~ Holidays ~ ‘Tis the Season For Singledom…Here’s Why – by Slutty but Funny

Single during the holidays, ladies (and gents)? 

Let’s get real for a hot sec, that’s the best way to do it. Asides from those Kay Jeweler commercials making you feeling inadequate as a human of the female (and/or male) population, or your mother constantly asking you if you are a lesbian in public bathrooms, oooooorrrrrr having every one of your siblings (and their significant others) give you the, “Ahhhhh, she had so much potential when she was younger…and then her hair turned that icky shade of brown,” stare, it’s really not that bad at all!

You have to remember that when you do not have a significant other, you don’t have to worry about anyone else but yourself. Is that selfish? Abso-fucking-lutely.

But god dammit does it feel all warm and tingly inside! (It really does. I’m doing it right now.) Haven’t convinced you yet? Don’t worry. I will.
 

  • You don’t have to eat in front of anyone that you are having sex with.

I don’t like eating in front of guys I’m dating (and/or sleeping with). It’s not pretty. It consists of talking with my mouth full, dollops of mayo and some lewd attempts at sexual gestures with meat in my hands. Sexual, I know. Yet it seems to have little to no avail on actually upping my sex appeal. People really don’t seem to want to boink the lady with a vat of Hellman’s mayo close at hand.
  [Read more...]

Food Suicide

Can you really kill yourself with food? An investigation.

Often times on shows like The Biggest Loser, people are told that they are “killing themselves with food.” I always scoff when I hear that. I mean, honestly, if you really want to kill yourself are you going to use a gun or bacon? Me, personally, I’d go with the latter, since I am depressed but don’t really want to kill myself so my attempt to cut my wrists with bacon would just be an obvious cry for help.

But, being the intrepid reporter that I am not, I decided to take a closer look at the idea of death-by-food. Can I actually kill myself with food? Let’s find out. I chose the three most lethal kinds of food out there, if Redbook and Glamour are to be believed. And they are, though I’d caution against implementing all of their recommendations. Unless you want to be licking a perineum every time you have sex, I’d take their advice carefully. TRUST ME. [Read more...]

Anime makes me sooo hungry – Saturday Morning Cartoons

I am a huge fan of the Studio Ghibli/Hayao Miyazaki movies.

And, if you will indulge me a hipster moment, I was way into them before Disney started shoving the badly voice-acted US versions down our throats. I loved them back when I had to walk to Oxford Comics and mail order them from Japan on VHS.

But there is something about those movies (especially the more recent Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle) that always makes me hungry. Seriously hungry. Runover-the-nun-in-the-crosswalk-and-dropkick-anyone-else-who-gets-in-my-way hungry.

So, take a look at some clips from some of my favorite movies and see if it doesn’t have you demanding Dim Sum (or breakfast) immediately…. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty

 

Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
A
lone With Cats

 
 

Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
Suniverse [Read more...]

For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious. [Read more...]

Cooking with KABLOOEY: Why I Owe JennyMac an Apology

JennyMac, of Let’s Have a Cocktail, posts original recipes that sound so good I frequently bookmark them.  In my mind, this shows a lot of homemaker-y effort, and saves me from actually having to shop, cook and clean.   But every once in a while I decide to mangle a recipe (seriously - check out these babies,) and this soup sounded too easy and good to pass up.  My comments, in red, are the culinary equivalent of a cockpit recording from a doomed flight. [Read more...]

Bubble and Squeak – The Foods of Childhood

Bubble and Squeak is a Funny not Slutty food column by humorist Elizabeth Bastos.

I subsisted on egg salad and cream cheese and liverwurst sandwiches as a child. Then, junior high hit and I was made to realize by my peers (evil, expert psychological torturers, other twelve year old girls) that eggs were not to be eaten. They were like, ewwwwww, gag me.

And liverwurst? You were a social leper for uttering the word liver even in science class, even on the hunt for it in a frog dissection. Never mind a word like wurst. It meant your grandparents were from somewhere besides the golf club, and you knew how totally uncool was that? Besides, who was cool who ate sausage? It was another way to say penis. Gnarly!

So I left liverwurst behind and became the kind of automaton junior high girl who eats the peanut butter and jelly on white bread and macaroni and cheese, the only acceptable cheese being orange American. I shunned the not-with-it newbies who lunchsacked in with the unholiest of unholies: tuna fish and pickle on wheat. Pickle! That was another name for that nasty thing boys had. Nasty and fascinating. Mostly nasty. Okay, a little interesting. Mostly nasty though. Pickle! [Read more...]