Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 12

Dear Suniverse,

Although I’m quite the “as a matter of fact, yes this dildo IS awesome” online, I am quite the opposite in real life — or at least, with people I do not know.

Whether I pack my special toys in my main suitcase or in my carry-on, there’s serious intrusion of privacy shit that can play out either way.

Why not just leave my toys at home, you ask? Well, fuck. I’m a firm believer of the old proverb: “Don’t leave home without it.” (Don’t fool yourself, that shit did NOT start with American Express.)

Sunni, especially in this world we’re living in, there is a very strong likelihood that your private-ness could be put on display for everyone to see. Do you have some pointers as to A. How to hide said special objects in a stealth-like manner? and B. How would you handle such a situation when you’re travelling?


Lady E, Adventures in Estrogen


Lady E,

I am right there with you – not in that I travel with my Happy Maker to every destination, but in that I have twice now gone to conferences in the past few months where Lady Pleasurers were given as swag [and a big thank you, to you, too, Sweetie!]. The husband is thrilled with this turn of events, as am I, but since I’ve flown both places, I’ve also been subject to the invasive search [no, not body cavity invasive; standard TSA invasive].

In both these instances, I’ve just put my carry-on bag on the XRay scanner and walked right through [well, I’ve more minced right through, because I’ve been barefoot and PUBLIC FLOORS ARE DISGUSTING], head held high, daring anyone to say anything about the interestingly shaped objects in my bag. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 11


Dear Suniverse,

How can I make enough money so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Sadly Not a Trust Fund Baby


Dear Worker Bee,

This is the question we all ask ourselves when we finally run out of opportunities to hit the snooze bar. It’s a question that plagues us all, and what makes it worse is that there are few good solutions to the problem.

Sure, you can work and save and retire early, like those people do on the infomercials that try and sell you 10 DVDs on how to manage your money for the easy payments of $29.99 per month for three months.

Or you can come from money, like rich people do. If this hasn’t worked out for you, I say, blame your parents. Those bastards fucked things right up for you, didn’t they?

But if neither of those options is a go, you’re left with the following:

Play the lottery. This is not going to make you any money by actually winning, BUT you can become friendly with the guy who sells tickets and create some sort of evil cabal where if he does happen to sell a winning lottery ticket, you can figure out who bought it by looking at the film from the security cameras and stealing the ticket out from under their noses. Or pillows. Or wherever they keep a winning lottery ticket. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never won.

Marry rich. This is a good option if you haven’t been born rich. A good way to do this is to follow the fine example of one Anna Nicole Smith, who came from nothing and ended up married to The Cryptkeeper – I mean, that old guy in the wheelchair. She’s a hero to us all, except for the whole dying of an overdose thing. I’d stay away from that.

Invent something. I think people who invent stuff are pretty rich, if Bill Gates and the Pinkberry guy are anything to go by. So think of something that you’d like to see in your life, like an at-home pedicure kit that comes with a recording of someone talking shit about you in another language so that you can have smooth feet and an inferiority complex without having to go anywhere.

Since I can’t think of cool stuff to make, I’ll be over here, practicing my pole dancing moves.

Relaxing in the cabin of my private jet,
[Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]