Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

image001

Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

Suburban Haiku ~ Peyton Price

cami photoThe funny ladies
age much better than the sluts
and get less TDs.

Dress code addendum:
extra coats of mascara
do not count as clothes.

It is nice weather
but not wifebeater weather,
Mom in spike heel boots.

Women of the burbs:
If it’s sold with underthings
wear it under things.

Consider cleavage
before showing up at school.
So, is this enough?

[Read more...]

Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

April2fts

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

[Read more...]

Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.
[Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – The Top 6 Trends for Fall 2012

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Summer is almost over, and the time has come to cover up your flesh, my saucy whores. But what are the trends for Fall 2012? I had no idea, so I went to the website StyleList.com to find out. Below, I have some of their/my picks for Fall. By the way, you should know that StyleList does not appreciate e-mails that both criticize their site while also asking for a job. Héléne Bouffant is blocked again.

My theme for fall is: “Don’t let that stop you!”
[Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – Back to School!

Congratulations, Funny Not Slutty readers.

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my first column for FNS.

Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

I have done it all. I have been fired, locked out, or ostracized from nearly every major fashion house. Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Forever 21 –  you name the brand, and I have undoubtedly burned them to the ground…..usually figuratively, but on some unfortunate occasions involving hot glue guns, literally.

For today’s column, I will be talking about “back to school” fashion. Normally I do not work with people under 6-feet-tall, but I shall make an exception for your small, sticky creatures.

As I began to look around to see what was “in” among smaller people, I was thrilled to find that some major fashion houses have started their own lines! Finally, someone looked at the market and said, “But what about the wealthy children? What shall THEY wear?” Well, Oscar de la Renta, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana now all offer options for the nose-picking set. After all, children are just teeny tiny adults. There’s no need to infantilize them.

Here are a few precious gems I found that are sure to make your child the envy of other children and – more importantly – most adults. [Read more...]

9 Reasons “Haute Couture” Sounds Like Someone Coughing Up a Loogey

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers, by Blythe Jewell

Dictionary.com’s definition of haute couture:

1. high fashion; the most fashionable and influential dressmaking and designing.
2. the fashions so created.
3. the leading dressmaking establishments in the world of fashion, considered collectively.

MY definition of haute couture:

1. huh?
2. what the– ?
3. really??!?

 Here’s why:

1. The Spiky Fan Thingy Outfit

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

 I totally wore this to work last week.  Felt really good about myself until the plant lady tried to water me.

2.  The Mexican Mariachi-Waitress Look

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

Excuse me, miss?  Miss?  I’m sorry, but our table is out of tortilla chips.  Would you mind tilting your head over this way?

 We also need more queso, when you have a chance. [Read more...]