DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you, and you can flirt in your sweatpants while eating peanut butter out of the jar! Win, right?

While you may or may not find your soul mate via the Internet, you could very well procure a date or two or thirty seven! It’s important, however, to avoid making these mistakes that I will make for you right now. Us funny ladies usually think that the men are the ones at fault (with their “heYy sexYY LaydEe Lez Do It Now” or their “I want to slather you in my shaving cream and eat organic avocados off of you” messages), but sometimes, we can be at fault, too! We all have our inner creep, let’s not be too proud, here. Since we are just as capable of poor e-flirting, these are the worst messages to send when you are attempting to score a date via the World Wide Web (does anyone call it that anymore? No. No one does. Okay).

Hey!  So, I read your profile, and I also LOVE all of the bands, books, music, movies, and foods you like. We have SO MUCH IN COMMON, it’s almost like we’re related! Except not really haha lol jk. Let’s hang out!

Just a heads up, “it’s almost like we’re related” might be the kicker here.

OMG do I know you in real life?

Ten out of ten times I know what people I know in real life look like, even when I find them on the internet, unless their profile pictures are abstract art in place of a face, in which case most moderators would have taken the pictures down already. [Read more...]

Memories of my America – Of Liberace and The Hope Diamond

hdColombians are prone to embellishment, to taking a story and making it even grander. It was Gabriel Marquez, the famed Colombian novelist, who proclaimed, “To Colombians, life is a stage.”

My mother has entered a delightful stage of dementia. Delightful in the sense that her already Colombian tales of life have become even more entrancing. We pick her up on the weekends, and she spends the day at our house, where my three boys and I spread her favorite blanket across her lap, much like a ceremonious draping of an ermine wrap across a queen’s shoulders.

We settle her in with Mexican cocoa — hot chocolate with a pinch of cayenne — which she sips slowly, blowing softly across the steam, and when she leans forward to set her mug down, we know we are about to hear, The Theatre of The Colombian, Part Six; where she will pick up where she left off, when she was here last.

“You know,” we all turn to see what she will floor us with today. “I had to say no when Fidel Castro asked me to marry him. Yes, he acted one way in front of our government, but I knew… he was not going to grow into a nice man. And look, I was right.” My mother reaches for her hot cocoa, blows and sips, sets it down, and begins again. [Read more...]

Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes!

It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to sleep, and now I shall judge its performance.

I shall start by sharing my personal contribution to last night’s awards. It should not surprise you that I – Héléne Bouffant – have provided styling at the Oscars for eons! Of course, my influence is most prominent behind the scenes rather than on the red carpet. But do not underestimate my power, my little chickadees! In fact, I control the red carpet itself! And by that, I mean that I am the official stylist to the men who roll out the actual carpet.

 rollcarpet

The jaunty newsboy cap was my idea.

 

Yes, my work was featured on CNN this year. They try to keep me in the shadows, but Héléne Bouffant will not be silenced on Oscar night!

But now, let me offer my thoughts on those designers whose work was seen on those in the spotlight…the burning, white-hot spotlight that calls to me with the intensity of a thousand STDs. I shall return to greatness one day, and I will bring a firestorm of plaid and sequins with me. But for now, let’s see what these other assholes turned out.

Oscars Anne

 No one puts Anne’s nipples in a corner

I have four words for this dress. MAG-NIF-I-CENT. Yes! A pale pink Prada sheath accented by hard, prominent nipples. Bravo, Miss Hathaway, for showing the world in no uncertain terms how very excited you were to be a part of this special, slightly chilly night. Now, some are trying to give the credit for this look of alertness to the darting on your gown. I reject this assessment, and applaud your nipples for their Annie Oakley-like defiance of cultural norms. The rest of your look may say, “subdued” and “appropriate,” but your nipples are saying, “Who do I have to stab around here to get a beer?”

Bravo, Madame.
[Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

gopher 2
God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

The Loss of 30 Rock ~ Ginny Leise

Last night I began a conversation with a co-worker with one the most reliable moves in my chatting repertoire.

“So…Do you watch 30 Rock?”

“Actually, I just started watching it recently,” she replied.

And just like that, I underwent an uncontrollable physiologically reaction and began to cry because that’s appropriate workplace behavior.

Not big, messy tears. Rather the tears that just fill your eyes and yet still completely betray the fact that you’re on the verge of a fullblown meltdown, heaving, snotting, you know, the works.

“You. Are. So. Lucky,” I said, blinking furiously. “You get to experience each episode for the first time.”

I have a long history of inexplicably crying at inopportune moments—a certain college admissions interview comes to mind. This crying jag, I fear, spouted from somewhere deeper. 30 Rock means a lot to me. Over the years, its made me laugh so hard and totally boggled my mind with its brilliance. As this last season comes to a close, I’m grieving  like Liz Lemon after she realizes Sandwich Day is over and not coming again for another year. But this time Sandwich Day will never come again. Ever. [Read more...]

How To Get Over That Guy In Six Surprisingly Easy Steps – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM
So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single lady, it was not going to last for too long, despite the initial honeymoon phase. Now that I’m eating solid foods again and have begun eating “happy” feelings (because I never stopped eating my feelings), I feel the need to share some things I’ve learned in this coping process. You see, when I was sad, I turned to the only place where I knew to get advice on how to get over a guy who isn’t into you – The Internet. Needless to say, I did not get the best advice. So here I am, ladies, telling you how to really get over that guy that you didn’t date that long but still crushed your spirits for a week or something.

 

1. Make a list of all of the flaws he MIGHT have had

This always works. Since you didn’t get to see all of his flaws, since it didn’t last that long, he could have very well had a lot of things wrong with him. Imagine the guy that crushed you saying he hates kittens, babies, sunshine, people, and orgasms! He definitely never said it, but the more you think that thought…I swear, it works.

 

2. Find a tweet that you wrote the day of your first date, to show you just how powerful you were before you met him.

Here’s one of mine:

 

 

3. Find a tweet that you wrote during the course of this short dating whirlwind to show you just how not funny you were while dating someone.

For instance:

 

 

 
[Read more...]

Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date – Mallory Schlossberg

I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not have even told you about them. However, as your resident All-Things-Man Guru, I am here to help aid in your valiant search for a decent dude. None of these guys are. These guys are dudes who present red flag warning signs. Maybe you’ll go out on a first date with them, but I wouldn’t say they are keepers. Sleep with at your own peril. Wait — DON’T!

1. Bug Guy
No – this is not the guy whose apartment is crawling with bugs. (That’s Dirty Guy, but you knew about him, right?). This is the guy who casually mentions that he has bed bugs. Then you start drinking. Then he casually invites you over. He assumes you forgot about that offhand comment about his current living situation. But you did not, right Smart Funny Lady Compatriot Of Mine? (Right? Please, oh God, say you did!) I mean, I’m not an environmental scientist or anything, but I do live in the city and I’m pretty sure that if you go into a bed with bed bugs and you are a warm blooded human that you’ll get bitten. I mean, I’m just saying.

2. Objecti-Guy
“I just want you to know that I am currently sexualizing you in my head,” said a guy who should never get laid.

3. Hawaiian Shirt Guy
This is judgmental of me, but the Hawaiian shirt generally represents a series of unfortunate events to come. The Hawaiian shirt is actually a silent way of saying, “hey, I’m just a real awesome, chill, fun guy,” which no awesome, chill, fun guy ever said. To that end, [Read more...]

Who Said It’s Hard to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? – H. Lovelyn Bettison

Deep Fried Bubble Gum

If you’re anything like me The New Year’s Resolutions you made have already gone totally off the rails. That’s okay. Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s Resolutions anyway?

Self-improvement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who really wants to be healthier, smarter, and have fewer bad habits? Not me, that’s for sure. I have too many other more important things to do like sit on my butt watching Lifetime movies, look at unattractive pictures of celebrities in gossip magazines, and think of something new to deep fry. Okay the last thing isn’t true. I’ve never deep fried anything in my life. All that hot oil scares me.

If I did actually deep fry something, I would be keeping my resolution to conquer my fears. Maybe there are deep fried marshmallows in my future. Is that a thing or did I make it up? If I did, don’t steal my idea.

Once I get over this deep frying fear I could market my deep fried marshmallows and make bundles. That would take care of my resolution to make more money. Wow … that’s like killing two birds with one stone. I’m brilliant. Wait a minute … does that mean I just achieved my goal to be a little smarter this year? Oh my goodness, I think I did. [Read more...]

The Walking “Red”: Taylor Swift Is Leading the Musical Zombie Apocalypse

Know what I think? I think Taylor Swift is leading us straight to a musical zombie apocalypse.

Clue Number One: her new album–Red.

Red, as in Taylor’s going to suck the life blood right out of the radio with her insipid yet ear wormy songs. She’s not gonna stop until we’re glazed over and stumbling all the way to the ATM machine, leg dragging.

Clue Number Two: Keith Richards already looked like death.  Once Taylor showed up, he became corpse ready. I could rest my case based on his cryptkeeper mug alone. It’s enough to make me lock myself up with a Stones album and a bottle of Southern Comfort.  Liz Phair just called and suggested a good and proper ball busting.

Taylor, want to know why we’ve gotta be so mean? It’s because you’re more cherry popover than virginal pop cross over and if the zombies don’t get us the diabetes will.

The final brain numbing comes in with Clue Number Three: A Southern accent? Aren’t you from Pennsylvania, Miss Swift?  What, Pennsylvania Dutch too Dwight Schrute sexy for you?

She’s downright blood thirsty!  Anyone see the look on her face at the Golden Globes when Adele picked up Best Original Song  for the 007 theme “Skyfall”?  Dang! Girlfriend could’ve killed Dr. No instantly.  Now that’s putting the c%#t back in Country!

Pop princess patently pissed. [Read more...]

4 Fashion Predictions for 2014 by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!

I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!

You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.

But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”

Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant –  plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.

And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:

Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.

funny men in mustache style

Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES! [Read more...]