Memoirs of My America – Dream Whisperer

One of the very first things we had to do when we woke up as little children, was to find our grandmother and tell her our dreams from the night.

She mentally had the Field Guide to dream interpretation as the backdrop of her mind. My Abuela knew it all; the meaning behind the color of the dress you wore, or whether your hair was loose or pulled tight. You’d present the facts, she’d pose a few questions back to you, and there you’d have it: what your subconscious was trying to tell you.

I’m lucky enough to still remember some of her interpretations and now it’s my children who come to the breakfast table and in between spoonfuls of Frosted Flakes, tell me about the mouse in their dream that tried to come in through the wall behind their bed.

I always begin with the first line of action: information-gathering. [Read more...]

Your New Slutty but Funny Associate Editor – Natalie Wall

Natalie Wall
Did this slutty but funny lady finally put on her big girl panties this week? Why yes, yes she did.

There’s nothing like a good ol’ heartbreak to force you to get your shit back together and focus, and for me it has resulted in being appointed the associate editor at this lovely web site. Some of you call it “Funny not Slutty,” I call it Mecca.

Two years ago, Funny not Slutty publisher Jacki Schklar told me I had a gift and real talent when it came to writing. She told me this in a moment when I really really needed to hear that; nothing like adult braces and living with your parents after graduation for a year to make you slightly depressed and question all your aspirations and goals in life.

And let’s be real, your parents can only tell you that, “you are their favorite little humor writer,” for so long.

She trusted me so much that Jacki gave me a chance to spread my writing wings with my very own column, aptly named “Slutty but Funny”, where per usual I was constantly late with deadlines, posts and story ideas….and still am.

Yet, here I am two years later, and Jacki still trusts me. Why? I have no fucking clue, she probably shouldn’t. But don’t tell Jacki I said that.

She again, came to me in a moment when I needed someone the most. Someone to tell me that I was making the right choice in not choosing the typical 9-5 job that would result in no time to write, someone to tell me that basically throwing away my college degree and following my gut was the right thing to do.

She did the greatest thing ever and asked if I wanted to be “Funny not Slutty’s” Associate Editor, in which I responded in the classiest of classy ways, “Fuck yes!”

My only hope as your Associate Editor, is that I can help deliver the best female comedy website to you …while still being slightly slutty.

But don’t worry, I got the “being slightly slutty” part in the bag! Now let’s do some funny shit.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – Back to School!

Congratulations, Funny Not Slutty readers.

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my first column for FNS.

Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

I have done it all. I have been fired, locked out, or ostracized from nearly every major fashion house. Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Forever 21 –  you name the brand, and I have undoubtedly burned them to the ground…..usually figuratively, but on some unfortunate occasions involving hot glue guns, literally.

For today’s column, I will be talking about “back to school” fashion. Normally I do not work with people under 6-feet-tall, but I shall make an exception for your small, sticky creatures.

As I began to look around to see what was “in” among smaller people, I was thrilled to find that some major fashion houses have started their own lines! Finally, someone looked at the market and said, “But what about the wealthy children? What shall THEY wear?” Well, Oscar de la Renta, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana now all offer options for the nose-picking set. After all, children are just teeny tiny adults. There’s no need to infantilize them.

Here are a few precious gems I found that are sure to make your child the envy of other children and – more importantly – most adults. [Read more...]

We’re Back to the 80s on Funny not Slutty

Hello, and welcome to Back to the 80′s on Funny not Slutty. We have what I feel is the funniest week in the history of FnS, and that’s pretty funny. Look for original and classic 80s videos, 80s themed memes, blog posts and even a fab 80′s jukebox procured by our graphic designer, Lakia Ross.

Special thanks to Killy Dwyer, the Funny not Slutty Fairy, and her crew, Bill Chambers and Craig Schober for producing 3 vid promos.

The contributors who made this week happen are: [Read more...]

Announcing ~ Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest Winners!

Enter the Funny not Slutty Thank you to all our contest participants and to Flytrap for sponsoring the Fns Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest!

EVERYONE’S a WINNER! Buy a GOOD VALENTINE from Flytrap using order code BADVALENTINE for 15% off Valentine items. Expires February 15.

My judging process was to rate essays from 1-10 in funniness (it’s a word because I say so) and quality of writing. I added the two numbers for final scores. Here are the results and winning entries:

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

1st Prize Flytrap Package: A Flytrap Card, a Sticky, a Littles and a (gasp) Boink Journal!

2nd Place – Amy Pannell

2nd Prize Flytrap Package: A Card and some Littles!

Honorable mentions – KiKi, Becca and Jotter Girl

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

“Bad Valentine”. A sonnet by Wilhelmina Shakespeare.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art just as sweaty and akin to the hairy-backed man at thy community pool. [Read more...]

Remember the Cool – Hall and Oates

hall-and-oates-funny

I realize that sometimes things are so uncool that they’re cool. I learned the inverse of this concept when flipping through a baby name book my mother had bought before I was born, which listed “Megan” in the section “Names so in, they’re out ,” which pretty much means that, as a fetus, I was already doomed to a life of being just a few indie rock references short of an OC episode. I also realize that there are some things which people love “ironically,” and this just pisses me off, because I’m really into sincerity. I’ve only based, like, three of my past four relationships on lies regarding either my sexual history, religion, or feelings toward Arcade Fire.

Anyways, this column is a list of things that aren’t cool but should be because I have declared them awesome: [Read more...]

Dope of the Day – K A B L O O E Y

dope of the dayToday’s Dope of the Day cemented his victory by uttering the phrase “You must be confusing pain with pressure.”

 Do you think that gem was crafted by:

 A) my dealer

B) my dominatrix

C) my psychiatrist

D) none of the above

 If you answered “D,” give yourself a sloppy kiss. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – The Art of Oomancy

oomancyIf you were to walk into my childhood home on New Year’s Day, you’d find a dining room table covered in tall, clear glasses that had been filled to the rim with tap water and that held a globulous raw egg at the bottom.  The water would grow bubbly as the day went on and there would be strings of congealed egg white floating upwards to the top. I remember thinking how much those gelatinous peaks of egg white looked like the sea monkey habitat ads from the back of my brother’s comic books.

A Colombian custom for the New Year is to have your fortune told by raw eggs in water. My grandmother, who lived with us, had been her small Colombian town’s esteemed medicine woman. A bruja buena, good witch. She was in charge of making the town’s monthly coca water (just what you think it is) as well as possessing the knowledge of reading fortunes; in this case, via egg whites. This is fancily known as the art of oomancy; egg divination through swirly patterns.   [Read more...]

FnS Top 20 List ~ 2011

top 20 funny

Here are the most viewed posts from 2011 content on Funny not Slutty for the entire year. There is a lot of good stuff that did not make the list such as most of our “Victoria Jackson for President on FnS ” campaign that so many funny women contributed to. And let’s give a round of applause for ALL our columnists and contributors.

Some great posts were overshadowed because they just did not happen to do well in social media. What were your favorite posts from this year? What would you like to see more of on FnS in 2012?

  1. The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl
  2. In Defense of Slutty Halloween Costumes – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  3. Ask the Suniverse on FnS Vol. 1 Edition 4
  4. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part II
  5. Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  6. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part I
  7. John Travolta: A Timeline – Megan Lent
  8. #occupyanthropologie – Laura Burns
  9. Why I Love Christopher Hitchens – Jacki Schklar
  10. FnS Interview – Aubrey Anderson-Emmons of Modern Family
  11. Memoirs of My America – Lunchroom Angst
  12. Memoirs of My America – Penny for a Peanut Butter Twist
  13. See Something Say Something Shoot with Killer Killy Dwyer - Sara Gaddis
  14. Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts – K A B L O O E Y
  15. EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat – Elizabeth Bastos
  16. Kid Still Life – Elizabeth Bastos
  17. 5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell
  18. American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson” (by Traci Foust)
  19. REVENGE ITALIANO – Lucia Brizzi
  20. Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Halloween (by Noa Gavin)

 

15 Wonderful, Awful Skymall Gift Ideas – Blythe Jewell

This is basically just a list of bullshit I never knew I needed until Skymall told me I did. Now I’m obsessed, and if I don’t find at least half of these under my tree this year, I’m kicking someone’s ass.

Merry Christmas.

1. Mademoiselle Haute Couture Lamp.

 

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=69661072&pnr=85G

I was redecorating my living room this week in the haute couture theme (naturally), but the whole time I just kept thinking to myself, “You know what this place really needs? A life-sized woman lamp that’s taller, thinner and better-dressed than me.” And then – voila! There it was!

2. The” Zombie of Montclaire Moors” Statue.  Because nothing says “Welcome to our home!” quite like a life-sized gray zombie with the tortured eyes of death clawing its way out of your front walkway flowerbed.  [Read more...]