Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 5

holidays-blog

Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

How do I get through another sad and lonely Christmas? [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Oprah’s Favorite Cookies (not that Oprah)

oprahs-favorite-cookies

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

By Suniverse ~ That’s right, bitches – I bake, too.

Makes about 4 dozen [I got 46 and am desperately trying to let go of the fact that the last dozen was not complete] [It’s not going well]

Ingredients

2 ¼ cups flour
1tsp kosher salt
1tsp baking soda [Go ahead, use the one that’s deodorizing your fridge, I won’t tell anyone]
¾ cup packed light brown sugar
¾ cup sugar
2 sticks butter, softened [or nuke it for about 10 or so seconds if you forgot, like some people did]
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
3 cups chocolate chips, various flavors [I used semi-sweet, dark and white*]
A little extra kosher salt, if you’re feeling saucy

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line 2 or 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper.  Sure, you could just use ungreased cookie sheets, but what are you, an animal? Also, this way you won’t have to wash the cookie sheets after you’ve used them – you just toss the parchment paper. You’re welcome. [Read more...]

Eat This! German Christmas Stollen

funny christmas recipe

German Christmas Stollen- a family recipe as flavorless as it accusing
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Traci Foust and Max Petersen

Looking for the perfect Secret Santa gift? Need a holiday dessert to let your guests know your cooking sparkles as bright as the star that lead the wise men to baby Jesus? Here’s an authentic and extremely complicated German recipe to show all your loved ones you’re totally fine with settling for their friendship. It’s German Christmas Stollen. Literally translated the word means, mineshaft, a fitting Germanic symbol of how low your enthusiasm will sink once you figure out Trader Joe’s has a whole rack of these dry, tasteless cakes for half of what you’ll spend to make one. This recipe comes with American instructions and was given to me by my Berlinese boyfriend ,who every year around tannenbaum time, kicks me out of my own kitchen with a warning that I not assist his baking in any way lest I, “Fuck the whole thing up with my decorative sprinkles and Americaness.”

Also, the word stollen when said quickly sounds like Stalin which somehow makes everything feel more Christmasy.   
Total prep and cook time: 2-3 excruciating hours

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon active dry yeast. If you’re using American yeast, skip the “active” part and look for a packet that’s drinking a Pepsi while sitting in front of The Kardashians.
  • 2/3 cup warm milk (110 degrees F/45 degrees C) You may microwave the milk or warm things up with romantic German phrases such as, “If I don’t like your hairstyle I will let you know” or “We can hold hands once the ferry has started and things have calmed down a bit.” [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 3

  [Read more...]

Why I Love Christopher Hitchens – Jacki Schklar

christopher hitchens women funny

photo: www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/12/ hitchens_slideshow200712#slide=1

I publish a comedy site by women for women, so from time to time I get emails regarding the infamous 2007 Vanity Fair article Why Women Aren’t Funny by esteemed orator and journalist Christopher Hitchens. In it, Hitchens enlightens us that through the necessity of protecting our species, and because we actually harness more power and intelligence than men, and also because we’re pretty, women are not as funny as males. That is, unless we’re “hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three.” The inquisitive parties who contact me asking about this article are sometimes budding young female comedians, sometimes Woman’s Studies majors, but most often they are budding young female comedian Woman’s Studies majors. They ask whether I have seen the essay and want to know, “What should we do about it?” They are enraged, appalled and exasperated. My answer is not quite what they expect. You see, I love Christopher Hitchens. And I think you should, too. [Read more...]

True Facts About Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

by Leslie Goshko

When you look at the foam of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, you can see the Virgin Mary. And Christ. And Satan. And they all get along.

Craigslist Missed Connections: “I saw you on the train drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I got an erection. For the latte.”

My brother lost his leg in a shark attack. They replaced it with a  Pumpkin Spice Latte.

 Pumpkin Spice Lattes are made of poets’ tears. [Read more...]

Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part I

An Illustration of How Costume Companies Devise Their Ideas:

 

Costume-Companies-Kablooey-web 

 

People Who Love Halloween:  [Read more...]

Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Halloween


Well, you dirty trollops, it’s that time of year again. The time of year you feel entitled to hang your lady goods out on display and parade around asking for The VD like Nuns ask for The Communion.

No, no, not Tuesday afternoon, you insolent Jezebel.

I’m talking about Satan’s Day, dear. Something you’re probably too damn familiar with: Halloween. Pass Nana the tequila; she’s going to need something stronger than rosé to set your generation straight. [Read more...]

First Anniversary of My Watching Star Wars – Emily Schorr Lesnick

 

On the Occasion of the First Anniversary
of My Watching Star Wars
Or, The Week I Changed From Droid to Human

 
One year ago, I gained a new consciousness. One year ago, my adult friends Lindsey and Damian lugged a television from their basement into their living room in Minneapolis, we drank warm home-brewed beer, and began Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.  I had seen Space Balls, I had watched Family Guy parody the saga in countless episodes, I knew Darth Vader was Luke’s father (SPOILER ALERT!) and I even knew that Leia wore a sexy metal bikini, but I had never watched any of the series before September 2010.  I was living an empty pastiche existence, full of cultural references that led back to the same nexus.  Sure, I was an educated young woman, but in the words of Yoda, human I was not. 

Damian pressed play and the music and scrolling prologue began.  As Theo the cat sat in my lap, I bothered my friends throughout the film, reacting with audible and genuine excitement and asking naive questions. I’m pretty insufferable when I watch movies. I ask a lot of “why” questions and I wonder about things that get answered within the scene. “Who are those old people standing next to Luke?” Turns out, surprisingly enough, they are his aunt and uncle. “Is Han Solo good or bad?” Good, but edgy! “Are there any Black people in Sci Fi?” Yes, Lando Calrissian, but not until Episode V! Each answer brought new questions, new excitement, and new understanding of the Rebel Alliance. 

After the movie ended and I had filled up on popcorn and John Williams, I alternated between silence and bursts of questions and connections. Three days later, I had completed the entire series. Star Wars became a frame of reference for the way I approached all pop culture. It became a way for me to make sense of stories and make connections with the past and the future.  [Read more...]

#occupyanthropologie – Laura Burns

funny-politics

I’m wearing a colorful patchwork apron with an applique fastened to the left strap, my ankles eased against an elephant-shaped foot rest. I am seated on a purple velvet armchair, reading a copy of Bigfoot: I Not Dead. I am twirling one strand of my hair with a quirky doorknob. I am occupying Anthropologie.

This wasn’t planned. It came about organically, this morning when I set foot in the Nordstrom Mall. I was browsing the windows of Betsey Johnson and Free People when I smelled something enchanting across the hall. It was a cross between new car smell and a better life. It lingered in the air as I made my way through the glass doors. An array of deconstructed rare (I assume) books hung above. That’s when I felt the first twinge of expensive-kitsch-borne oppression. [Read more...]