Top 10 Reasons Female Comedians are Funnier Than Men

 

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Gabrielle Birchak and Jessica Delfino with a little help from Jacki Schklar. If you like comedy by women on Funny not Slutty, please make a donation to the site. We’re holding our quarterly donations drive.


10. Because we’re not distracted by our penises. And boobs make easy props.

9. Because we can get away with stroking the microphone stand. [Read more...]

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Julia DeGraf


Too scared to eat a bacon candy bar? Too nervous to get your wisdom teeth pulled? Too embarrassed to visit a nude beach? Don’t worry. Funny blogger Julia Degraf Does Things So You Don’t Have To. Julia has been a featured speaker at BlogHer with some such accolade that does not really matter because, let’s face it, the important part is that she got to meet Tim Gunn. She was one of our illustrious Selection Committee members for the Free Funny not Slutty Big Blog Book.
Julia’s profile on FnS: http://funnynotslutty.ning.com/profile/JuliaDeGraf

 

SEX!

CASINO!

I Played Sex Casino so you don’t have to

This weekend, Dave and I decided to turn our humble bedroom into a pleasure mecca with Sex Casino, just one of the many awesome and sex-ay games available at your one-stop shop for adult toys: Eden Fantasys (warning: the link takes you to dildos). The folks at Eden Fantasys were kind enough to send me this game to review, because I don’t just do “things.”

I do SEXY things. [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak: Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups


This is the first installation of Bubble and Squeak, a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

The Short Cocktail History of My Summer Hook-Ups,
circa 1998

 

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Bar Peanuts

Tequila Shot

Frozen Margarita

Tequila Shot

Flaming Scorpion Bowl, very suggestively outfitted with two straws

Jalapeno Poppers

Nachos with Everything, including the vow I made to myself to be celibate forever; my last boyfriend was a jerk [Read more...]

Kids and Poop – Iraqi Jackie

Iraqi Jackie

Iraqi Jackie

My name is Jackie Williams. I was raised in Davenport, Iowa. After high school I joined the Army. I went some places, did some stuff, and met some people. I’m still doing all those things. I like kitty cats, black mascara, flip flops and Mexican food. Also, the color red.

The kids are out of control in Iraq. When they set eyes on our convoys they come running from their houses like American kids do for the Ice Cream Truck. If I were the mothers of these children I would sooner faint than let them tear out of the house in hot pursuit of foreigners with guns. Cultural differences.

Children are demanding little devils. They all want something from us. Chocolate and pencils mostly. I don’t carry either. [Read more...]

The Risen Lord and The Easter Bunny

The Risen Lord and The Easter Bunny: A Dialogue by Elizabeth Bastos

The Risen Lord (rising from an attitude of contemplation): Easter Bunny, it seems that more and more people prefer you to me. Why is that?

The Easter Bunny: I am made of chocolate, Lord.

The Risen Lord: Ahh. Yes. But to those who believeth in me I offer eternal life!

The Easter Bunny (with submissive aspect): Amen, Lord. But, still you are not made of chocolate. And, with all due respect, Lord you’re not exactly…

The Risen Lord (beatifically): Go on, Bunny, I am a good listener. [Read more...]

Comedian Anna Lefler

http://funnynotslutty.ning.com/profile/AnnaLefler

Anna is in the Funny not Slutty Big Blog Book. Have you downloaded your free copy?

Top 5 Reasons Why I Despise Camping With a Fiery, Hellish Passion

 Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Blythe Jewell

camping

5.  The Husband Loves It WAY Too Much.

About a week before the trip, he starts to get giddy.  He checks the weather forecast three times a day.  He makes lists of things to pack.  He NEEDS stuff.  His tent is old.  He doesn’t have any good camping tools.  If I really want to be comfortable, we’ll need a new air mattress, and new sleeping bags.  Of course I really DO want to be comfortable, so four thousand dollars later we’re all ready for the trip that was supposed to be a cheap alternative to that French Riviera cruise I wanted to take.

He wants me to be as excited as he is.  I’m not.  This annoys him.  That annoys ME. 

We haven’t even left the house yet, and already camping sucks.

4.  It’s Nothing But a Bunch of Work.

You wake up early.  You pack a bunch of crap in your car.  It doesn’t fit.  You UNpack it, then pack it again.  You barely make it fit.  You realize that you forgot some stuff.  You curse.  You start over.  Now you’re cranky.

You drive for hours, get there, unpack all the crap, realize even MORE stuff you’ve forgotten, curse.  Crankier.

You set up campsite #1, realize the spot you chose is too hot, so you move to campsite #2.  You realize campsite #2 is too cold.  You curse.  You move to campsite #3.  Cranky times ten.

After not sleeping – at all – because you forgot the sleeping bags and the *new* air mattress deflated halfway through the night, you get up the next morning and pack everything BACK up in your car.  You realize you somehow managed to forget some stuff.  You curse.  You drive off, abandoning the air mattress at the nearest dumpster, muttering to yourself, with lots of cursing, that it was just a piece of crap anyway.

Fun!

3.  No Wi-Fi.

Seriously!  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something.

2.  The Coffee Sucks. 

Seriously!  Nobody EVER remembers the Splenda.  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something. [Read more...]

Top 10 Reasons Skinny Women Should Shut Up About Their Weight

 

vain skinny woman

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.


The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron. [Read more...]