K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan


Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball. [Read more...]

Six Reasons You Are Single On New Years’ Eve – Mallory Schlossberg

You’re probably wondering why you are alone on New Years’ Eve, and why when that ball drops you’ll be ogling all of the couples sucking face all over the bar (or you’ll be at home polishing off the bag of pita chips, which may be more of a winning situation). Take it from me – your token single lady in New York City. This isn’t all bad news! It’s just the facts of life. You might have made some major mistakes in 2012.  I know I did.  I’ve come to face how I’ve become preternaturally single, and I’m here to help all of you, so that come December 31, 2013, you might not be alone (although if I am, hell, I’m cool with it).

 

1. You tweet what you’re eating

Do you tweet things like, “My favorite feeling to eat is ‘quixotic?” or how you find peanut butter and hummus to be the best foods in the world? Do you announce your impending food baby pregnancy? Here’s the problem: men don’t want to know what you’re eating. Men see the words “food baby,” and think “she’s pregnant!” and run away. Also, the guy you want to date isn’t paying close attention to your twitter, unless it says, “porn HERE!” (Then do the smart thing: direct it to an image of you eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s… Food PORN?)

 

2. You publicly announce how you’ve stopped taking birth control

Maybe when you thought Romney’s presidency was going to eradicate all free or affordable birth control so you stashed all of your pills in your medicine cabinet. Then at a bar you said to a hot guy, “hahahaha, sooooo, I’m not taking my birth control anymore!” Here’s a fact: all guys think all women are on the pill ALL OF THE TIME. They think women fall into two categories: pill taking and not pregnant, or not pill taking and pregnant. The second you said that, all of the male heads in the room turned and saw you carrying his Junior.

 

3. You save money by wearing last night’s make up today

I have discovered this money saving technique! You can make your foundation and eyeliner last TWICE as long! It’s also a great way to look like you are doing a permanent walk of shame, AKA “damaged goods.” I mean, I think of it as a walk of pride, but not everyone views it that way.

 

4. Wait? What day is it?

If you think it’s still Christmas or Thanksgiving, or some other day in the universe, that might have something to do with it. Just a thought. I mean, I don’t operate on a normal schedule (Monday IS the new Friday, people), so my “alternative scheduling” aka “fledgling freelancer” life may turn some people off. Call me a calendar hipster; I call it creating new limits on a man-made structure…thereby, making me a calendar hipster.

 

5.  Your bladder is super small

Do you constantly have to get up in the middle of dates to pee? I do. It definitely ruins the mood of date, but hey, you know what nobody ever said? “Nothing says sexy time like a UTI!”

 

6. You are surrounded douche bags who don’t recognize that all of these traits make you hilarious, beautiful, sexy, and different. Celebrate your flaws and your singlehood!
And make out with multiple people and don’t feel terribly about it. And eat all the chips and guac you desire with zero guilt!  Pop the champagne!

 

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Christmas Edition

suniverse-christmas

 

Dear Suniverse,

The tradition is to visit family on Xmas day for dinner. How do you politely decline but still get all the shit they bought for you?

Is it rude to hump your husband in the guest bathroom? When you have guests in the guest bedroom?

How do you get your kids what they want but not go broke until next payday?

Arnebya, What Now and Why

 

Dear Arnebya,

First of all, why aren’t you inviting me over?  I totally won’t buy you a crappy gift, and I will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the shenanigans in the bathroom.

Second of all – holy Christmas miracle, that’s a lot of angst for the holidays.

Here’s the deal.  Everyone expects the holidays to suck for them, and in general, they will.  While most people try and tell you that everyone goes into the holiday season with great expectations about how happy and jolly everyone and everything is going to be, they are a bunch of fucking liars. [Read more...]

A Child’s Guide To Increasing The Likelihood of Getting What You Want For Christmas by Alexandra

1.   Don’t fight.

2.   If you do fight, fight in hissy whispering.

3.   Don’t sass

4.   If your mom asks you if you sassed back, say “No, ma’am, I was just clarifying.”

5.   Don’t hit.

6.   If you do hit, hide it like you were walking past your brother or sister and tripped.

7.   Even if it’s hard, mind your own business.

8.   If you don’t mind your own business, tell your parents you were just worried about your sibling’s safety. Because you love them.

9.   No name-calling.

10.  If you do name call, say you meant it as a term of endearment. “Oh you little poopyface. I love you.”

11.  No swearing.

12.  If you do swear, blame it on your parents losing their hearing. “Mom I did not say I hope he gets his ass destroyed. I said, ‘I hope you get your asteroid’ for Christmas.”

13.  Do your homework every night.

14.  If you don’t do your homework every night, pretend to be holding your U.S. History book open on your lap, with your Nintendo hidden inside.

15.  Try new foods your parents make for dinner.

16.  If you don’t like the new foods, spread them around on your plate so they look like less and then say “Boy that was so good I just wish I hadn’t eaten a whole bag of popcorn at school right before you picked me up.”

17.  Do your chores.

18.  If you don’t do your chores, make it look like you did your chores–keep the area under your bed as a free space so you can jam your toys, books, clothes in there at the last minute.

19.  Don’t lie.

20.  If you do lie, say all the double negatives in your parents’ question mixed you up. You meant to say you did NOT not not do it.

21.  Take a shower, brush and floss, comb your hair, change your underwear, make your bed, and be polite. If you don’t take a shower, get the shower door wet. If you don’t brush or floss, get the toothbrush wet and leave a string of floss on the counter. If you don’t comb your hair, leave a brush sitting next to the sink. If you don’t change your underwear, just put a ball of clean ones in the laundry basket, if you don’t make your bed, just throw the top blanket over everything like you’re going on a picnic.

22. You can’t fake the Be Polite — Hold the door open for everyone, say Happy Holidays to everyone, smile at everyone.

Just forget numbers 1 through 21. Do only number 22, and you’ll win your parents’, your grandparents’, your teachers’, and your siblings’ hearts for the holidays.

 

AlexandraAlexandra

Alexandra is an overanalyzing, oversensitive mother of three boys who somehow found herself named as BlogHer ’11′s Voice of The Year for Humor. She has been a mother since 1994, which means she hasn’t been right about anything since. She blogs of the sweet and the funny while trying to go unnoticed in her small town. You can find her at Good Day, Regular People. Did we mention socially awkward? We should, which is why the internet was made for her.

The Reverse Gift Guide: 7 Gifts Guys Will Get You…And What They Mean


Around this time of year, I fantasize about this question: if I had a boyfriend, what would I get him for Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Secular Seasonality For The Hipster Atheist I’d Probably Date? Because, you know, I’m a giving person! I like to be generous and buy people things. To that end, I certainly like receiving things, and I’m sure all of you funny women enjoy holiday materialism as well. So I also spend time fantasizing about what my imaginary boyfriend would get me, and to that end, I’ve come up with the Reverse Gift Guide. You know how EVERY magazine tells you “what to get for your boyfriend?” I’m here to tell you how to decode what your boyfriend got you. If you’re single, you can use this to understand all of the relationships that surround you and nauseate you at this time of year. Granted, these are my interpretations…but you should trust me on these.

 

1. A hand drawn card

AH! I love hand drawn cards! Especially ones in pencil that look like they took forever to draw. Home made gifts show that he took extra time out of his day for you. Some women may judge this and say, “ah, he must be broke because there’s no gift inside,” but the truth is that money isn’t really the thing in question here – it’s what did he draw? Did he draw a generic picture of two people ice skating? Because that means he’s a seven year old girl. Is it a poorly drawn portrait of you in which you resemble a deformed animal? That’s not exemplar of his drawing skills, it’s representative of how you look to him. Analyze that picture, ladies. This is how I discovered that I actually looked like an eight year old Jewish anime character with an enormous head and no boobs. Why are my eyes X’s?

You should also know that men who draw cards believe that they are artists, and they want you to know that without telling you. A hand drawn card is a quiet plea for you to say, “wow, why are you a banker? You should have gone to art school! Let’s go tot the MOMA, babe. Quit your job! I’ll support you.” Don’t say that.

 

2. A Starbucks gift card

This is a traditional gift to give in my family. Practical, convenient, and who doesn’t love an overpriced espresso beverage with exorbitant sugary syrups? The answer: NO ONE. Everyone can use a Starbucks card. That said, if your boyfriend gets you a Starbucks card, he wants to be on par with your family and be thought of as a sibling or a cousin, which is gross, or an indication that he’s just not that into you.  Or he’s into you, but $25 worth of lattes into you.

 

3. One of those creepy stuffed animals with a voice recording

He not only wants to be in your dreams, he wants to be in your nightmares. You KNOW these bears, right? The ones dressed like Football players or skiers? Cute, right? Then you squeeze it and it says in a deep, masculine voice, ” hey baby. I’d light all eight candles for you,” or “I think you’ve been particularly naughty this year…” maybe out of context this is hot, but when I’m falling asleep, I don’t want a bear telling me he’s hot for me.  Do you? These bear gifts are just the predecessors to Raped By Bear nightmares. This shows a lack of sensitivity. The only thing worse than a stuffed bear with a recorded voice would be a stuffed dolphin with a recorded voice, because dolphins have actually been scientifically proven to rape humans.
[Read more...]

MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Holiday Sex – Having It and Loving It


I lost most of November to Hurricane Sandy-ass, and her aftermath. I can honestly say that after that she-bitch blew through my town, flooded my basement and took away my power, heat and hot water for 17 days, I did not feel very sexy or amorous. Instead, I felt cold, dirty, (not in a good way) and I’m pretty sure that the potent odor that followed me wherever I went, was originating from my pores. Yum. For the first time in a long time, sex was the last thing on my mind… and that irked me.

I was busy thinking about mold spores, ripping sheetrock out of the walls and changing generator oil. I was not dreaming about anal beads and hot bubble baths. I was euphoric when I took my first hot shower and I actually could see myself under the lights in front of a mirror. And now, just like that, it’s the start of the holiday season. Ho Ho Ho… and I do mean that in a whore-y kind of way.

I started thinking about how sex is different during the holidays. I wondered if people had more or less of it. Does the eggnog go to his head (yes, that head) and the next thing you know, you’re doing it by Menorah candlelight? Or are you preoccupied cooking, shopping, decorating, baking, working, generally stressed because you’re hosting Aunt and Uncle Drunkard, who’s visiting from Peoria for a week, so sex is on the way, way, back burner? [Read more...]

~ Holidays ~ ‘Tis the Season For Singledom…Here’s Why – by Slutty but Funny

Single during the holidays, ladies (and gents)? 

Let’s get real for a hot sec, that’s the best way to do it. Asides from those Kay Jeweler commercials making you feeling inadequate as a human of the female (and/or male) population, or your mother constantly asking you if you are a lesbian in public bathrooms, oooooorrrrrr having every one of your siblings (and their significant others) give you the, “Ahhhhh, she had so much potential when she was younger…and then her hair turned that icky shade of brown,” stare, it’s really not that bad at all!

You have to remember that when you do not have a significant other, you don’t have to worry about anyone else but yourself. Is that selfish? Abso-fucking-lutely.

But god dammit does it feel all warm and tingly inside! (It really does. I’m doing it right now.) Haven’t convinced you yet? Don’t worry. I will.
 

  • You don’t have to eat in front of anyone that you are having sex with.

I don’t like eating in front of guys I’m dating (and/or sleeping with). It’s not pretty. It consists of talking with my mouth full, dollops of mayo and some lewd attempts at sexual gestures with meat in my hands. Sexual, I know. Yet it seems to have little to no avail on actually upping my sex appeal. People really don’t seem to want to boink the lady with a vat of Hellman’s mayo close at hand.
  [Read more...]

10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
  [Read more...]

EAT THIS: Thanksgiving Leftovers Faux-Pie – Heather Davis

Fake Pot Pie with Hard Core Mashed Potatoes

The day after Thanksgiving always throws me for a loop. I mean I just spent approximately fourty-two friggin’ hours cooking a meal that takes approximately thirteen minutes to devour but will set out for six hours until it’s picked plum apart. The day after Thanksgiving, then, someone will inevitably say, “Let’s have leftovers.” Ahhh, hell no. We ate the leftovers at about ten thirty last night, and it’s a wonder anyone is even still hungry considering we had enough to feed a squadron of army dudes and actually only had ten people at the meal.

But, eaters be eatin’ and you’ll need to have something to feed them. Here’s my fool-proof plan to earn a spot in the “Day-After-Thanksgiving-Hall-Of-Fame.”

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 2 cans of turkey gravy (yes cans… you want real gravy, make it yourself)
  • 1 can of mixed vegetables
  • 1 c shredded cheese
  • 2 frozen pie crusts
  • 3 large potatoes
  • ¾ c half and half
  • ½ c butter
  • salt
  • pepper

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, boil two chicken breasts. Add salt and pepper. When the chicken is done, remove it from the broth and add more water. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 12

Dear Suniverse,

Although I’m quite the “as a matter of fact, yes this dildo IS awesome” online, I am quite the opposite in real life — or at least, with people I do not know.

Whether I pack my special toys in my main suitcase or in my carry-on, there’s serious intrusion of privacy shit that can play out either way.

Why not just leave my toys at home, you ask? Well, fuck. I’m a firm believer of the old proverb: “Don’t leave home without it.” (Don’t fool yourself, that shit did NOT start with American Express.)

Sunni, especially in this world we’re living in, there is a very strong likelihood that your private-ness could be put on display for everyone to see. Do you have some pointers as to A. How to hide said special objects in a stealth-like manner? and B. How would you handle such a situation when you’re travelling?

Sincerely,

Lady E, Adventures in Estrogen

 

Lady E,

I am right there with you – not in that I travel with my Happy Maker to every destination, but in that I have twice now gone to conferences in the past few months where Lady Pleasurers were given as swag [and a big thank you, to you, too, Sweetie!]. The husband is thrilled with this turn of events, as am I, but since I’ve flown both places, I’ve also been subject to the invasive search [no, not body cavity invasive; standard TSA invasive].

In both these instances, I’ve just put my carry-on bag on the XRay scanner and walked right through [well, I’ve more minced right through, because I’ve been barefoot and PUBLIC FLOORS ARE DISGUSTING], head held high, daring anyone to say anything about the interestingly shaped objects in my bag. [Read more...]