When Celebs Suck – Moore is Less

Demi Moore BikiniWho doesn’t sometimes wish they were a rich, famous person? Wouldn’t it be neat to have more money than sense?  To be spared brushing shoulders with the plebes and commoners in their velour tracksuits, fighting over the last bag of Oreos at Walmart.  To hire someone to raise your children for you while you jet off to George’s villa for a little R&R.  Oh, the possibilities.

I admit, I’ve harbored such grand daydreams, especially during my commute on public transportation (shudder).  But being a normal, everyday person gives me one advantage famous women don’t possess: Wrinkles won’t mean a death sentence for my career.  I don’t need to have an obsession with physical perfection.  I can just be my great big sloppy self until I die, and my husband won’t care because he’s a slob too.  Whew.

Not so, however, for celebs like Demi Moore, or (as she shall henceforth be known) The Alpha Cougar.  She’s spent years replacing various body parts with plastic and silicone to the point where she doesn’t even look like the same person anymore.  She even sank so low as to marry Ashton Kutcher. 

What? Am I the only person who cringes at the thought?

Once Ashton left for younger pastures, Demi had to find another way to prove to the world just how youthful she still is and screw him anyway, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And what says “young, hip and not somebody you cheat on” better than doing whip-its like a spoiled teenager trying to escape the boredom of suburbia? Not to mention partying with your (horrified) daughter and her friends, and chasing around after Zac Efron[Read more...]

I Enjoy Being a Girl (With the Exception of the Annoying Bits)

 Chicktionary-Book

by Anna Lefler

Author of The CHICKtionary:
From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know 

Ah, womanhood.  Just when you think you’ve got your game on, society – or your body – steps in and changes the rules. 

It’s the perfect weekend for a romantic beach getaway?  Not according to your uterus. 

Your boyfriend is totally over his ex?  Really?  Let’s have a look in that coffee cup cabinet.

New gauchos for casual Friday?  Um, we’re not doing that anymore.

Is there no end to the uniquely female annoyances we must face on a daily basis?  Apparently not.  On the upside, at least we have someone to talk to about these indignities:  each other.  And, because the bulk of the female experience is common to all women, we don’t have to waste time explaining ourselves.

However, if we did try to explain the challenges of womanhood to, say, a non-native speaker, the definitions might go something like this: [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – How To Live In a State of Mortification

funny avocado

For some, *ahem, me*, growing up raised by people from a different country is a hairbreadth away from being an indescribable experience. It can also provide many moments of red faced horrific distress. [Read more...]

When Someone You Love Has A Blog……

Alexandra Schultze Humorist
by Alexandra Schultze

This is Part I of a 3-Part Series covering “Living with a Blogger.”  DISCLAIMER:  My husband had nothing to do in any way with the  *inspiration* for this post. 

Loving someone who has a blog can be challenging, even confusing at times. There are so many elements of the unknown and unfamiliar, and you may feel at a loss as to what is happening to the one you chose, years ago.

Here, I have prepared a basic guide of how to speak to, and understand your blogger loved one. My hope is to help you interpret various states of mind, and behaviors of a blogger, so that you may provide the blogger you love with the in-real-life support and assurance they need.

Remember,  the person you love is still in there, and they’d love to share their world with you. Be patient, and understand, that the blogosphere they enter is entirely real, and actually does make them happier, and more productive in the end. Though, bloggers don’t measure “productive” in quite the same way as the rest of the world does.

~ When your blogger asks, “how did you like my post today?” Do not answer, “it was like an academy award speech, where they have to start the music up.”  Not a good answer. Better answer? “I thought it was great.”

~ When your blogger begins to speak of  people with names like “Momtothree” and “HouseofMouse,” do not ask her why in the world grown women would give themselves nicknames like that, instead say, “hmm…tell me who they are again.” Much better.

~ Do not suggest that she have T shirts or custom sticky notes made up of her site header for $5.00 each, and then sell them to her readers for $20.00 each and that if she sells only 5 of them, then that’s at least more money than she’s made thus far from her blog. Not a good idea.

~ Realize that your blogger’s mood will become quite manic and hang wringingish if she has posted an hour ago, and nary a comment has come in yet. Do NOT mention her agitation. Instead, be helpful and ask her if perhaps she has not checked “allow comments” under post options. This will make her feel better, and you will be considered as quite helpful. [Read more...]

Six Random People I’ve Found on Facebook and Why I Love Them

by Blythe Jewell

1. Debbie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Debbie. I love Debbie because she looks both scared and happy at the same time.  I’m pretty sure this is the result of a bad Botox experience, but the fact that she chose this as her profile picture makes me wonder.

The tan lines are just a bonus.

If this is the way Debbie normally looks, I’m guessing she does a lot of clenching. Probably a big fan of stress balls.  And kegels.

2.  Jan and Jimmy.

I love Jan and Jimmy because they’re just regular folks who like to put a few beers back and party.  Somebody probably got lucky after this picture was taken but I’m not sure if it was Jimmy or the random dude in the background who seems to have a booger.

At the very least, some boobs were flashed on this night.  I’m SURE of it.

3. The Comic-Con Crowd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will probably shock you to know that this photo was taken at a technology conference.  I can’t remember the names of all the people who were tagged here but they probably prefer to go by their video game aliases, anyway.  I CAN tell you that two of the people here are married to each other.  I like to imagine that the wedding ceremony was some combination of Harry Potter and Stargate SG-1.  The bride would have been in a blood red corset and black lipstick.  The groom would have worn tights and carried a sword. Guests would be in awe of the personalized Star Trek tea light holders.

4.  The Kissy-Face Girls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the Kissy Face Girls.  I have no idea what their real names are, but does it matter?  They’re totally interchangeable and any one of them will offer up random blow jobs after two or three Sex on the Beaches.  That’s really all you need to know.

I love them because I can walk into any nightclub in any city of the world and find them there.

5. The Devil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the Devil. And his wife.  On Christmas.

 

6. John

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is John.  John is my favorite because of the bike shorts and his perfectly encased package and enormous calf muscles.  He’s clearly proud of himself for being wherever he is and has no idea why everyone who sees this photo assumes he’s gay.

He’s just SO HAPPY, this guy.  He makes ME happy.  John is why I love Facebook.

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.

The Anti-Mommy: Child Climbs on Things Like a Monkey

funny messy girl

Amy Vansant is The Anti-Mommy. Writer, blogger (http://www.kidfreeliving.com/), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. Amy is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.

 
It is bad enough when a child is sitting still and quiet, staring beady little eyes full of recrimination through your soul because you refused to play a 16th game of CandyLand. The idea that they are actually freely moving about the house is like some sort of horror movie where every time you turn your head you catch a glimpse of some unholy terror scrambling under a bed out of view. Then you must creep around the house, dread filling the pit of your belly, knowing eventually it will it crawl back out.The other day, my brother had his bundle of joy climb to the top of a closet, find a bottle of green food coloring, and spill the entire contents to the carpet. Never mind that there were maybe three things in the house that would make a horrible and permanent mess, and somehow my darling niece managed to seek this one out at the top of a cabinet. That sort of super power in a child I don’t want to even think about.

funny carpet stain

Luckily, my brother had myself to turn to for advice.

“Brother,” I said, “use restraint.”

He assured me he had calmed down and had naturally not done anything harmful to his daughter.

“No, no, no!” I clarified.  “Not on yourself — I mean use restraint on the child. Just weight.”

At this point there came a long pause. Finally, my brother asked, “What am I waiting for?”

(Really, sometimes talking to him takes all of MY restraint.) I began to explain that the key to my brother’s monkey-child problem was weight.

He didn’t need to chain the child to a radiator like an animal!  That would be very poor advice, as very few people these days actually have radiators in their homes. What he needed to do was go to a nearby sports store and get himself some of those five pound ankle weights and secure them snugly to his daughter’s ankles. The additional weight would not only make climbing counters impossible, but greatly reduce her speed as she bounced about the house.  Naturally, as she grew larger, he would have to continue to up the weight.

The extra bonus to this technique, is that over time your child will develop unusually powerful legs. When you finally remove the weights at age 18, there is a good chance she may be so extraordinarily strong that  she can become some sort of professional sports star making millions of dollars, thereby ensuring you’ll be well taken care of in your old age.

You’ll thank me later,

The Anti-Mommy

Parenting Tips from The Anti-Mommy: Screaming Child in Restaurant

The Anti-Mommy

The Anti-Mommy

Amy Vansant is The Anti-Mommy. Writer, blogger (http://www.kidfreeliving.com/), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. Amy is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.

Problem: Child screaming and generally being loud in a restaurant.

Disclaimer- if you are having this problem in a Chuck E. Cheese or an establishment that advertises that they are “kid-friendly,” then please – let them scream away because I can guarantee you Anti-Mommy is nowhere in the vicinity. However, if you’ve selfishly smuggled your hybrid bundle of joy/fire siren into an typically adult establishment, here are some tips I think you’ll find useful.

The first thing that will come to mind is the last episode of M*A*S*H (no Hawkeye, that wasn’t a crying chicken she smothered to prevent enemy detection, you crazy bastard). But thanks to today’s stringent child-smothering laws, that probably won’t be your go-to move.

Next, scoop up the child and walk them out of the restaurant. Walk them directly to the car. Drive them directly home. Stay there. You are both grounded. You’re the one who decided to have a kid, now you never get to eat a peaceful meal in a restaurant again. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.

But wait! Would you like to be able to have the occasional beef Welly in peace?

Get yourself a dog shock collar.

No, no – of course I am not suggesting you use a dog shock collar on your child in the restaurant, silly! You use it at home. Just practice at your private residence, even on a relatively low wattage level, until darling little he or she understands that talking or screaming with the collar on is inadvisable at best. Then the next time you’re in a restaurant and the little angel starts to demand cake at the 1000 decibel level, you can just smile, lean in, stroke their velvet like hair and whisper sweetly in their ear: “Do you want the collar?”

That kid will shut up like a witness at a gang shooting, and you will look like a child rearing genius!

Just remember to let a sufficient time lapse between training and your first restaurant experience so the two little prong marks will have faded from the child’s neck. If your kid tries to spill the beans to horrified restaurant staff, it is a lot harder to laugh over his “wild imagination” when he’s got electrode prong marks on his neck.

You’ll thank me later,

Anti-Mommy

20 Cartoon Characters and What I’m Pretty Sure They Smell Like

by FnS columnist Blythe Jewell

1. Popeye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation: Sailor
Smells like:  Spinach and sweat


2. Papa Smurf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Patriarch
Smells like:  Pipe smoke, porn shops


3.  Gargamel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation: Shitty wizard
Smells like:  Cheap wine, kitty litter


4.  Rainbow Brite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Equestrian/child
Smells like:  Horse manure, Skittles


5.  Alvin and the Chipmunks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation:  Musicians
Smells like:  A crack den, hookers

[Read more...]

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Funny not Slutty of the Week – Jackie Williams

Iraqi Jackie

What Funny not Slutty could be more deserving of acknowledgement than our very own U.S. Army Soldier Medic blogger? Iraqi Jackie has been on living it up in the States on leave this week, and she travels back to her deployment in Iraq today. Let’s post some words of encouragement and thanks for serving overseas and sharing her experiences with us!

Jackie’s profile in the Funny not Slutty Community – http://funnynotslutty.ning.com/profile/JacquelineWilliams
Friend Jackie on Facebook

Medics Fixin Shit by Iraqi Jackie

 

The day’s task was to wash the FLAs. Nevermind that we are in IRAQ and it’s filthy and dusty every day, those damn field ambulances needed a bath! So down to the motorpool we went!

Makeup The Hell – jpmetz

Finally! Makeup tutorials for the pissed off and cynical. Justine shares the ups and downs of her life (mostly downs) as she reproduces the most beautiful and popular current looks. Makeup and life coaching in one The Hell package.

Brown Smokey Friggin Eye

Ke$ha Party Makeup Tutorial [Read more...]