10 Things I Love that I can Totally Understand Hating – K A B L O O E Y

10. Anchovies.  Do you know how scientists explain the development of anchovies?  A long time ago, the fishiest tasting fish grew as big as the sun, then collapsed in on itself, to form a super-condensed black hole of ultimate fishiness.

9. Baseball in general, and the Yankees in particular.  Save all your “slower than paint drying” cracks for when you’re tailgating in -14 degree weather at that Bears game.  At least when I watch my team, my eyelashes don’t freeze together.
8. Wes Anderson movies.  It’s true: if you look up “twee” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Anderson in one of his tight little suits.  But Rushmore was awesome and bears repeat viewing.

7. Scuba diving.  A haiku:

In broiling sun,

sucking air out of a hose,

wearing neoprene.

That’s all true, but you are also flying, weightless, like Nemo but without the mom-murder, helicopter dad and fish napping. [Read more...]

For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious. [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Ball Cookies

funny balls recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My momma didn’t like saying balls, so she called them Pearl Cookies, but where’s the fun in offering someone “pearl cookies”? Wouldn’t it be so much better to say, “Would you like some balls?” or “Have you tried these balls?” or “Pop one of these balls in your mouth.”  And this recipe is very versatile:  If you want white balls, you can roll ‘em in powdered sugar.  If you want hairy balls, you can roll them in coconut.  If you want lumpy balls, you can roll them in chopped nuts.  If you want blue balls, you can make the whole recipe naked and then just throw them in the freezer without eating any!   [Read more...]

Eat This! German Christmas Stollen

funny christmas recipe

German Christmas Stollen- a family recipe as flavorless as it accusing
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Traci Foust and Max Petersen

Looking for the perfect Secret Santa gift? Need a holiday dessert to let your guests know your cooking sparkles as bright as the star that lead the wise men to baby Jesus? Here’s an authentic and extremely complicated German recipe to show all your loved ones you’re totally fine with settling for their friendship. It’s German Christmas Stollen. Literally translated the word means, mineshaft, a fitting Germanic symbol of how low your enthusiasm will sink once you figure out Trader Joe’s has a whole rack of these dry, tasteless cakes for half of what you’ll spend to make one. This recipe comes with American instructions and was given to me by my Berlinese boyfriend ,who every year around tannenbaum time, kicks me out of my own kitchen with a warning that I not assist his baking in any way lest I, “Fuck the whole thing up with my decorative sprinkles and Americaness.”

Also, the word stollen when said quickly sounds like Stalin which somehow makes everything feel more Christmasy.   
Total prep and cook time: 2-3 excruciating hours

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon active dry yeast. If you’re using American yeast, skip the “active” part and look for a packet that’s drinking a Pepsi while sitting in front of The Kardashians.
  • 2/3 cup warm milk (110 degrees F/45 degrees C) You may microwave the milk or warm things up with romantic German phrases such as, “If I don’t like your hairstyle I will let you know” or “We can hold hands once the ferry has started and things have calmed down a bit.” [Read more...]