by Natalie Wall

I wish this was a lie…

“So are you seeing anyone….guy or girl?”

“No, but that you for subtly asking if I’m a lesbian for the 15th time now, Mother.”

After being asked for the umpteenth time if I’m a lesbian, I started to question…why am I not dating anyone? Oh wait that’s right. I’m an asshole.

It used to be a real issue for me, but then I realized, the world doesn’t need a man that can deal with my asshole antics, just think of the poor soul that would have to date me. I’m pretty sure I’d turn him gay. That or he would kill himself. That sorry bastard.

And to add to my asshole factor, I’m disgusting with just a dash of gassiness. Now, those who know me, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re not an asshole, you are the most loving person I know. Just a simple peaceful beautiful soul.” Don’t patronize me, you sick pricks. And just to prove my point I’m listing my top 10 most disgusting/assholey things I’ve ever done.

1. When I get too drunk and need to vomit I just turn to the side of my bed and puke on my carpeted floor. I usually miss.

2. I put 4-5 scoops of mayo on any sandwich I eat, but it’s cool I balance it out with cucumbers.

3. If it were socially acceptable to never brush my teeth. I wouldn’t.

4. Remember being at a crowded party, then smelling butt? Oh yeah, that was me.

5. If it was socially acceptable to never bathe. I wouldn’t.

6. I have to wash my feet every day. Why you ask? Cause they smell like Fritos.

7. I usually eat meat and mayo…for breakfast. [Read more...]