Slutty but Funny – I wish this was a lie…

by Natalie Wall

funny_natalie

I wish this was a lie…

“So are you seeing anyone….guy or girl?”

“No, but that you for subtly asking if I’m a lesbian for the 15th time now, Mother.”

After being asked for the umpteenth time if I’m a lesbian, I started to question…why am I not dating anyone? Oh wait that’s right. I’m an asshole.

It used to be a real issue for me, but then I realized, the world doesn’t need a man that can deal with my asshole antics, just think of the poor soul that would have to date me. I’m pretty sure I’d turn him gay. That or he would kill himself. That sorry bastard.

And to add to my asshole factor, I’m disgusting with just a dash of gassiness. Now, those who know me, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re not an asshole, you are the most loving person I know. Just a simple peaceful beautiful soul.” Don’t patronize me, you sick pricks. And just to prove my point I’m listing my top 10 most disgusting/assholey things I’ve ever done.

1. When I get too drunk and need to vomit I just turn to the side of my bed and puke on my carpeted floor. I usually miss.

2. I put 4-5 scoops of mayo on any sandwich I eat, but it’s cool I balance it out with cucumbers.

3. If it were socially acceptable to never brush my teeth. I wouldn’t.

4. Remember being at a crowded party, then smelling butt? Oh yeah, that was me.

5. If it was socially acceptable to never bathe. I wouldn’t.

6. I have to wash my feet every day. Why you ask? Cause they smell like Fritos.

7. I usually eat meat and mayo…for breakfast. [Read more...]

Susan Alexander’s great new Comedy Time set!

Susan Alexander 5 Funny Females
Susan  knows best when it comes to looking for love and happiness…

http://www.susanalexandershow.com/

Bubble and Squeak – The Foods of Childhood

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

I subsisted on egg salad and cream cheese and liverwurst sandwiches as a child. Then, junior high hit and I was made to realize by my peers (evil, expert psychological torturers, other twelve year old girls) that eggs were not to be eaten. They were like, ewwwwww, gag me.

And liverwurst? You were a social leper for uttering the word liver even in science class, even on the hunt for it in a frog dissection. Never mind a word like wurst. It meant your grandparents were from somewhere besides the golf club, and you knew how totally uncool was that? Besides, who was cool who ate sausage? It was another way to say penis. Gnarly!

So I left liverwurst behind and became the kind of automaton junior high girl who eats the peanut butter and jelly on white bread and macaroni and cheese, the only acceptable cheese being orange American. I shunned the not-with-it newbies who lunchsacked in with the unholiest of unholies: tuna fish and pickle on wheat. Pickle! That was another name for that nasty thing boys had. Nasty and fascinating. Mostly nasty. Okay, a little interesting. Mostly nasty though. Pickle! [Read more...]

Jeanne Robertson – Don’t go rafting without a Baptist

Humorist and professional speaker (with a gazillion speaking awards) Jeanne Robertson is a bad-mitton player, maybe, but not exactly an “outdoorsman”. But that did not stop her from going on an 8 day white water rafting trip in the Colorado River…

http://jeannerobertson.com/