How to Survive the Office Christmas Party from The Awkwardista

office christmas party

It’s the holiday season again and you know what that means. It’s time for gift giving, merriment, and the office Christmas party. Spending eight hours with your co-workers five days a week isn’t enough. Now you have to dedicate a few of the precious hours you spend away from the office to them in the form of an awkward social event.

Making it through the potential catastrophe known as the office Christmas party isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Just follow my advice.

Dress up. It’s Christmas. It’s time to show your holiday cheer by wearing that reindeer sweater you bought on clearance last year. [Read more...]

Customer Review: OBaby! Easy Entry Sex Swing ~ Lauren Krueger

o-baby

 

18 in stock

First of all, let me express my confusion and disappointment that this product is only available for purchase through something called “Amazon Dom.” The free shipping I usually enjoy through regular Amazon Mom would have gone a long way towards making me a happier customer. After all the price of the product was what initially drew me in, as it is considerably less expensive than any other baby swing on the market. Saving money is very important to me, as a new mom! :)

But I guess you get what you pay for, and maybe I should have expected something was wrong right from the beginning. When the name of your product has a glaring typo in it, that’s a serious example of carelessness. And while black is, I suppose, a “[uni]sex” color, green or orange would have been a little cheerier and baby-appropriate.

Let’s talk about the product’s functionality. This swing has consistently received 5 stars from everyone else, and I really don’t understand how that can be. The packaging has a cartoon of a sassy, playful mom on it (trying out the swing, herself!), and that gave me confidence that I would be able to assemble this swing on my own. At first glance I noticed the rugged construction of the straps and handles, which were indeed big enough to fit my own hands and feet. Clearly my five-month-old daughter, Meadowlark, would be able to use this swing well into her teen years! [Read more...]

Ode to Spice Girls – Daniella R. Bondar

Spice World

If I told you that I didn’t embarrassingly rock out to the Spice Girls on two separate occasions in the last four days, I’d be lying. Okay, so it was really three times. Three times in four days. In public. In dive bars. In a karaoke bar. That’s not counting all the times I was alone in my apartment and ran into a Risky Business situation.  What I am really trying to say here, in case you haven’t caught on, is the Spice Girls are the best thing to happen to this universe.  Anyone who says they disagree is lying. Here’s why…

1.  First in regards to the straight males out there who may be denying my very blanketed statement:  For a really long time gals were running around in Spice Girl – esque outfits,  so you are welcome boys.

2. We could mark out maturity growing by which Spice Girl we decided to identify with. ALl of my friends wanted to be Baby Spice. It led to lots of hair pulling and singing over each other. The pulling of pigtails always went a little too far. I had furry scrunchies, so of course I thought I should be the one.

3. The Spice Girls are still providing much unadulterated happiness for drunk girls. Ever been in a bar when a Spice Girls song comes on? Yeah, that. And yeah, I am definitely one of those girls.

4. Everytime I meet a guy I sing him “ If you wanna be my lover…” just so he knows what is up.

5. Spice Girls have taught me, and my generation of pleather donning attitude toting wannabes lots of important life lessons. Like to stop in the name of love and girls can be empowered while looking like super sluts. [Read more...]

Ten Signs You’re This Side of Middle Age ~ Alexandra

signs of middle age

Middle age, halfway through your life. Suppose you live to be 72, divide that in half, and 36 is your middle age. Sounds so young, and yet… you’re not.

You can do the math to figure out if you’re on this side, or that side, of middle age – or take this comprehensive quiz for the answer.

1.  The summer headbands advertised on your Facebook sidebar look adorable on the 18-year-old model, but make you look like Crazy Mary who used to sweep the bridge downtown during rush hour.

2.  Red fingernail polish and red lipstick may be in style, but on you they’re Cruella Deville.

3.  When you walk down stairs in the morning you hear the sound of popping popcorn from your knee area.

4. There was a time when a tankini and skirted swimsuit did the trick, now a berka is required.

5.  While grocery shopping you blissfully hum along with and skip to the piped Muzak version of “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. [Read more...]

Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 2 – Mirra Laes

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Continued from Part 1

Face washed: meh. SPF lotion on: maybe. Unibrow deconstruction attempt: Ugh. Okay, now I’m ready for makeup.  The first makeup item is foundation, I don’t use that primer crap and I’m not entirely sure what that is all about either.  This foundation is probably the exact color my face was at least three months ago and the only application method is swooping my finger in the mini tub and rubbing it between my hands and then aggressively attacking my face.  I have no cotton balls or special brushes ….maybe someday I’ll have a nice looking container with a fancy black and white lace design, with some gold too, and will keep all my super soft makeup brushes in it and that will be all its used for.  At this time my hands are now covered with the foundation and I usually find an old towel or “something” to wipe them on.

On to the blush! The blush consists of a small compact that contains its own little cheap black brush with a cracked lid that often falls off.  Also I don’t remember when I bought it, like, at all.  Swoop Swoop, and I’m done with that step.  This is the point where I may put my glasses back on to find my coffee cup and chug it.  I also might put on some chap stick, Burts Bees, in case you were wondering.  Glasses back off and I reach for my eyeliner so I don’t look like I’m 13 years old on this particular day.  I’ve got to get the eye liner on before the coffee shakes begin and after the hangover shakes end.  Currently I don’t even have the right color because I accidently grabbed grey instead of black at my local Walgreens because I was in a hurry BECAUSE I probably had some cheese to eat at home or something, and grey is like a shitty black that just looks shitty. [Read more...]

What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the gardener isn’t stealing – Héléne Bouffant

Hello my little seal skins!

Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the latest in swimwear paired with a glorious cover up. The less sophisticated among you might consider the dreadfully named “muu muu,” but I urge you to look at some of the wonderful cover up options hitting the runway these days.

SWIM WEAR MUU MUU

No.

Swimwear CU

Yes! See how well this covers her upper arms and collar bone?

I would like to show you some of your options for Summer 2013 swimwear. These are fresh off the runway, pussycats! I dare you to pick just one!

FASHION-BRAZIL-RIO FASHION WEEK-TRIYAHere is a stunning design from this year’s Rio Fashion Week. Look at how seamlessly the designer was able to incorporate long sleeves and metal bars into a single suit. Usually you can only get one or the other. I should warn you, however, that you absolutely must not wear this suit in sunshine. No one enjoys the feeling of burning metal against their bosoms, except for me during a brief experimental period in the 1980′s.

swim wear Mercedes+Benz+Fashion+Week+Swim+2013+Official+xXt6AaQNlC9l Looking for something sexy to wear this summer? How about this liberating one-piece? All you need is two friends to help you get into it and a large bottle of sunscreen. Just think of the tan lines – you shall be the striped tigress of Chili’s or wherever people like you go to eat. [Read more...]

Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes

makeup-on-the-cheap

No car insurance? Oh well. No food money?  As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation?  We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE.

Let us, friends, discuss a poor girl’s take on makeup….

I’ll start right at the beginning.  I wake up and probably have some makeup on from the previous day, creased, caked, and smudgy, my eyes an especially gross event that requires vicious rubbing and picking while I figure out who has to go to the bathroom more urgently, myself or the dog.  The dog statistically has a 85 percent chance of establishing importance in this decision, and I end up immediately regretting it as my urgency goes up by 15 points after stepping out into the ever chilly morning (err noonish) air.

Once the pup has had all his needs taken care of (outside, breakfast, sufficient amount of morning recognition in the form of various pets) I step into the bathroom to do step 1 of my morning stuff.  Step 1 is wash face.  Washing face is essential since my face is covered in previously mentioned leftover makeup as well as drool no doubt.  I want to point out that the face washing situation is very simple. I do not have toner, I don’t have a special wash for certain days or situations, and I don’t have a special sponge, wipe or towel.  I have face wash, the same face wash the boyfriend uses, with little beads of something in it , and the word” Morning” on it in yellow or bright blue.  I use a very small amount, not to conserve as you would assume but because it dries my face out too much as I’m older and my skin is not as greasy and I should have put lotion on it before I went to bed anyway, BUT a poor girl cannot afford face lotion for night and day, that’s like a $9 an hour job luxury. [Read more...]

“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

louiselog
Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

AnnFlournoy
Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Sparkhttp://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Loghttp://thelouiselog.com

 

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

 

Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

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Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

April2fts

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

[Read more...]