of pre-cooked bacon, chopped (Seeing a theme here? Do not work if you don’t have to!) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Lasagna a la Leftovers

leftovers-lasagna

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

This year I thought the Quartering Act of the American Revolution had been reinstated for Christmas, and I made enough for me and mine and approximately half of the 101st Airborne Squadron.  When the day came to an end, I threw every left over in it’s own plastic container in the freezer.  This week, I discovered I don’t have any plastic containers, so I pulled out all the leftovers.  At the sight of the leftovers, my family – very supportively – said, “Ahhhh, hellz to the no, Momma!”  (Direct quote from Tween Daughter) I had to think quick…So I made lasagna.

Ingredients:

2 c leftover stuffing or dressing (however you say it at your house)

1 c chicken stock

2 c leftover turkey or chicken or ham (whatever you eat at your house)

2 c leftover gravy

1 can’s worth of whatever leftover veggies you have (or, if you just tossed the inconsequential veggies down the drain on the big day like someone you know and love use a can of your favorite vegetables – favorite?  Who has a favorite… just a can, drained, of whatever kind of veggies are in your pantry )

1 c of your favorite shredded cheese (cheese makes everything better, can I get an “Amen?”) [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Granny Collins Casserole

funny recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My hubby’s family tells tales of a family legend, Granny Collins and her renowned casserole. Soon after joining the family, I got a taste and it instantly became one of my all-time favorites. But Granny Collins was not a health nut.  And in our new year’s effort to be a more healthy family, I have transformed this recipe into a healthy version of its formerly fat-filled self.  And… it’s only 2 points for the whole thing!*

*I haven’t a clue as to how many points it is.  I could never figure out the whole points system and was asked to leave the points-assigning weight-loss group after a month of stepping on the scale, screaming, “What the Eff!!” and then asking to be points tutored yet again.

Ingredients

2 lbs of ground beef  ground turkey

1 brick of cream cheese  fat-free cream cheese

1 8 oz tub of sour cream  fat-free sour cream [Read more...]