What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

Hello, my pasty pork chops!
Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of rebellion, and of things that cannot be unseen.
But not only is summer the season of foul crevices, it is also the season of weddings! And when you have weddings, then approximately three-quarters of the time (if my math is correct) you have wedding dresses! Oh, Versace-on-a-cross do I love a wedding dress! There are so many choices, my tacky little corsages! To help you narrow it down, I am going to review 2013 wedding dress trends. If you are soon to be married, use this as your guide. Don’t make a fool out of yourself. And if you have already wed, this list will show you where you went so terribly, terribly wrong.

Old-Hollywood Glamour

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Don’t be intimidated to wear a gown to your wedding that says, “Yes, I saw The Great Gatsby. And I loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lace

 

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Lace is both traditional and romantic; lace is classic, and yet barely covers the nipples. It is a stunning choice for the girl who wants to be sexy in that “naughty schoolgirl” kind of way on her wedding day: she has flowers in her hair and is wearing white, but there is nothing covering the slightly less interesting parts of her breasts. Your guests will be confused about how they are supposed to feel, which is exactly the kind of statement a Héléne Bouffant bride wants to make.

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Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

April2fts

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

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4 Fashion Predictions for 2014 by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!

I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!

You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.

But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”

Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant –  plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.

And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:

Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.

funny men in mustache style

Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES! [Read more...]

Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.
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