New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

vajayawn

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:

 

Climacteric

Wymmin

Whynnnin

‘Ncryin

NoLubridownthere

Vajayawn

Es-tro-gone

Progestergroany

Chinhair

Crone

Sisterwife

Grandma Moses

Throwthetoasteroutthewindow

Defenestration [Read more...]

Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

Gobble Gobble – A Tale of Turkey Trepidation by Elizabeth Bastos

turkey trepidationMy holiday eating has swung like a pendulum through fashions. In college, I was a vegetarian. I gave the righteous stink-eye to my family as they were tucking in to the Thanksgiving bird. That’s an animal, I said. They were like, And? So? More dark meat for us.

Later, I became interested in farm to table like everyone else, and I ordered a bird through some Amish farmer cooperative in Pennsylvania. Later, I learned from an aunt in York that the Amish don’t necessarily treat their animals better than anyone else. So forget the Amish. The thing to do was to get a Kosher turkey, so the next year I did that. It was awfully salty. The pan juices reminded me of the months I spent in Israel.

I entertained the idea of hand-raising a turkey, but in high school when I went through a dorky aquarium-fish phase, I killed guppies. Accidentally. I just forgot to clean the aquarium for a year, my mind being on other things: Chris Nagy, the cutest brown-eyed blond thing in Western Pennsylvania that I knew. [Read more...]

Halloween Treats So Easy Even A Zombie Could Make Them

zombie fingers

Like the undead, most mothers stumble around the kitchen. Who has the life energy to stay up all night baking for the vampires’ (I mean kids’) school Halloween bake sales? Try these recipes. They are no-brainers.

The Pecan Boo!
To melted white chocolate, add a single pecan, orange food coloring…and leave it at that.

Trick or Treat or Whatever
Take a pretzel stick, tape black chenille pipe cleaner cat ears onto one end of it, if you really want to, which you really don’t, so just bring in the pretzel sticks.

Mini Pumpkin Pies
Purchase anything with the word “mini” and “pumpkin” and/or “pie” and/or “on sale” in the name, and then microwave on high, in short bursts. Insert lollypop sticks, or sticks you find lying around in the yard, and allow to cool completely.

Marshmallow Ghosts [Read more...]

Cookbooks? I Wouldn’t Dream Of Cooking From Them

someecards.com - I have a passion for not cooking

I don’t like cooking; I really like to think about cooking.

If I were a different person, say, a person who made coconut layer cakes I might make a coconut layer cake, but I am a defroster. A packet-opener. A dumper into pots of canned things. I warm things up, I mix things, I toss a mean salad. That’s what my husband says.

When I read cookbooks, it’s the same way that I read Architectural Digest; with no intention ever of fluffing throw pillows, or installing art from Oceania, or purchasing a pecan-wood sleigh bed. I read merely to live for a moment in another world. A world where there are heirloom acorn-fed pigs, and alpacas, and roast squab, and beets like jewels, and lardoons, and lardo, and the people who live in this world care about foams, and sous-vide, and the stable oven temperatures, and whatnot, like making a watermelon into a watermelon-flavored dust.

It all sounds so interesting. But would I do it? Hell no. It’s ridiculous the idea of an ice cream machine in my home, and the word “gelato.” This is why we have Italy, people, and professionals. So we can go there. [Read more...]

We’re Back to the 80s on Funny not Slutty

Hello, and welcome to Back to the 80′s on Funny not Slutty. We have what I feel is the funniest week in the history of FnS, and that’s pretty funny. Look for original and classic 80s videos, 80s themed memes, blog posts and even a fab 80′s jukebox procured by our graphic designer, Lakia Ross.

Special thanks to Killy Dwyer, the Funny not Slutty Fairy, and her crew, Bill Chambers and Craig Schober for producing 3 vid promos.

The contributors who made this week happen are: [Read more...]

Candy Girl – Elizabeth Bastos

The 80s were about Norwegian pop bands, eye-scorching neon, jelly bracelets, sweaters with absurd graphics that my pediatricians wore, and iron-on unicorns, but for me it was about candy. There was this store I’ll call Trifles because that was its name, Trifles.

Trifles was a gift store, with mugs by Sandra Boynton and whatnot, if you were over 40 and looking for a gift for your secretary. If you were a kid, it was a tooth-rot paradise. The smell was jarred chocolate raspberry sauce, greeting card, and vile gummi worm.  They’d sell alcoholic cordial candies to children, like me and my sister. The chocolate shell, the inner shell sugar, the inner inner shell, brandy, liquid, like the center of the earth. [Read more...]

Valentine Affirmations for Junior High School Girl Nerds in The 80s, Like Myself

80s Nerd Awesomeness

  1. This is, like, the perfect shade of frosted pink lipstick for me.
  2. My choice of perfume, Spring Forth Nimbly by Amplitude, is pretty awesome.
  3. I don’t care that Tanya got a singing telegram.
  4. Like my mom says, I’m big boned. So if, like, if girls were allowed to play ice hockey, I would, like, smack Tanya in the face accidentally with my stick, but my school is sooo sexist.
  5. I would also like to wrestle. Maybe Mr. Jones, the art teacher who is from San Diego (oh my god, California!) and makes still-lifes from milk containers that are kind of suggestive. At least to me.
  6. [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat

reindeer-poop-recipe

 

Dark Chocolate Truffles aka, “Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat”

 
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Elizabeth Bastos

1) Combine on top of a double boiler (if you care about that sort of fuss, you could also just nuke it in the microwave on ‘HI” until its melted) 1/4 cup strong coffee, 7 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips, 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate. 

2) Transfer to a mixing bowl. Add enough butter to feel fait from artery clog, just the way Santa felt before his guadruple bypass, about 1 1/4 sticks, cut in small pieces. Beat until smooth and glossy reindeer hide, though I have never seen reindeer hide. Just imagine it. The gloss. The smoothness. [Read more...]

Kid Still Life Vol. 2 – Elizabeth Bastos

 Among the crap of a life with kids can be found: Art. Toys, blocks, bikes, bike helmets, and leftover sandwiches that have been left just so, as if they are a still life done by an Old Master, if the Old Masters were a six-year-old boy with an interest in farting, and penguins.

I take pictures of what I find, and provide a title. Sometimes the result is poignant, reflecting something deep and humane in our nature, such as a pig sniffing a penguin’s butt, and sometimes it is funny.

I’ll believe in you if you believe in me

  [Read more...]