Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

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Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

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God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.
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Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – The Top 6 Trends for Fall 2012

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Summer is almost over, and the time has come to cover up your flesh, my saucy whores. But what are the trends for Fall 2012? I had no idea, so I went to the website StyleList.com to find out. Below, I have some of their/my picks for Fall. By the way, you should know that StyleList does not appreciate e-mails that both criticize their site while also asking for a job. Héléne Bouffant is blocked again.

My theme for fall is: “Don’t let that stop you!”
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10 Popular Trends in Wedding Guest Dresses

by Blythe Jewell

Every wedding is different, every guest is special. Some of us are there to celebrate the sanctity of marriage, others are there to get drunk, get laid, eat their weight in wedding cake or some combination thereof. Let’s take a look at some of the hottest trends in wedding guest garb this season.

10. The “Your Gift Will Totally Be Something I Made With A Hot Glue Gun and Popsicle Sticks” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  The “I Really, REALLY Need to Find a Sugar Daddy To Help Me Pay for These Things” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  The “I Like Cats Just a *Little* Too Much” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  The “Playing This Off Like I’m Cultural and Stuff But Really I Just Want to Eat the Entire Wedding Cake Without Worrying About Stomach Pooch” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  The “Only Way I’m Getting Any Attention Today is by Piggybacking on the Cuteness of My Kid So I’m Going Whole Hog” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  The “Just Got Dumped So Now I’m Planning to Get Wasted and Blow a Groomsman at the Reception” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  The “Took that Whole Royal Wedding Thing Just A Tiny Bit Too Seriously” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  The “I’m Hiding Your Gift in One Of My Flaps” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  The “Last Wedding I Attended, My Husband Took Sister Wife” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 . Top Wedding Guest Dress Trend –   The “Don’t Care if I Have to Run Over my Own Grandma – I’m Catching That Fucking Bouquet” Dress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

FnS Interview – Comedian and Style Pundit Erika Wasser

  Comedian Erika Wasser 

Erika Wasser is a rising NY comedian and humorist with an affinity for fashion. She shares her unique bravado about the modern woman’s everyday world in her stand up, in a weekly column InTouch Magazine, and on The Tyra Banks Show.

   

If you could banish one fashion style, what would it be?
Plaid shirts and being dirty as looking cool. Why people wear those lumberjack shirts, made for those who are cutting trees, when all they’re doing is smoking trees is beyond me. If unemployment had a uniform, all of the lower east side would be it. I don’t get it. Dress for the job you want – not the one you don’t have. Also, when did it become OK not to shower, yet the ‘cheek kiss hello’ is still in. When people in plaid and unwashed hair go in to say hello, I say “wait right there and don’t take another step unless you want a hello and my dermatology bill” – it’s just plain gross. And then these same over confident ‘I don’t need to be clean to be cool’ people are the same ones who want to hit on you?!! If you go out looking like you’ve rolled out of bed, be prepared to roll back into bed… alone. Second on the list: Flip Flops… unsanitary, unsightly… need I continue?    

 What’s the most embarrassing ensemble you look back on ever having worn?
I was responsible for bringing Ugg boots to my high school, which was a boarding school in Upstate New York. Way before the Uggs took off, I also paired these sad excuses for shoes with a barely there denim mini skirt, and an array of “emo-esque” pink skull t-shirts that were too tight. I looked like a hooker who wanted to be lazy about it. My t-shirts suggested I was depressed, my lack of ability to put real shoes on confirmed it. The yearbook actually touted my ‘fashion sense’ and featured me, and my signature look. I realize now that they were mocking me but at the time I really thought I looked sexy-cool. Looking back, I think my friend and fellow comic Veronica Mosey says it best, “There’s a reason strippers aren’t wearing ugg boots”. Also, they were made for surfers. New rule of thumb: When the last thing you surfed was the internet, either go get yourself a long board, or go buy a decent pair of shoes.   

Why is it so hard to find a man who dresses well? [Read more...]