Kid Still Life – Elizabeth Bastos

Among the crap of a life with kids can be found: Art. Toys, blocks, bikes, bike helmets, and leftover sandwiches that have been left just so, as if they are a still life done by an Old Master, if the Old Masters were a six-year-old boy with an interest in farting, and penguins.

I take pictures of what I find, and provide a title. Sometimes the result is poignant, reflecting something deep and humane in our nature, such as a pig sniffing a penguin’s butt, and sometimes it is funny.
 

Among The Cool Birds, Pig, Trying Like Hell [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak – The Foods of Childhood

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

I subsisted on egg salad and cream cheese and liverwurst sandwiches as a child. Then, junior high hit and I was made to realize by my peers (evil, expert psychological torturers, other twelve year old girls) that eggs were not to be eaten. They were like, ewwwwww, gag me.

And liverwurst? You were a social leper for uttering the word liver even in science class, even on the hunt for it in a frog dissection. Never mind a word like wurst. It meant your grandparents were from somewhere besides the golf club, and you knew how totally uncool was that? Besides, who was cool who ate sausage? It was another way to say penis. Gnarly!

So I left liverwurst behind and became the kind of automaton junior high girl who eats the peanut butter and jelly on white bread and macaroni and cheese, the only acceptable cheese being orange American. I shunned the not-with-it newbies who lunchsacked in with the unholiest of unholies: tuna fish and pickle on wheat. Pickle! That was another name for that nasty thing boys had. Nasty and fascinating. Mostly nasty. Okay, a little interesting. Mostly nasty though. Pickle! [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak – Harvard Beets

harvard beets

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

There is a recipe for beets in The Joy of Cooking called “Harvard Beets.”  Beets  are not an Ivy League food; mizuna is, microgreens are, a coulis of frambois sauvage is, as is anything served in a terrine.  I’d be disappointed if my money and my kid were going to Harvard for $50,000 or one billion dollars or whatever tuition is and received the following text: Hi Mom. Go Crimson! BTW beets for dinner, again.

The closest anyone in my family may get to paying full-freight to Harvard is Harvard beets, so I made them just to get ever that much closer. I told the kids, “These beets will make you smart so that you will go to Harvard and become cardiologists and support me in my old age.”
“What about strong, Mom? I want to be strong.” My 5 year old son said.
 ”I want to be a princess.” said my 3 year old daughter. [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak – Doggy Bag

Doggy Bag

 Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

I am afflicted by what I call “ordering remorse.” It’s buyers remorse, but in a restaurant, with the food on my plate looking meh and he food on your plate looking fabulous. I get jealous. How did you know to order the lamb au jus with petit pois coulis? I didn’t understand a single word in the sentence our waiter used to describe it, except I believe petit pois means pea, in French, and “jus” sounds like juice, but it could be justice. [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak – Picky Eaters

What my kids used to eat was peanut butter on crackers, pasta with parmesan, yoghurt, but only banana flavored. The dinner table was a landscape of beige.
I pushed broccoli for a while, saying, “You could pretend you are a T.Rex eating a tree!”

T. Rexes are meat-eaters, Mom.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

Silence.

Me again: “What about a Brontosaurus?”

“Who wants to be an herbivore?” They said.  The dinosaurs were not on my side.

One night, after trying many different methods: the your granddad loves broccoli, the little Stevie across the street who gave you his old bike likes carrots, I became aggravated and blurted out, “You know, in this country called France, children eat frogs.” [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak: Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups


This is the first installation of Bubble and Squeak, a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

The Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups,
circa 1998

 

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Bar Peanuts

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Tequila Shot

Flaming Scorpion Bowl, very suggestively outfitted with two straws

Jalapeno Poppers

Nachos with Everything, including the vow I made to myself to be celibate forever; my last boyfriend was a jerk [Read more...]

The Risen Lord and The Easter Bunny

The Risen Lord and The Easter Bunny: A Dialogue by Elizabeth Bastos

The Risen Lord (rising from an attitude of contemplation): Easter Bunny, it seems that more and more people prefer you to me. Why is that?

The Easter Bunny: I am made of chocolate, Lord.

The Risen Lord: Ahh. Yes. But to those who believeth in me I offer eternal life!

The Easter Bunny (with submissive aspect): Amen, Lord. But, still you are not made of chocolate. And, with all due respect, Lord you’re not exactly…

The Risen Lord (beatifically): Go on, Bunny, I am a good listener. [Read more...]

My Life In Haircuts – Elizabeth Bastos

This one was called “Badger Hair”

 

Infancy

I came into this world with a fabulous head of straight black hair. It was barely apparent to me; I could focus on no object other than my mother’s breast that was all the time inches from my head. The things I could have done with my hair make me want to bite my knuckle (a breast substitute).

Youth

The glory that crowned me was greatly dimmed by my first haircut, in 1975. At that young age I could say some words, including, incredibly, “for the love of God, woman, don’t give me a bowl cut,” but she did anyway. [Read more...]