FnS News – Pizza and Wings and Chocolate Chip Cookies Edition

FnS Publisher, Jacki Schklar

by Jacki Schklar

Let’s start a new thing, shall we? It will be full of new stuff, like FnS happenings and fellow Funny not Sluttie’s upcoming events and recent accomplishments and latest gossip. But not your current weight loss spreadsheets, ok? I don’t want to hear anything about what you ate today unless it’s something yummy and fattening. I know it’s like a trend to become accountable through pathetic cries for attention social media posting your fucking diet lifestyle change and all.  But I’d rather have cybersex with this guy than read your calorie and fiber intake counts for the week on Facebook.


I was a part of another “first” recently, as the premiere Saturday Interview on Love in the Dumps.   That’s correct. A site for dysfunctional daters has chosen me as their flagship interview.  I talk about a topic I’m an expert on, which is meeting strange men on the internet. Rebound Rick, Sci-Fi Guy, and who can forget the Fur Trooper? Read and learn.

Iraqi Jackie

Iraqi Jackie

Everybody loves Iraqi Jackie, our favorite blogging U.S. soldier! I have some great news about Jackie! She has just returned home safe and sound after over a year of service overseas. This was her 2nd tour of duty. Let’s give her a great big virtual welcome home hug and thank you, shall we?

Do you have some Funny not Slutty news? Post it in the comment section here, or send to jacki@southernjewishprincess.com or post it in our Community.

10 things to say to unwanted creeps hitting on you

By Lady Lumberjack
As published in LOVE in the DUMPS: A comedy of your errors.

It’s a situation that every woman has been in: you go out with friends with the hopes of perhaps meeting a half-decent guy, but the only ones who talk to you are married creeps, disgusting trolls, or witless meatheads. It wouldn’t be so bad if these bottom feeders would just quickly crawl away upon recognizing your rebuff, but no such luck. They stick around like an unwanted kid at recess who can’t find anyone else to play with. But the pen, as they say, is mightier than the sword, and with a quick turn of phrase you can easily dispel of the sad-sack suitors and quickly send them back to their wounded wolf pack. Here are 10:

1. “I really just want to get pregnant and have a baby.”

2. “Sorry – I’m usually in a better mood but am on the rag.”

3. “My psychic told me I’d meet you!”

4. “You’ll never live up to our Savior, just so you know.”

5. “Sex is waaay overrated.”

6. “You look like that guy – what’s his name? John Candy.” [Read more...]

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Pearl

Our Funny not Slutty of the Week, known as “Pearl”, is a precocious member of our community. What once ensured that she sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted daily. That’s right, she shares her amusing thoughts on life every day on http://pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com/. How many of you can say you write EVERY DAY? And her website has a glaring badge to FnS which refers views to us regularly.


I Type Like A Super Star!
by Pearl

You know, of all the things that have held me back in life, I have to say that learning to type was probably my biggest mistake.

That, and learning how to make coffee (or letting anyone in an office know that I know how to make coffee).

Oh, and those years I headed up that pre-school gambling ring. That might’ve been a mistake.

But no. Typing has held me back the most.

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Sarah Maizes

Sarah Maizes is a writer/comedian, single mother of three, and founder of “Mommy Lite” (http://www.mommyliteonline.com/), a parenting humor site. We can all take a lesson in joke writing technique from her.

She is a regular contributor to ParentsAsk.com and her work has been featured on More.com, DivineCaroline.com, TheWellMom.com, Shine.Yahoo.com and Autisable.com (a website for parents of children with Autism). 

Sarah has appeared on ABC News Now’s “Moms Get Real,” NPR’s “Tell Me More”, and in the sold-out show, “Expressing Motherhood.”  She has also performed at The Hollywood Improv, The Comedy Store, and Stand-Up New York.

Sarah is the creator and co-author of The Bridesmaid’s Guerrilla Handbook published by Berkley and her new non-fiction humor book, “Got Milf?  The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great and Rocking a Minivan” will be out in Spring 2011. 


Bubble and Squeak – Harvard Beets

harvard beets

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

There is a recipe for beets in The Joy of Cooking called “Harvard Beets.”  Beets  are not an Ivy League food; mizuna is, microgreens are, a coulis of frambois sauvage is, as is anything served in a terrine.  I’d be disappointed if my money and my kid were going to Harvard for $50,000 or one billion dollars or whatever tuition is and received the following text: Hi Mom. Go Crimson! BTW beets for dinner, again.

The closest anyone in my family may get to paying full-freight to Harvard is Harvard beets, so I made them just to get ever that much closer. I told the kids, “These beets will make you smart so that you will go to Harvard and become cardiologists and support me in my old age.”
“What about strong, Mom? I want to be strong.” My 5 year old son said.
 ”I want to be a princess.” said my 3 year old daughter. [Read more...]

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Daniela Muhawi

Humorist and artist Daniela Muhawi of Seafood Punch is Funny not Slutty of the Week. Her website is a holistic attempt at controlling a mild case of ADD by listing everything that goes on in the her head in a relatively orderly fashion. Daniela also provided most of the incredible cartoons among the pages of  The Funny not Slutty Big Blog Book. She has granted a little interview for us at FnS.

Funny not Slutty of the Week – Daniela Muhawi

It seems your work has themes such as food and diet, health and germs, self improvement and self esteem… How do you define the main themes of your art?

I love drawing food with faces. Ironically, I’d probably never eat anything if it was looking back up at me. (I’ll have to write a post about the goat-head incident now that you’ve reminded me about it.) Ideas comes to me while I write. Since I tend to write about animals, fat animals, food and food that makes you fat…that will typically be the stuff I illustrate. I occasionally like to incorporate real facts in my writing and art too. Unfortunately, I lost all credibility when I drew an angelic hotdog with a halo. I typically try and keep things entertaining, goofy and based on real facts…but I’ll slip once in a while.

I only know you are not originally from the US because you talk about it. You have assimilated into our culture so well, you cannot tell. Was that just in your nature, or did you purposefully observe and mimic what was around you? Do you think your brilliance in noticing what is in the minds of our society stems from an outsider’s perspective?

[Read more...]

Funny not Slutty of the Week – KiKi Walter

If FnS had a “Most Nostalgic” award, it would go to Kiki (Kristy) Walter. Kristy remembers more about her youth than I remember about yesterday. Her “every woman” style of writing is reflective of her experience in acting, documentary producing and journalism.
Kristi in the FnS Community and her blog Flibbertigibbet.

Plucking Mole Hairs: Pleather, News & Roller Derby
by KiKi Walter

As I grow older, replete with nose warts and hairy moles and blast of gray Einstein hair, I tend to obsess over the dreams of youth gone by. What one might call “an idealist” — or “dreamer — or “eccentric” — or “scatterbrained creative type” — or just “scatterbrained” — I’ve had my share of aspirations, none of which I’ve completely left behind. I won’t quit you, damn it. I won’t quit you:

* Fame-whoring, Academy-award winning, totally obnoxious actress. The life long dream, out of the womb. As a child, I would throw blankets over my head and darken the circles under my eyes with an eyeliner pencil (unfortunately, it was a shimmery baby blue eye pencil – but, you know, it was — like — 1980. Ish.) Imagination prevailed, however, and I would light the bedroom with candles and proceed to pose in front of my dresser mirror for future movie posters. I suppose in my youth, I was delusional over the fact that my reign as a community theatre princess in a small Canadian border farm town would take me far in my quest for fame, but the heart was there. I kept with it, I did my thing in Los Angeles until Plan B was enlisted — the difference being it was more about the feeling and less about the fame whore thing. In my old age, I miss it. But, in my old age, I still psychotically pose for dramatic movie posters while in the comfort of my darkened bedroom. [Read more...]

Top 10 Dos and Don’ts Learned from My Last High School Reunion

by Blythe Jewell

So, last week I received the Save-the-Date for my 20th high school reunion and most people might start panicking now, but not me.  Because every stupid, jackass thing someone can possibly do at a high school reunion, I already did ten years ago.  I’ve basically spent the past ten years engaged in a series of random Oh-shit-I-really-did-that cringes and winces and I’m choosing to see the 20-year as my opportunity to redeem myself, rather than a chance to make myself look like even more of an asshole.  Of course, those are what I like to call “Famous Last Words” – but we’re going to think positive here.  At least I’m going in armed with my List of Dos and Don’ts – wisdom gained through my own pain and humiliation.  And now you can, too.  You’re welcome.

1. DO stay in touch with at least two people from high school.   The first one is the person you will force to go with you to the reunion so you’re not sans high school clique.  The second is your back-up, in case the first refuses or gets sick or dies or something.


2. DON’T wear the tube dress.  Unless you’re cool with holding your boobs in all night.


[Read more...]