Customer Review: OBaby! Easy Entry Sex Swing ~ Lauren Krueger

o-baby

 

18 in stock

First of all, let me express my confusion and disappointment that this product is only available for purchase through something called “Amazon Dom.” The free shipping I usually enjoy through regular Amazon Mom would have gone a long way towards making me a happier customer. After all the price of the product was what initially drew me in, as it is considerably less expensive than any other baby swing on the market. Saving money is very important to me, as a new mom! :)

But I guess you get what you pay for, and maybe I should have expected something was wrong right from the beginning. When the name of your product has a glaring typo in it, that’s a serious example of carelessness. And while black is, I suppose, a “[uni]sex” color, green or orange would have been a little cheerier and baby-appropriate.

Let’s talk about the product’s functionality. This swing has consistently received 5 stars from everyone else, and I really don’t understand how that can be. The packaging has a cartoon of a sassy, playful mom on it (trying out the swing, herself!), and that gave me confidence that I would be able to assemble this swing on my own. At first glance I noticed the rugged construction of the straps and handles, which were indeed big enough to fit my own hands and feet. Clearly my five-month-old daughter, Meadowlark, would be able to use this swing well into her teen years! [Read more...]

What Your Halloween Costume Says To the World Infographic – K A B L O O E Y

costume-says

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

 

Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes

makeup-on-the-cheap

No car insurance? Oh well. No food money?  As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation?  We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE.

Let us, friends, discuss a poor girl’s take on makeup….

I’ll start right at the beginning.  I wake up and probably have some makeup on from the previous day, creased, caked, and smudgy, my eyes an especially gross event that requires vicious rubbing and picking while I figure out who has to go to the bathroom more urgently, myself or the dog.  The dog statistically has a 85 percent chance of establishing importance in this decision, and I end up immediately regretting it as my urgency goes up by 15 points after stepping out into the ever chilly morning (err noonish) air.

Once the pup has had all his needs taken care of (outside, breakfast, sufficient amount of morning recognition in the form of various pets) I step into the bathroom to do step 1 of my morning stuff.  Step 1 is wash face.  Washing face is essential since my face is covered in previously mentioned leftover makeup as well as drool no doubt.  I want to point out that the face washing situation is very simple. I do not have toner, I don’t have a special wash for certain days or situations, and I don’t have a special sponge, wipe or towel.  I have face wash, the same face wash the boyfriend uses, with little beads of something in it , and the word” Morning” on it in yellow or bright blue.  I use a very small amount, not to conserve as you would assume but because it dries my face out too much as I’m older and my skin is not as greasy and I should have put lotion on it before I went to bed anyway, BUT a poor girl cannot afford face lotion for night and day, that’s like a $9 an hour job luxury. [Read more...]

“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

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Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

AnnFlournoy
Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Sparkhttp://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Loghttp://thelouiselog.com

 

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

 

Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Funniest on the planet awards

Sponsored by The Louise Log

1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female

Tina Fey – Winner!

 

2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male

Louis CK – Winner!

 

3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet – Television

Kristin Wiig – Winner!

  [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

gopher 2
God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date – Mallory Schlossberg

I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not have even told you about them. However, as your resident All-Things-Man Guru, I am here to help aid in your valiant search for a decent dude. None of these guys are. These guys are dudes who present red flag warning signs. Maybe you’ll go out on a first date with them, but I wouldn’t say they are keepers. Sleep with at your own peril. Wait — DON’T!

1. Bug Guy
No – this is not the guy whose apartment is crawling with bugs. (That’s Dirty Guy, but you knew about him, right?). This is the guy who casually mentions that he has bed bugs. Then you start drinking. Then he casually invites you over. He assumes you forgot about that offhand comment about his current living situation. But you did not, right Smart Funny Lady Compatriot Of Mine? (Right? Please, oh God, say you did!) I mean, I’m not an environmental scientist or anything, but I do live in the city and I’m pretty sure that if you go into a bed with bed bugs and you are a warm blooded human that you’ll get bitten. I mean, I’m just saying.

2. Objecti-Guy
“I just want you to know that I am currently sexualizing you in my head,” said a guy who should never get laid.

3. Hawaiian Shirt Guy
This is judgmental of me, but the Hawaiian shirt generally represents a series of unfortunate events to come. The Hawaiian shirt is actually a silent way of saying, “hey, I’m just a real awesome, chill, fun guy,” which no awesome, chill, fun guy ever said. To that end, [Read more...]

4 Fashion Predictions for 2014 by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!

I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!

You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.

But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”

Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant –  plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.

And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:

Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.

funny men in mustache style

Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES! [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Christmas Edition

suniverse-christmas

 

Dear Suniverse,

The tradition is to visit family on Xmas day for dinner. How do you politely decline but still get all the shit they bought for you?

Is it rude to hump your husband in the guest bathroom? When you have guests in the guest bedroom?

How do you get your kids what they want but not go broke until next payday?

Arnebya, What Now and Why

 

Dear Arnebya,

First of all, why aren’t you inviting me over?  I totally won’t buy you a crappy gift, and I will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the shenanigans in the bathroom.

Second of all – holy Christmas miracle, that’s a lot of angst for the holidays.

Here’s the deal.  Everyone expects the holidays to suck for them, and in general, they will.  While most people try and tell you that everyone goes into the holiday season with great expectations about how happy and jolly everyone and everything is going to be, they are a bunch of fucking liars. [Read more...]

A Child’s Guide To Increasing The Likelihood of Getting What You Want For Christmas by Alexandra

1.   Don’t fight.

2.   If you do fight, fight in hissy whispering.

3.   Don’t sass

4.   If your mom asks you if you sassed back, say “No, ma’am, I was just clarifying.”

5.   Don’t hit.

6.   If you do hit, hide it like you were walking past your brother or sister and tripped.

7.   Even if it’s hard, mind your own business.

8.   If you don’t mind your own business, tell your parents you were just worried about your sibling’s safety. Because you love them.

9.   No name-calling.

10.  If you do name call, say you meant it as a term of endearment. “Oh you little poopyface. I love you.”

11.  No swearing.

12.  If you do swear, blame it on your parents losing their hearing. “Mom I did not say I hope he gets his ass destroyed. I said, ‘I hope you get your asteroid’ for Christmas.”

13.  Do your homework every night.

14.  If you don’t do your homework every night, pretend to be holding your U.S. History book open on your lap, with your Nintendo hidden inside.

15.  Try new foods your parents make for dinner.

16.  If you don’t like the new foods, spread them around on your plate so they look like less and then say “Boy that was so good I just wish I hadn’t eaten a whole bag of popcorn at school right before you picked me up.”

17.  Do your chores.

18.  If you don’t do your chores, make it look like you did your chores–keep the area under your bed as a free space so you can jam your toys, books, clothes in there at the last minute.

19.  Don’t lie.

20.  If you do lie, say all the double negatives in your parents’ question mixed you up. You meant to say you did NOT not not do it.

21.  Take a shower, brush and floss, comb your hair, change your underwear, make your bed, and be polite. If you don’t take a shower, get the shower door wet. If you don’t brush or floss, get the toothbrush wet and leave a string of floss on the counter. If you don’t comb your hair, leave a brush sitting next to the sink. If you don’t change your underwear, just put a ball of clean ones in the laundry basket, if you don’t make your bed, just throw the top blanket over everything like you’re going on a picnic.

22. You can’t fake the Be Polite — Hold the door open for everyone, say Happy Holidays to everyone, smile at everyone.

Just forget numbers 1 through 21. Do only number 22, and you’ll win your parents’, your grandparents’, your teachers’, and your siblings’ hearts for the holidays.

 

AlexandraAlexandra

Alexandra is an overanalyzing, oversensitive mother of three boys who somehow found herself named as BlogHer ’11′s Voice of The Year for Humor. She has been a mother since 1994, which means she hasn’t been right about anything since. She blogs of the sweet and the funny while trying to go unnoticed in her small town. You can find her at Good Day, Regular People. Did we mention socially awkward? We should, which is why the internet was made for her.